I know that some people are trying to help or can just can't handle the CSA once it is revealed. I have had some strange things told to me and wondered if others have experienced the same.

Such as,
Your preacher can fix it.
How did your parents react when they found out?
Did you go to the police?
Are they (the perps) still alive?
Do you remember what they looked like?


These things used to really hurt me to hear, but I hope by sharing it will help others.
Thanks,
Randy

dumbest thing?

"just forget about it and move on..."

Wife: "Does this explain why you don't wear nicer clothes? Because you're trying to keep men from pursuing you?"

She means well, she really means well, and for the most part she does well. But... oy!

"You seem to have a catastrophic fear of destruction"

(The therapist who spent months Ignoring all my PTSD symptoms.)

"You must have liked if you kept going back."

Ex-girlfriend after disclosure.

"If you continue to let your boyfriend do this to you, you'll become a homosexual - if you aren't one already."

... County Social Worker (who I took the city bus to see when I was 16). Yes - she actually said that. And yes - I actually believed her.

*

I have heard some great lines, but on the other side I have heard some wonderful words of support--I believe the supporters have outnumbered the negative side.

However the negative comments are hurtful and show the character of those who spoke the words--

"report it and let's get some money from the church"

"no one dissociates from abuse, it is not real"

"do you think I am stupid to believe you were abused"

"your father was the abuser not the priest"

Just a few of the hurtful comments I have heard--yes they are dumb but hurtful.

"So somebody put his penis in your mouth, so what?!? That was years ago....just get over it"

*

When trying to explain to my wife how since a small boy I have always felt like a sexual object ....

'So you want me to tell you you're ugly?'

50 years after the abuse, I finally told my mother. She thought briefly, and said: "Well,...you should have told us...Your father would have killed him..."

Sometimes the biggest wounds come from just being shunned without any words at all by your peer group in middle school.

Puffer

Not told but. This year I went to a men's resource center that has a CSA program. I finally went and said I was there for thier CSA as I had been sexually abused as a child. His eyes lit up like I was a gift from heaven. Not exactly what I expected.

Then after meeting with an intake counselor I was told they will get back to me shortly to setup a schedual for therapy. After not hearing back for a couple of weeks I called and talked to the Therapist/Administrator. He then emailed me with the following.


I'm still am waiting for the planets to align.

"Are you still struggling with that?"
hmmmmmmmm

"Why do you want to keep thinking about it so much?"

WANT!!!!????

.

"Why don't you just forget about it" is probably the worst I've heard.

"I'm sorry" is another one that annoys the hell out of me. To me it just comes across as trying to be sympathetic without trying to understand, thinking it will fix everything... or maybe I'm just too hard on people.

My abuser: "I'm sorry. I was just curious and experimenting."

"Did you enjoy it?"

"What did it feel like?"

"You must have liked it since you didn't tell anybody."

"That certainly explains alot about you."

"How could an 8 year old have an erection?"

From an uncle [the one person I told]: "Don't tell your parents; it will kill them."

From the uncle: "Lots of people experience things that they don't like. After all, I recently lost my job. But I will just have to find a new one and forget about the old one. You need to do that as well."

From a therapist I went to at 18 [yes, he should have his license revoked]: "If you keep thinking about it, you'll become a homosexual. You need to think about all the good things that you have in your life."

Happy new year!

Ed

Some words from psychotherapists:

You were naked, in Colorado? Was it cold?

Before the torture/abuse began, were you already doing oral... on the other boys?

Puffer

"Why do they have they to sue the church? If you can't have a relationship, then you have other issues besides being moleasted." - Catholic "Friend" (Notice the scare quotes)

My response: "You know nothing."

"you need to move on and get over it."

from a fellow survivor.

1) I was with a woman and was having difficulty responding to her advances. She didn't understand. I was a little drunk and blurted out that I was abused as a child (my first disclosure to anyone other than my therapist). Her response: "what a waste."

So that's what I am- a waste? I literally went from being very emotional to feeling absolutely nothing.

2) My current girlfriend (she does not know about my CSA) were discussing her teaching experience and a boy that she had that they were watching close as he had been abusing other kids in the past. She found out that he was a victim of abuse. She then stated, "that's what happens when a boy is sexually abused, he becomes an abuser himself."

Me: "surely not all abused kids turn into abusers themselves?"

Her: "yes, they do. without exception."

Me: "Hmm."

On a Christian forum, when looking for advice about forgiving my parents and "honoring" them, as per the fifth commandment:
"I think that you need to put the past behind you and look forward to the future with the Lord. At the least you can use it as a learning experience."

Yeah, thanks. I'm holding on to the past on purpose, because I like being miserable. The nightmares and flashbacks have nothing to do with it at all.

From the same thread:
"You must secure your salvation. Bitterness and unforgiveness will send you to the lake of fire."

I no longer frequent that forum...

I still hear that - from my partner! I can't go to him with any of this. I come here instead. In that sense, you guys know me better than my own "family".

[Psychiatrist, on flashbacks]:

"These things emerge when you're ready to face them."

Yeah, right.

John

.

Just get over it

It doesn't matter anymore it already happened don't think about it forget it.

Why would he do that? what happened to him?

Don't tell anyone else the family won't understand.

"Don't all boys experiment?"

Maybe some boys do....BUT MEN AND BOYS DON'T!!!!!

"I'm sure he was just doing his best. All parents make mistakes".

Right. He raped us, repeatedly, by mistake. Ok then.

"He had a drinking problem. He probably didn't even know what he was doing"

Funny how the vast majority of alcoholics don't go around raping their sons. And then there's little thing about him actually having to be relatively sober, as opposed to black-out drunk, in order to get it up to rape us...

