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#42046 - 06/18/03 03:34 PM Please please help me
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I am 23 years old, and I was abused by my father physical and emotional, but was abused by my coach in sport for 8 years sexual and physical. I am not able to survive now as I am, my thoughts are chaotic. My brain is total insanity, I am not sleeping, when I do, I dream of such bad things. I am totally frightened, I can not lose what is behind my eyes when I try to sleep. What I had put out of my head for these years, it now is in the front of my brain always, I can not stop it or make it better or go away, I do not know what to do. There is no one in my life I feel I can really tell all this, I am so afraid to try to even speak this aloud, other than write it. I posted at a forum for men and women survivors, they are all so nice there, it is mostly women though, and I feel shameful to be there, that I am guilty because of gender, for the harm they all reciieved. I do not know what i'm saying, I just know I am going crazy, please help me if you would.

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#42047 - 06/18/03 03:50 PM Re: Please please help me
hdan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/06/03
Posts: 43
Loc: Texas
Leosha,

I'm sure you'll will get many supportive responses to your posting. You will probably be surprised how many people can related to what you are going through.

I have at times felt exactly like you. I was sexually abused by my father and several other men/boys. I blocked it out for many years (the abuse was around 8-16? years of age and I am now 35). I thought that I was losing it as well, and I remember a couple of times that I really freaked out.

The truth is you can feel better. Now I know you can't believe that right now and neither could I for many years, but you can. The sexual abuse gets such a grip on us that it seems very overwhelming. However, you are not alone. I have good days and bad days (it used to be all bad days), and it's getting better.

The question that is in my head is "What should I tell you to do?" For the most part, I'll leave that to more experienced people who will post messages after I do. But I can tell you that you are not alone. You can find help and comfort here. Please check back in to review other responses to you post.

If you want to know more about my personal situation, I'll tell you if you think it will help. You can either reply to this post or send me a private message.

\:D Thanks for posting at this site. You will find support that you need.


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#42048 - 06/18/03 03:55 PM Re: Please please help me
Marc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 256
Loc: Tucson, AZ
Leosha,

Thank you for having the courage to reach out for help. \:\) It is not an easy thing to heal from the abuse and it will take a great deal of time and effort unfortunately.

It is not your fault and it never was. Not for the physical, emotional or sexual abuse that you lived through. But remember that you did live through it or you would not be here today. \:\)

Do not feel guilt because of your gender either. There is nothing to feel guilty about being a man among women.

Reveal as much as you are comfortable with and nothing more. Baby steps will deliver you from tis eveil and we will all be here to support you in your effort. \:\)

Marc


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#42049 - 06/18/03 04:17 PM Re: Please please help me
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Leosha

I can your pain. Please remember that it was never ever your fault. You gotta hang on to that thought.

Here is a post you should look at. Just click on it

Millions of True Stories
http://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001789#000000

You are in the right place. Read, listen and post and heal with us.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#42050 - 06/18/03 04:19 PM Re: Please please help me
godsrabbit Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 98
hello leosha,

i am new here as well...everyone seems very open and supportive...

the feeling of losing your mind is a frightening one...i am only five years out of my abusive situation myself, so i know perspective it hard to come by when you are still so close to the trauma.....

i hope you find consolation here...


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#42051 - 06/18/03 04:40 PM Re: Please please help me
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2258
Loc: Maryland USA
Leosha,

I'm sorry that you have need to be here, but I'm glad for you that you've found us here. And I'm glad for me that you've found us here.

Part of what keeps me going when I get to feeling that I'm losing it is the knowledge that others are able to keep going and keep trying to get better. Everytime someone makes progress it gives me more reason to hope. And the most important step is the one you just took, the first.

Look around this site and you'll see a lot of reasons to hope. And since you're only 23, take a look at this thread from a few days ago, and here . There are a lot of younger guys here. I'm just not one of them. \:\)

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#42052 - 06/18/03 06:07 PM Re: Please please help me
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Leosha
I'm glad you found us, although I'm so sad that you need us.

Hdan said "you're not alone" and he's right, there are many of us, all different ages and backgrounds, but we have terrible abuse in our pasts.

Some of us are doing ok, I am. My old behaviours and confusions are largely gone. I choose to be here to help in any way I can, although I still benefit greatly from the terrific support and friendship here.

