I looks like my turn on the rollercoaster!

Before my birthday I told my wife that I had been thinking of doing a road trip to see my half brother (my first abuser). My whole family is into denial in a big way...It should be our last name. We were both groomsmen at each others weddings and have had a polite but very awkward relationship for the past 25 years. Other family members are often asking me what my problem is with him....Gee wiz...he made me suck his thing from the age of 4 to 8!!! I don't know??? We have all been keeping up the appearance of a happy family (in some ways we are I guess). I wanted to talk to him and get him to fill in the blanks in my memories. After I was married he rang and apologized for what happened. I wasn't ready to deal with it then so I just said I guessed stuff had happened to him first and I already forgave him and got off the phone as quick as I could. I think he was doing it as part of a 12 step thing. It was a pretty lame apology really. So I know he at least at one point felt sorry for what he did and acknowledged that it happened. Also NEED to know what happened to him....What he did to my other brother. I want to tell him about the rest of the stuff that happened to me and that he started a chain reaction. It feels like if we get some answers it will be healing for us both.

So...

On my birthday I got an e-card from my him. The E-card was some nice inspirational crap about the past and the future..bla bla bla. I was soooo confused. Like ok am I just making a big deal out of all this. I didn't respond to the e-card and he sent a follow up email to make sure I got it. I replied back with a thanks and some 'nice' chit-chat. since then I have been swinging like a pendulum. Angry that he trained me to be a s*x slave and is now nice to me .....guilty that I still seem to hold it against him.

And...

My wife talks to her mum about EVERYTHING - she is like her T. I am ok with that for now - as I haven't told my wife everything yet. her mum is cool and thinks I am AWESOME and has always been very supportive of anything I've done. (way more than my parents) . She has often told me how proud she is of me - even before the CSA came out. I have sort of adopted my wife's family. I know it sounds weird but my mother in law knows more about my abuse than my own parents. My wife asked her mum if she would go with me on the road trip. My wife is worried I will be in a bad state afterwards ...especially after I told her I was suicidal a while back. My mother in law has just quit her job and will have a holiday before she starts a new job. So I basically it would be better to do it in the next couple of weeks (it is a 6hr drive one way). At first I wasn't ready to do it yet but today I am feeling more confident.

I have made a special T session tomorrow to discuss how I should ask him and basically how it should play out and if he thinks I'm ready.

But part of me doesn't want to know the truth...what if it wasn't as bad as I remember or he down plays it. What if it only happened once and I made the rest up.
'This' has been such a big part of who I am - I don't know if I can let it go. or...what if it was worse than I remember????

Then today...

Life goes on as usual. My wife and I had to go pick up a pony for our kids for Christmas. Just what you always wanted...right? We had a good 3 hours in the car alone together to talk. I told her about all the abuse up to 12 years old (5 perps) including the doctor. She did not want to know any details of what happened. She kept changing the subject - talking about 'normal' stuff. I asked if she was doing it on purpose. She said no. But kept doing it. I didn't feel like she was being a very good listener (to put it politely). I told her about my self image problems and that growing up (and even now) I felt like I was just a sex object for others pleasure - that my looks were all I had going for me. The only reason people like me. She said aren't you lucky you married someone who isn't 'into that'. She said "So... you want me to tell you you are ugly". No because I think I am ugly and that is why I NEED others to tell me I'm not. Then I told her about the Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) - she made that all about her recent slight weight gain. I reassured her that it didn't bother me (I said I still wanted to stick IT in her) and tried to bring the conversation back to CSA. I explained that I had a sexual addiction (MB and p0rn). She got very mad about the P0rn. I did not specify what type of p0rn and she didn't ask - she is assuming it is straight. I don't know if that is better or worse. She said that the thought of me doing her after getting horny from THAT made her feel disgusting. I said that I only thought of her when I was with her...(white lie) and that I couldn't help it that sometimes memories invaded my mind and that is usually when I have ED problems. She said that if she ever even thinks I have viewing p0rn then IT WILL NOT BE HAPPENING. She was also VERY mad that I had lied to her about this all these years. It was intense!!! I explained that I was introduced to p0rn at a young age and had been MBing since 10 and it was going to be a hard habit to break..... but I was trying. She insisted that I install the p0rn filter back on our computer straight away. I said sorry for lying.

