That is all.

What's happened to bring these feeling on again Magellan?

Last I knew, you were making vast improvements after seeing your latest therapist and getting treatment.

Yup. But nothing changes.

I can relate to that. I was on anti-depressants years ago whilst going through therapy. Other than making things a little calmer, I feel like it made me a worse person due to the lack of inhabitions.

As for wanting to die though, it's also a common thought I have. I've just managed to create my own set of values and principles for reasons why I won't go though with the act of causing it.

I can't say what those values should be for you, as we all have different situations in life we face. Just try and find those things you enjoy in life, no matter how small and think of those. It just needs to be something important to you, no matter what it is, to try and get you past that feeling.

It doesn't necessarily fix the feeling, but it helps to move past it.

Hay Megellan,

I went through years of fealing I would be better off if I could just stop all of the effort it took to keep going. Life was such a burden and it just keeped comming.
Day after day I felt so heavy and down, my sexual addiction was so out of control and I felt so worthless. I was exhausted and depressed. My focus turned to wanting it all to end, the pain and struggle and suffering. It seamed like death was the only way it would stop. It seamed like an ansor to my problems at the time. I though about the pain it would cause others, I though about God and eternity. Heaven and Hell or the Void. The unknown was a problem for me. I actually was afraid that the unknown might be worse.

I came to believe that it could not get any worse for me on earth and that giving myself time to see if it would get better couldn't hurt me any more then I already hurt. I think I had reached my limit of emotional hurt and more hurt was just running off.

After that for some reason things did start to get better for me. I don't know if I could have seen this at the time, but today I am light years away from those dark days and years. I am glad I held off.

I changed my focus from how am I going to make it stop to how am I going to get help. I had to come to terms with a lot of crap. Addiction, Gender idenity issues, self hatred, self betrayal , self abuse. I had realy turned agensed myself instead of my problems.

I wished I had this forum back then. Wow now iam crying. The work i am doing on this forum is breaking apart the walls of isolation inside of me.

Hay Megellan, thanks for your post it matters.
Post what you can when you can and take care,

Mike

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I've spent MOST of my life wanting to die, with a few interludes of spontaneous hope, only to be dashed and crushed by disappointments.

Hay Magellan, thanks for the post and the added information. So sorry to here how you have wanted to die most of your life. That must be an ongoing discouragement to feal that way. I wonder if you would be willing to share what the "few times of hope were about?

I will check back later.

Take Care,

Mike

Said it before, wasn't being glib, and still am not now:

Have you considered a puppy?

Unconditional love; focusing responsibility; and a good way to meet people.

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