The best help you can get is from a good therapist, look hard and find one who specialises in SA, or at least has good experience of dealing with Survivors.
Some of us here have tried the "do it yourself" approach and it doesn't work, I know - I tried for 31 years. After I started therapy things fell into place.
It's hard work and very painful, that's the hard truth of recovery. But you already know how hard and painful life is without it.

Look for therapists in your home area from the list on the home pages, if you feel you can let us know the general area you live in, someone here might recommend some good help for you.

Stick around though, you'll find some great support and help here, ask what you like.
You've already done the bravest thing you've ever done - you've broken the secret. Feel proud of that, you deserve it.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#42053 - 06/18/03 07:16 PM Re: Please please help me
ecb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
Leosha,

Welcome. I am never so sad as to welcome someone anywhere as here, but I welcome you nevertheless.

I'm only 24 myself, and I can remember all too well how hard it was for me to being coming to grips with my own abuse just two years ago. I too felt like I was crazy. But I wasn't and you aren't either.

I strongly reccomend that you seek out a therapist if you can. If you are going to college, there are probably counseling services for free to the students. Also helpful for me when I was where you are was reading Mike Lew's "Victims no longer" and a similar book by Mic Hunter "Abused Boys Wounded men." (I think that is the title, I always get the two authors and books confused.)

I hope that this is helpful. PM me anytime if you like and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Look around the site here. It is most helpful.

Eric


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#42054 - 06/18/03 07:53 PM Re: Please please help me
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Leosha - I feel badly about your abuses and betrayals but you have made it here, among fellow survivors! I can identify with family members abusing and trusted adults abusing - I was there too!! You are not alone...and you may FEEL like you are going crazy BUT you are not crazy. You are normal for the ABNORMAL situations you have come through!!

I feel the chaos and out-of-control you write about in your post. Try to refocus or slow the chaos...How? Perhaps, pick some safe point in your thoughts and head toward that point; talk on line about all the things you CAN do right now and have been successful at doing; watch a light movie and concentrate hard on watching it; get busy making something - cooking, puzzles,etc.; call a friend and go bowling...just, find a spot in all the chaos and jump out (like riding a carasol, round & round, but just step off the ride!).

It feels like there is noone in your life to tell - then tell us. We are here for you like so many others were here for us!! We've suffered and screamed and hollered...and we are here to let you know you are not alone!! We are here!! Talk with us! We will listen!I know the guys here care!! They really do!!

Gender? Most all of us are guys and, you know what, many if not most of us were sexually abused by other males over long periods of time!! I know I have been abused by numbers of perps both males and females. These guys understand!!

Leosha, reach out and step off that chaos and perpetual thinking trap...talk to us! We want to support you!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#42055 - 06/19/03 09:10 AM Re: Please please help me
jwh Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 98
Loc: dallas, tx
Leosha,

I am so sorry that you are hurting so badly. Flashbacks are terrifying, especially when it seems that you cannot get away from them. So is the feeling of chaos, of being out of control inside yourself--I know tht feeling all too well!
But hang on--you really have found a home here, and I totally agree with the suggestions above about getting a therapist sensitive to sexual abuse issues and, if possible, getting into group therapy for sexual abuse issues.

For self-help resources to accompany therapy, I agree that Mike Lew's book "Victims No Longer" and Mic Hunter's book "Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse" are excellent books with many resources in them. Another stunning book containing many helpful exercises is "The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis, a book that was originally written for women only because in the late 70s early 80s virtually none of us male survivors were reporting our abuse.

I encourage you to write about your abuse in a private journal where you do not censor yourself at all, including don't worry about grammar, spelling or any such thing--just get it out! Also, draw about your abuse, again not worrying about how the drawing looks.

Finally, keep reaching out here--recovery WORKS! I swear to God it does, and for many years I strongly believed that nothing would work for me because medications provided very little help and cognitive therapy provided very little help. The key was getting with very consistently supportive people who understand what you are going through, people whom you can eventually trust to share your most painful feelings and memories with who will validate you. This site is a very good place to keep coming back to, but it is also crucial to get with a therapist and, if possible, a group of survivors.

Finally, remember: you are not alone and the abuse was never your fault.

Jeff

_________________________
"I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand... Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?"--Ian Curtis, Joy Division

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