I had many teary moments and a few pauses to gain my composure - but mostly held it together. All this while driving our 4X4 (SUV) and towing a horse float!! In hind sight not the smartest thing I have done.

I told her most of my recovery goals.

On the way back she blurted out in a nasty voice that I need to be careful that I don't make this an attention seeking thing. Because I obviously still crave attention.....I was silent....I had nothing. About an hour after I said how hard it has been for me to talk about the abuse and how it affected me. I have been hiding it for 30+ years. I did't want anyone to think I am less of a man or 'broken'.....especially her. I didn't want to hide it from her anymore. I want her to know the truth about me and love me anyway..... no response.

I didn't want to go into the teen acting out/abuse or SSA cause I think she may see that differently and I think what I told her today was enough for her to handle. I want to do that in the controlled environment of my T's rooms. Later she talked about how she prefered it when she was ignorant of all this and said that she wanted a refund jokingly....I said that is Sooo NOT funny. She said the actual abuse doesn't change the way she thinks about me. The Porn and Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) do. She said the BDD explained a lot and gave examples.

She had NO IDEA I was had such a high sex drive and was into p0rn. She thinks it is degrading and since I am a good guy I would think the same. I talked about my need to do IT more than we are (1-2 a month) and that it would make it easier for me to be good. She said that she thought I was being unreasonable and if she is unwell she does not want to feel obligated to do it because we have only done it once so far this week. She said that I could MB as much as I like as long as she didn't have to know about it. (Even though she knew I did it she has always frowned on MB in the past - so I guess that is a positive)

Basically I think it ended pretty well. (calmly). And at least we understand each other better. She is with her mum now...I can just imagine the conversation..... 'your son in law just told me he is a low down dirty rotten porn watching sex addict' My mother in law is staying with us for a few days....We will see if I am still the golden boy.

Wow, that's a pretty brave thing to do. I can see how it could be a healing experience for both of you. Please keep us updated!

Sorry your wife reacted with anger... I guess it must be hard for them to understand. I really hope you guys can get through this. I know how much it helps to have someone who is there for you...

For those of you who didn't grow up in an incest environment....Try to imagine my wedding. 2/3 groomsmen having sexually abused me as a child....supposedly supporting me on the biggest day of my life....All getting dressed in our suits together. I was married last and they had me as their groomsman. It would have looked like something was wrong if I didn't have them. All part of the lies and secrets. But that was my life....now I'm starting to tell the truth....finally.....and it hurts!

Hey (((Lee))), wow, that is some ambitious plan ahead of you.
It is good that you gonna talk with your T about all this, disclosing and confrontation is very sensitive happening and it should be done in safest possible environment. It is good that you won't be alone there, it might be that you'll need some support.
Please don't be scared, even if it has happened once it doesn't mean that it wasn't bad. You are the only one who can tell how bad it was, you suffered a lot, you have had many scars because of it and it was terrible difficult for you, so please be calm about that. And certainly think to comment all your worries and fears with your T and it could be very helpful if you could bring your wife too there, she also has some needs that could be easily forgotten in all this chaos

Lee,

Not the best response you could have gotten from her. Many people are not "active listeners" and by reflex change the subject back to themselves; that's understandable, that's ok. But you describe her as near-totally unsympathetic, not comforting you or saying you deserved better or even saying how much it meant to have the truth out. That's not cool. Hopefully she was just taken by surprise and will act better on this info later.

If I live to be a billion I will never understand people who think porn is evil and only freaks look at it. It wasn't right to shame you over that.

WTF is it with people who don't get how to respond to secrets?

Regardless, it was courageous of you to tell her and you picked the best setting possible I think.

Don't mention the stuff about dudes. If she doesn't like you even THINKING about other WOMEN.... there are certain levels of truths that are more appropriate for some people. It doesn't make them bad people, any more than being the guy who can barely grasp remedial math.


