My brothers,

It is my 2 year anniversary here. Recent weeks have been excruciating for me, and I've been posting nothing but negative messages. I'm unable to feel or receive support that people have posted in response to my postings.

I know you all mean well, and I trust that you all mean well too. For some reason, I am so completely envious of everyone who has had relationships. And those who have had broken relationships, and are struggling or losing their relationships. I envy each and every one of you.

I can't see beyond this, and I'm stuck in this very point - I've never been in a relationship. I've been lonely all of my life. I envy people who can get into (and out of) relationships. I know they're not easy, and they're the source of immense pain.

The responses have triggered me, and I have felt like smacking down people's responses as a result. This is unhealthy for me.

It is probably best for me to depart. Or at least not post anymore. I find myself getting more and more envious of people who post to support me, and this is not a healthy response.

My apologies to everyone if you were in the path of one of my recent diatribes. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, and I certainly didn't mean to incite anger or any other negative feelings. I just don't know how to deal with my chronic loneliness anymore. It's too much to bear.

Hey (((Magellan))) please take it easy and try to calm yourself.
It is good to take some step aside if you feel need for it and if you are triggered.
Don't be hard on yourself and please come back when you'll feel better.
I've been visiting my father during the holidays and every day I've had struggle to say something, I wanted to share that I'm in therapy, that I've had some problems in childhood and so on.
And I couldn't. We talked about other stuff and he said couple stupid sounding and insensitive remarks and I was unable to forget it.
So I was like stuck, everyone around me seems like enjoying but I needed more to feel connected. I felt completely isolated and outside. It wasn't nicest feeling and again I felt like complete failure.
But, I hope next time I'll be better. I don't know when and if I'll try again at all to talk with my father about past and abuse that happened many years ago. It is more important for me to try to reach out and to make him to see me. It is exhausting sometimes and particularly when we have been dealing with self and our issues for long too feel down and to see self as inadequate and actually in very negative light.
It is that damn negative self image speaking left from abuse and neglect, that is not real me. We have to fight it and to try to change ourselves to actively and in constructive manner build positive thoughts specifically about self. We need to find inner strength and self support for every day struggle when we couldn't get it from others (for example from parents). Fight for it brother!
I'll be thinking on you in some positive light, I'm sending my best wishes to you.
You started some very interesting and very important discussions here and I believe that brothers would miss you (I will ).
Hang on
(((D)))

Magellan -

i don't mean to diminish your feelings - but have you considered that maybe you might need to get your meds adjusted? i remember that recently you had a great improvement in outlook when you got a new prescription. just wondering if there might be a simpler solution to your dark mood right now.

just wanted to say, too - i was going back through some of my old threads recently and was amazed at the many valuable and sensitive insights you had contributed to my situations. if this is goodbye - i don't want it to happen without the chance to say, "Thank you !"

Lee

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I second Gary's post,
I get the being triggered part. This has been a huge triggering experience for me too. I beleave throw that I am able to talk about my reality for the first time in my life. And I am learning how to do that each time I take a risk and post. I am finding that I need to pace myself and have compleat days off. I come back when I am ready and I have some emotional change to spare. Not much of that for me throw these days, what ever you decide is ok with me. But know you have help me.

Take care,
Mike

Obviously, nothing good ever comes from CSA. We are used and tossed-aside to rot. They toss us to the side while their eyes are down the road, looking to a future.

THEY destroyed our futures.
Non-supporters destroyed our futures.
Betrayers destroy our futures.
No one understands us or our pain but others tossed aside by the same breed of rodent.

We all fully understand you feel you need a change right now and you are free to change your mind in the morning...and we will all understand fully. This is one place where no one will grab your arm and keep you from walking-off. Rather, we'll open the door, wish you well and stand ready in case you call out from the wilderness or come back to retake your chair at this table.

You are very important to us.

We are all in horrendous pain here. Recent events, the holidays, just days...they are all potentially too painful for us.

As you know, I need to use graphics, pictures and music to communicate my real heart and soul (as I did as a kid...or my entire life).

I don't know which one in this picture I am, but one is you.

You do what you feel is the best for you fellow survivor. Your best IS the right thing for you now. In the future you may change your mind but for now embrace your decisions.

They are good.

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Good for you, Gary!!!

Lee

Guys

This thread expresses my inward feelings very well. I have struggled just as you have.

Puffer