Hey (((Magellan))) please take it easy and try to calm yourself.
It is good to take some step aside if you feel need for it and if you are triggered.
Don't be hard on yourself and please come back when you'll feel better.
I've been visiting my father during the holidays and every day I've had struggle to say something, I wanted to share that I'm in therapy, that I've had some problems in childhood and so on.
And I couldn't. We talked about other stuff and he said couple stupid sounding and insensitive remarks and I was unable to forget it.
So I was like stuck, everyone around me seems like enjoying but I needed more to feel connected. I felt completely isolated and outside. It wasn't nicest feeling and again I felt like complete failure.
But, I hope next time I'll be better. I don't know when and if I'll try again at all to talk with my father about past and abuse that happened many years ago. It is more important for me to try to reach out and to make him to see me. It is exhausting sometimes and particularly when we have been dealing with self and our issues for long too feel down and to see self as inadequate and actually in very negative light.
It is that damn negative self image speaking left from abuse and neglect, that is not real me. We have to fight it and to try to change ourselves to actively and in constructive manner build positive thoughts specifically about self. We need to find inner strength and self support for every day struggle when we couldn't get it from others (for example from parents). Fight for it brother!
I'll be thinking on you in some positive light, I'm sending my best wishes to you.
You started some very interesting and very important discussions here and I believe that brothers would miss you (I will