Matt

*

Lee,

I'm so sorry your wife's response wasn't helpful when you needed more from her. I had something of a row with my wife when she told me I needed to leave the past in the past. To be fair, she doesn't know the guy at camp raped me instead of "just" fondling me. Still, it was hard to hear. She is supportive, but I didn't need that.

Your wife may need time to process new disclosures you make. After all, you have had years to live with this and she has had a couple of months. I agree with Matt, that you shouldn't mention SSA. I'm impressed with what you are doing. In time, it will pay dividends. If you need to vent, MS is here.

Will

Thanks guys for all your support. It is really helping me to get through this.

In my wife's defense it IS that time of the month and she suffers REALLY bad from PMT and period related depression (or should I say I suffer )
She is on meds for it which have improved things but I still have to be sensitive about 2 weeks every month. Needless to say I should have realised that she was not in the best place to 'hear' me. Add to that the fact that I have been preoccupied with my recovery and not working as hard as I normally do (still harder than the average Joe mind you)....which is frustating her.

I saw my T today, It was specifically to make a plan to talk/confront my brother. But I ended up spending the first half hour talking about the episode with my wife. He agreed with most of you that how she acted was NOT OK. I said that the way she reacted made me feel less inclinded to disclose the SSA and subsequent acting out. He said that full disclosure is the only way that I can have the true and real relationship with her I desire where i feel like she loves me for who I really am and not who she wants me to be. She seems to be in denial and doesn't want to acknowledge that I may not be the strong, confident, good, upstanding, pure, wholesome, trustworthy man that I have protrayed to her for 14+ years. I have obviously been a very convincing actor and like so many of us have hidden behind the lies. Part of it is my nack for 'becoming' whoever the other person wants me to be. I guess I have to decide if I am happy to stay in a relationship where I have to hide who I am. Anyway I digress...

The Plan!

My T said he thought it could be a good thing BUT I had to be realistic about my expectations of him. I had to be prepared for the worst. We talked about what the worst case senario would look like...then we talked about my biggest hope from this 'talk'. We also talked about the fact that I can 'choose' whether to believe what he says or not.

My biggest hope is that I could finally fill in the gaps of what happened to me and understand what happened to him to make him think it was ok to sexually abuse me.
I would like to know how many other boys he abused.
I want him to know what my childhood was REALLY like and how his actions 'set me up' for future perps.
I want us to have an open and honest relationship where we both accept the truth about what happened. Nothing more - nothing less.

We decided that I should ring rather than email to make a time.
I came up with the idea that my mother in law was going to visit one of her relatives in his city 6 hours away (another lie) and that I thought I might go with and stop in to see him to spend some time with him. (he resently mentioned he was lonely)
Tell him that I have been in couselling for a few months
Then mention that I wanted to talk to him about what happened to me as a child.
Tell him that I was not angry with him and that I wanted this to be healing for us both.
Ask what time would suit him best.

Reasons why I think I am ready to deal with this
- He has already apologised for 'going stuff' to me (all be it half arsed) 12 years ago
- He has contacted me recently via email in a way to suggest he wants a normal brotherly relationship with me
- I want to tell the truth and I want to know the truth
- Now I am the Alpha male (one of my friends here today made me realise how important it is to me to be an alpha male)
Lasttime I saw him all I could think was how sad and pathetic his life is..divorced twice. Old looking for his age (45). On a invalid pension because of a back injury. Lonely.
I am now better looking, bigger, stronger and better built than he is. I am the director of a multi-million dollar company. I have a beautiful wife and two happy children who love me.
When I was 6 and he was 16 he was the alpha male. He was taller and stronger and had it all together. Now I feel more superior. I have confidence that I will be in control of the situation. I will decide how it plays out. He will not intimidate me.

After my T session I took a little time out before going home to get myself together. I was still really tired from not sleeping the night before. When I got home I crashed for an hour on the bed.

