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#420629 - 01/01/13 06:22 PM anyone started a meeting?
aksnowyowl Offline


Registered: 08/18/12
Posts: 47
i was just wondering if anyone has started an in-person human to human meeting for supporters of survivors?

i'd like to start something...maybe a 12 step format...just wondering if anyone knows of anything that already exists, has to been to one, or has any ideas or pointers...

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#420635 - 01/01/13 06:59 PM Re: anyone started a meeting? [Re: aksnowyowl]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
Most talk about going to codependents anonymous as the urge to fix the situation and being caught in a place where the supporter is juggling all of life's balls alone in order not to rock the boat is somewhat common. The unwillingness to leave a relationship that is affecting a supporter negatively is another reason for pointing to CoDA

I would think that a good facilitator who has a social work or some similar background would be essential for such a group, as people are in vastly different situations and have vastly different "baggage" and resources.

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#420668 - 01/02/13 03:13 AM Re: anyone started a meeting? [Re: aksnowyowl]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Snowy.
You need a two pronged attack, for the ladies that just come into the group and then for those that have been through the mill.

CODA is a format that I recommend for the Partners of Survivors here in South Africa. There is also a book called Codependent no more that has a program for people just coming into the program,

After that the Al Anon format is a good one, it has a 12 step pogram that can be adjusted to suit your need ie: change the afflictions like step one


1) We admitted we were powerless over Our husbands CSA—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2) Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3) Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4)Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5) Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6) Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7) Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8) Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9) Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10)Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11) Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12) Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

A lot of these sound like you are at fault, but this is not true. Search out the promises of aa and the traditions, and these will make you feel a lot better.

A good Facilitator is not a must, you ladies have more experience than any facilitator in the world so support one another. There is a great relief in talking to others that are going through the same, makes you realize that you are sane and that after all is what we need to hear.

Hope this helps
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#420725 - 01/02/13 08:38 PM Re: anyone started a meeting? [Re: aksnowyowl]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 703
Loc: NJ
I have a group. We've started a website for resources and support for supporters. It is not live yet. But it would be a great place to develop this meeting format.

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#420744 - 01/02/13 10:33 PM Re: anyone started a meeting? [Re: aksnowyowl]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
I would love to know if there are any programs that do not rely on the individual having a spiritual belief. I find it hard to find solace in these programs because of this common aspect. I know they have tried to water down this aspect to make it accessible to all, but my overly rational brain keeps stumbling over this part because it is really key to the "letting go" of any sense of control. I have always argued (with myself) to be self aware of the path I make for myself. I do not believe I am destined to be happy or sad, succeed or fail. I believe I control these choices and am fully responsible for my wrongs to others. This keeps me grounded and honest so to speak. This is my moral code. How do I marry this fundamental belief that I am fully responsible for everything that happens or does not in my life with a 12 step program that rely's on a relationship with an external power?
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
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#420752 - 01/02/13 11:27 PM Re: anyone started a meeting? [Re: CdnDW]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: CdnDW
I would love to know if there are any programs that do not rely on the individual having a spiritual belief. I find it hard to find solace in these programs because of this common aspect.


While it can be a powerful component for some it immediately turns me off. I had tried to read a CSA book from a Christian slant (for the different perspective) but I couln't get far into the book.

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#420777 - 01/03/13 02:58 AM Re: anyone started a meeting? [Re: CdnDW]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: CdnDW
I would love to know if there are any programs that do not rely on the individual having a spiritual belief. I find it hard to find solace in these programs because of this common aspect. I know they have tried to water down this aspect to make it accessible to all, but my overly rational brain keeps stumbling over this part because it is really key to the "letting go" of any sense of control. I have always argued (with myself) to be self aware of the path I make for myself. I do not believe I am destined to be happy or sad, succeed or fail. I believe I control these choices and am fully responsible for my wrongs to others. This keeps me grounded and honest so to speak. This is my moral code. How do I marry this fundamental belief that I am fully responsible for everything that happens or does not in my life with a 12 step program that rely's on a relationship with an external power?

Yes, I also find it frustrating that most support groups tend to use some sort of 12-step program with a spiritual component. When I was younger and struggling with addiction, this was really a powerful barrier for me. I believed in (the existence of) God, but also believed that He didn't love me and wouldn't lift a finger for me, so I never identified as a Christian. That only happened recently. So I could never complete step 3...
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I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

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#420781 - 01/03/13 04:51 AM Re: anyone started a meeting? [Re: aksnowyowl]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Guys I had a problem when I started the program and the "God of your understanding" part.
Thing is that what we have been through is beyond normal, and we do tend to internalise everything. When I got to using a God of my understanding, anything to be able to get it out of my brain, it did make a huge difference.

ALL self help books work on this principal, Indian Gurus, Chinese philosophers, John Kehoe's Mind power, Anthony Robbins' program, happy clappy christianity, Rhonda Byrne's The Secret, all have a God of their own understanding. When you start to understand that there is a universal law and it works for everyone, then you can begin to unravel the life that you have been dealt.

Don't write it off, you will only sell yourself short. Swallow your suborn pride and open yourselves up to new experiences.

I'm not saying that this becomes a deal breaker to healing, but it does make it a lot easier when you get your head around it.

BTW we are doing the one thing that I hate on this forum and that is we are hijacking a post, the original post was about starting a support group, Apologies Snowy.

Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#420803 - 01/03/13 08:36 AM Re: anyone started a meeting? [Re: aksnowyowl]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
You are right Whome and I apologize to Snowy. I will start a new thread.
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

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