the courage to finally register and post here.

a new year and hopefully some real change.

Sick of my addiction to porn. I know why I do it: to overwhelm myself. To turn off pain through sheer overload.

I don't know how to stop. It's not about achieving a high for me -- its about going numb. Its more like cutting that way, not to feel good but to be so overloaded with sensation that all feeling turns off.

I have had bad experiences with stupid therapists and at this point in my life I really don't have the money anyway.

I also have a sleep disorder which makes it very hard for me to keep any kind of schedule for either group or one-on-one therapy.

But I need to do something. It is not healthy for me and it stops me from looking at myself honestly. I hope that makes sense.

I am very interested if anyone has any words of advice or strategies. My wife is incredibly understanding and has installed protective software on the computer, but I am too smart with computers and always find a way around when I get obsessed.

This is already more than I meant to share. I am more than willing to hear anything any of you are willing to say.

I hear you, Jacob. I overeat to numb my feelings and while its helps for a short time, ultimately it just makes things worse as I gain weight and my self-esteem gets worse. I watch gay porn at times even though I'm not gay probably because I want to normalize what happened and make myself believe that the abuse wasn't as bad as I make it out to be. Congratulations on getting the courage to post and welcome to MS.

Jason

Jacob

Welcome--you have taken a great step in healing. MS offers support and understanding. It is not here you will be judged but rather receive support to help you heal. It is important you feel safe and post what you feel comfortable sharing. The process of healing is like an emotional roller coaster. The abuse left us with distrust and pain--a pain that can eat at our core. Survivors look to escape and/or by using different vices--drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, dissociation and whatever brings that temporary relief. I believe we all know it is temporary and the pain returns. By facing the past we can begin to heal ad feel well--it takes time and support.

For me, there have been ups and downs, good times and bad times. But each day I am hopefully moving forward. I have my issues--my own coping mechanism has been dissociating or loosing time. You have identified your coping mechanism. But to heal we must address and resolve the unresolved trauma of the CSA. You are on your way by facing the past and learning to love yourself. You seem to have support in your wife--that is a wonderful thing--she must be filled with compassion and understanding.

Good luck, stay strong and welcome

Kevin

We all face this situation at some point. It can be porn, drugs, alcohol, dangerous sexual encounters, self-harm...etc.



Yes it does. For decades in some cases...for entire lifetimes too.



Yes it does, and its not right. Its not your fault! If you were abused: sexually, emotionally, physically etc., you were stopped in your tracks...left to deal with it the only way you knew. No one to pick you up and point you forward.



What was "it?" You are anonymous here. Maybe it would help to say the words...what happened to you?

Welcome

Recovery is all about learning to take care of ourselves. And Male Survivors have a road of healing set out before them if they choose to take action and move forward. It sure beats staying stuck in numbing and escapists behaviors

If you use the search function In these forums, you will find a lot of posts and topics on addiction- I know sex addiction was a major consequence of my abuse. Finding support from other men to work thru these issues has Been a huge part of my recovery and reclaiming healthy sexuality and showing me a life free from shame and isolation and crappy thinking.

Learn to take care of yourself _ you've made your first step by reaching out and sharing honestly. Keep doing that.