Lee - so good to hear your report.

yeah, i sometimes feel like i spend a good percentage of my time and energy dealing with other people's reactions to my issues and how i deal with my issues. it is a mixed blessing to have others that you need to consider and take their needs into account.

it sounds to me, though - like you have been working pretty hard on your recovery. give yourself a break. you have to do it at your pace - not according to someone else's expectations.

sorry it got messy with her. that doesn't help. you are a good man and i'm sure you will keep it together and not inflict any additional pain. i hope she can learn to be kind to you - but at this point she doesn't really know how much you deserve it! sort of a catch 22.

sounds like things are really progressing well towards the meeting with the brother. glad the T is preparing you for all eventualities. keep in mind that you may be mentally prepped - but the emotional impact may be another thing altogether.

good you are taking care of yourself. keep it up!
lee

THE CALL

I decided that I needed to ring him now or I would either chicken out or forget the game plan.

After I had gotten the cows up for milking I left my wife to milk by herself (as usual - it only takes one of us). I went up to the house to get a drink and it was empty (the kids were playing outside) so I grapped the phone and locked my self in my room. I quickly wrote out some notes on a piece of paper so I didn't forget the plan. It was kind of impulsive.

It rang for ages...I thought I'mnot leaving a message...then he answered. Crap!!!!
He sounded surpised to hear from me - fair enough - I NEVER call him.
He said he had just got home and started telling me about his day when he was finished that story there was a pregnant pause.........
I said "the reason I rang up is I was just wondering if I could come and visit you in the next couple of weeks. [insert wife's name here]'s mum is coming up that way and I thought I would come with for the drive and see you while I'm there.
He said "Yeah that would be great....are you bring the kids with you"

Deep Breath!!!
I said "acually I have an alterior motive - I've been in counselling for a few months and I would like to talk to you about what happened between us when I was little."
He said "Oh....I see .... anything I can do to make up for what I did. I understand how awkward it is to talk about this stuff. Did your cousellor suggest it?"
I said "No I just thought it could be healing for us both to talk about the elephant in the room rather than just pretending it isn't there. I just want you to know that I'm not angry about it anymore. I just need some answers about what happened."
He said " sure what ever you think will help"
I said "I would also like to know what happened to you growing up"
He said "It is really hard to talk about but if you think it will help"
I said " I also want to tell you about the other stuff tht happened to me. What happened with you was just the start and stuff also happened with [insert other brother] too.

I asked him if he had been in counselling for it and he said he had for other stuff (abandonment issues etc) and thatthey had touched on it but nothing specifically targeted at the abuse. He said that he told his second wife about what he had done and she had been abused her self and from then on she put him in the same boat as her father. It was not why they divorced but it didn't help. He said that one of his T's had said that 'these things are only as bad as you make them'. If you think they are bad they will affect you in a bad way (.....Hmmmm)

He said that he just didn't think what he was doing was wrong. He thought it would be fun. At least it wsn't like when an adult feels bad about what they are doing and then force the kid to do it......(again Hmmmmm)

We set a date in the first week in January (when he doesn't have custody of his 15 year old son)

He said he was glad I said that I wasn't angry or he would have been stressing out about it....thinking I was going to give him a summons or something....(he said he already had that?????)

He did say that what he did was bad and must have messed me up. We talked about some other stuff (can't really remember right now - too happy)

I am willing to accept that he will have a different 'take' on the situation and down play his responsiblilty. That changes nothing I will still be making it clear the rammifications of his actions.

At the moment I am over the moon. I had set myself up for his refusal to talk about it and even deny it happened. I am confident that there will be a positive outcome from this....of some sort.

Thank you all for walking with me on this journey.

Damn...I was so excited about telling you about the good news that I forgot what happened next.

My wife starts banging on the window of our bedroom screeming at me. "What are you doing???" I hung up and said "I have just been talking to my brother" "Why do you have to do that now" she said "you should be doing everything that has to be done right now". This comment was so ridiculous because I only had about 1 hour of work to do and 3 hours left of daylight. It was so not an issue. I got my boots on and asked her what she wanted me to do..."the usual". I said "Do you think you could at least TRY to be supportive". She said "You have not done ANY work around here for 2 weeks (so not true by the way). Meanwhile I am stressing out"

She said something else right here that was so bad I can't even remember it. I just remember being so mad that I needed to turn around and walk away before I did something I would regret.

I did all my jobs while her and the kids rode the new pony. Then I joined in and helped clean up the yard. Everything was back to normal. She seemed happy again....Women ....I will NEVER understand them.

Lee