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#420626 - 01/01/13 05:49 PM 4.5 years later.....
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 341
I feel kind of mean so I'm going to vent.


4.5 years later H's parents can finally have a conversation about his abuse without that standard bug-eyed look and running out of the room. I am glad for them, and him, but they are a little late to the party.

There was some boasting on their part, "I wish i knew where that SOB lives!".
I said "I know. I know exactly where he lives. I know where his family lives. I know who they are and what they do for a living."

They had the nerve to looked shocked.

WTF did you think Mr. & Mrs. H's Parents? Your LATE. Your coming in after the party has been cleaned up and the dishes are put away. What did you think I was doing all this time? Acting petrified and running away every time the topic came up?

Nope. I had to deal with it. Part of dealing with it(since we know who he is and he had tried contacting H once before a long time ago when he was in his teens) is making sure I know where the scumbag is, or might be. It's a bit extreme on my part ( I know) but I don't want to wander around in life HOPING I won't run into him since he is not that far away. I want to know where the scumbag is....or might be. Don't boast with me H's parents - I've been through the wringer. He tries to contact my H again and I will hunt him down with a bat. No boasting about it. That was your job a long time ago, perhaps you need reminding (I didn't say that...I just think it).

So H's dad says he ran onto him a while ago. His description was wrong, area was wrong (but close) so at best it was the scumbag's younger brother. I said "T-shirt? Yes? Did you see such and such a tattoo on his left forearm?" ...."No? Oh, no it's not him. Besides the height is to short.". Again, they have the nerve to look shocked.

It's probably not fair but I blame them sometimes. I feel like they should have been more aware of what H was doing.

H told them (in this conversation) about how he had been contacted. His father was quite shocked and annoyed but the mother spent most of that part trying to figure out whose fault it was that H wasn't supervised. Way to go lady. She tries to distance herself from this stuff as much as possible.

I'm not in her shoes so I shut up. My shoes want to occasionally kick her in the *ss though.

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#420639 - 01/01/13 07:46 PM Re: 4.5 years later..... [Re: sugarbaby]
mmfan Offline


Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 114
I can relate. My blood boils when my survivor's parent shows head-in-the-sand attitudes. The cluelessness, never questioning things or paying attention, playing dumb, distancing. I want to shake them and say WAKE UP, WHERE WERE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU NOW??
I try to keep a lid on it because my survivor already has complicated enough feelings in that department. But I really do want to scream sometimes.

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#420690 - 01/02/13 10:19 AM Re: 4.5 years later..... [Re: sugarbaby]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 341
I had to post before I was done because H came home.

Anyway - the bottom line is they are good people who care about their son. They have no words for this because they have no frame of reference so instead of facing it they hide.....or hid, maybe they have found some way to communicate now. I don't expect they will be open about it from now on. I don't think this is the beginning of a large number of meaningful conversations. I hope for H it is but ......well..... leopards have trouble changing their spots.

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#420693 - 01/02/13 10:38 AM Re: 4.5 years later..... [Re: sugarbaby]
WorriedPartner Offline


Registered: 12/31/12
Posts: 11
I really hear you too. These are supposed to be the support systems that are unconditionally there, and they aren't.

It is hard as part of me knows they are a product of what has come before, and their avoidance and lack of ability to cope is the legacy of their upbringing, and having a society where people are not encouraged to communicate on this level.

However we didn't have the coping skills either, but we searched, learnt, got hold of things to help us and our partners. As parents why are they not doing the same.

his mum seems like she's trying to avoid 'blame' - rather than taking on the responsibility of what she can do NOW to help empower and care for her son. Underneath though, you know there will be a torrent of emotions they will be experiencing that they just aren't able to express or work through, yet, maybe never. It is wonderful you are there for him, and you and he together face this with his parents. This was tough for you and you did really well I think.

My partners parents have essentially stopped talking to him as they don't understand why he is so different now. He isn't doing what is 'expected' within his old family dynamic. His mum and he had a hugely co dependent relationship, and now he's wanting to sort his own life out and not need her to 'fix' everything, she's turned on him. I could really say a lot to his mum, but I can't take his voice away, and he will say it if and when he needs to. Not my battle to fight, much as I want to sometimes!. In the mean time I just say it/shout it to an empty chair sometimes when frustration threatens to blow a fuse!

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#420728 - 01/02/13 09:10 PM Re: 4.5 years later..... [Re: sugarbaby]
ALovingMum Offline


Registered: 02/24/12
Posts: 46
Loc: England
Great wives! Great partners! We have all come a long way. Keep on supporting your men.
_________________________
Daily I worry for the safety of my young sons - but worry achieves nothing! So I pray for their safety!

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#420844 - 01/03/13 03:33 PM Re: 4.5 years later..... [Re: sugarbaby]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 261
Loc: us
I can relate. Since my in laws found out they have done nothing to support their son. My parents were the opposite and hence I was able to get help sooner in life. I get so frustrated with them. I know that they love their son so I just don't get it how they can be so hands off about it. It hurts H and there is nothing I can say or do about it. I feel like their distancing just adds to the pile of issues he already has to deal with.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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