"You should think carefully before you have kids. You might have an urge to abuse them too."

I actually believed that, and took it to heart. That's why I waited till my mid-thirties before I had a kid. I just didn't trust myself before that...

not the worst, but the one on my mind right now.

"If you feel guilt, it means you must have done something wrong."

*

*

"This won't hurt a bit".

that my time is worth 5.68 an hour

Yup, needless to say I hardly talk to this person anymore and I definitely don't trust him.

"this will only affect our relationship if you let it"

from the wife

Said by the "counselor" over the section of boy scout summer camp where I was seriously abused:

You better get up off the floor and do what I say before I kick the s*** out of you.

Puffer

"It will make a man out of you." (joining scouts - where i was bullied and abused.)

"some day you'll thank me for this." (that day has NOT come yet!)

I have read that relationship issues like infidelity, cheating and sex outside the relationship are exactly the same as male sexual abuse in children and adults. I read this over and over on different rants.

My mother told me that I did not have to report their physical abuse to the leaders of our church. When I told her, she said that they may have been telling me to "let it go".

My brother told me that he did not remember any abuse, but that he has a short memory. Later that week he disclosed to someone else, who told me.

From a friend, "My brother fought with me, and I grew up just fine, what is the difference?"(from sexual abuse)

From a therapist, "we need to do a workbook about anger management" after I cried on her couch that I hurt and I did not know why.

I actually had another therapist, a male yawn loudly during a disclosure of sexual abuse. First and last visit. I asked him if he needed a coffee.

Wow, they seem bottomless. I like what KMCINVA brought out, the supporters are more than the negatives, I think maturing in recovery create more positive thoughts and actions so we are more internally populated with affirming messages. In looking around, most folks say nothing about what we consider in here, so the negative may be overwhelming when it is commented.

My father, after I disclosed in a little-boy fashion (I was 10) the abuse which took place in the garage across the street:

He exploded in anger, went around the kitchen table and pulled the folding chair out from under me. I fell on the floor. He picked me up by my ankles and started to bang my head on the kitchen floor. He said:

"You G** D***** little queer. I might as well just kill you right now." He reached in the knife drawer near my feet. My mother said: "Oh..no..don't do that." He dropped me on my head and stomped out of the room. I went and sat, stunned, at the top of the basement stairs.

Later that night, I was in bed. He entered the room, switched on the light, pulled the covers back, ripped my pajama top back, and started beating me with a belt. Slap, slap, slap, slap, slap, slap, slap, slap, slap, slap. I was crying and hoping the neighbors would hear and intervene (didn't happen). Then he got the broom and said: "I'm going to show you what it feels like......." He ripped my pajama bottoms down. Mother had been watching from the doorway. She intervened: "Oh..no.." He threw down broom and huffed out of the room.

Puffer

*

Here is one for you all. I wouldnt call it dumb but WOW...

Wife: So do you think the CSA caused you to have sexual dreams about men?
Me: I dont know.
Wife: So you do think about other men in a sexual way, right?
Me: Uh um well, Yes.
Wife: Oh thank G-d, ive been wanting to tell you something for years. I think about women when we are intimate, actually thats all I ever think about in a sexual manner. Im glad its not just me!!
Me: HUH??

I love this woman so much!!!!!

Figured I would share, all the other responses I could give are just to upsetting. This is the only one that makes me grin ;-)

-Jay-

You all have been very courageous sharing these. With each one that I read, I am moved and also encouraged to strive on. It is true that only we that have been through this are uniquely bonded for life. I am moved to tears and laughter as I read the quotes. I know that these words have hurt us and at times confused us, but I can honestly say that by hearing this from others is healing to me.
I realize that the many kind words of many can be stained by the harsh words of few. The people that we respected, loved, and sacrificed for, can hurt the most with the smallest amount of words that can never be erased once heard. These my friends are the words that motivate me. I did not cause this to happen to me in anyway and I refuse to give the past words the strength to break me down. I will educate the current word and quote offenders to realize that words do have power, but it's the emotion behind the words that I seek.
Keep posting my brothers and stay strong.
Randy

@Pufferfish,
I am so sorry your father had that reaction. That was my motivation for never saying a word to my father. I knew for sure I would be to blame. My heart aches for you..

(((((((PUFFERFISH))))))))

-Jay-

Thank you Gary, Jay and Randy and others.

Yeah I'm still emotional about it. It did hurt.

Puffer

*

Puffer... Holy crap! That was intense. I feel so bad that something so awful happened after disclosing.

dumbest thing i ever heard OF is the "pain scale" of one to 10.
Pull your own molar out with no anesthesia and ask me where i am on the pain scale. F-ing dentist misdrilled it then refused to pull it bc it was a "dangerous extraction".
Pretty dumb thing for a guy licensed as a dentist to say.
Is there an emotional pain scale? how bout a 40 (or minus 40)?

Another:
"We should just start swinging with strangers"
from a woman that wanted to witness M on M sex at my expense.

From my doctor after I broke down in his office crying and explained my situation to him.

"I really think you should bury this because this is the kind of thing that can hold you back if you let it."

He wasn't trying to be a jerk at all but genuinely seemed to think that was the best course of action. Although I had not begun therapy yet I had read a few books already and knew intellectually that was the worst thing to tell a survivor. Didn't matter though because emotionally it still upset me to hear someone say it. Also made me wonder what he had buried.

From abuser:

This will be fun.

Also,

This is what people do.

"time heals all wounds..."