i'm glad you are with us - and processing all this stuff.
you have come to the right place - and are among those who understand - whatever you choose to say.
i hope you will keep at it - working through the unresolved issues. writing and reading here has really heplped me. it is a process - and we all support one another and learn from each other.
so - welcome!
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho