Peace, everybody.

Just reading, I am amazed at my level of distrust, how much I've managed to isolate myself - even from my close friends and family.

I am 44 and have been consciously dealing with recovery since my mid-20s -- attended a fancy Arizona treatment facility and did a lot of intense therapeutic work.

Now I have a wife and an 11 year old daughter. I struggle with an addiction to pornography. This is very difficult and causes a lot of distress. It seems that the deeper I go into it, the more it's as if I'm looking for my Grandfather -- like I want to go back there and relive it - perhaps differently this time. I don't understand this, and I continually blame myself for everything. Self-blame is very, very deep.

I have a fundamental belief, even after all these years, that it didn't really happen. What a powerful force denial is. I am usually doubting myself. This is what leads me into tight corners.

I am deeply religious, and I am often conflicted about the post-trauma experience. Shouldn't I be able to simple "let it go?" I find myself couching my denial in spiritual terms: let go of it ("get over it"), surrender ("get over it"). I think, "What's wrong with me that I am still struggling with this?" A vicious circle.

I am not currently in therapy. I am not communicating with my wife. I am pretty convinced that people around will not understand, and I am feeling fundamentally distrustful, even of other survivors. I surround myself so thoroughly with a sexualized world view, that it is hard to imagine relationships without it.

I should say: I live in one of the safest, most supportive environments anywhere. I am blessed. I am in no danger -- only, perhaps, of having to continually work on this, no matter how long it takes. How long will it take? As long as it takes, I guess.

Love to all of you. Tariq

hey tariq

man I just want you to know you are not alone. so much of what you write rings true to me. I ignored much of my early abuse. because it was female and as I gathered info from whatever sources I could it seemed that I should have been happy and a willing participant but I was not and that. so what did that say about me? but it seemed to keep happening that the girls were interested in me and everything seemed so sexualized the more I didn't want it... the more there was something wrong with me. and the religious training told me that being involved in those things was wrong but there I was. I am still there
I can relate yo you praying about it I do it constantly and "what is wrong with me why cant I let this go?" I never tried to actually deal with this until recently and maybe you are right I sure hope so. maybe in time we will be free
heal well man
jeff

Tariq

Welcome.

I'm glad you are sharing your struggles and story - I hope you will find that it helps to reach out and admit what's going on.

No matter how much work I've done in recovery, my daily choices and actions matter. Showing up here or other intentional communitirs or groups is a choice and an action that contribute to my recovery.

And, for me, any form of unhealthy sexual behavior re-triggers and reactivates old thoughts and feelings that seem to cascade over the healthy stuff I've done. Especially if I continue this behavior and keep it secret. I spent years trying to pretend that re-engaging my damaged sexuality wasn't an issue when it really undermined my life, relationships and happiness.

Seeking out help and a place to honestly look at this stuff with people who understand- THAT is the key to living forward.

Tariq,

Welcome to MS. And I'll agree with others that the feelings and experiences you describe are common among us. Distorted sexuality, porn, isolation, inability to trust. We're all in some phase of recovery and it doesn't seem to correlate with how long we've been working on it, or how hard we have tried. It just takes whatever it takes, for each of us individually.

Keep moving forward, you'll find your way eventually. In the meantime make use of the resources here. It WILL help

Hey Tariq-Welcome to the site...or welcome back. I'm sorry you are struggling. Based upon what you wrote, we share at least two things in common...our state, and the person who abused us. If you ever need to reach out, send me a PM.

Tariq

I am glad you are here talking about what has happened. I understand your feelings of distrust and the need to connect wit the abuser. I too have a part of me that wants to go back to my abuser--a priest--I fight it and I am repulsed by the thoughts of needing the abuse or the abuser. But unfortunately that part of me fights and takes over--I leave and loose time. What happens during that time is unknown to me. My T has said what you have said-I am seeking the abuse--I have a part of me that has unresolved feelings for the abuser and like you why did I go back, why didn't I tell anyone, I must have wanted it and enjoyed it. I am told we all have parts--but for us who were sexually abused as children, our parts most likely are not integrated like most people. We have two different parts with different views of the abuse.

I have difficulty with it, and I am working to integrate--it is slow and some events in my life recently disrupted the progress and set me back into long periods of lost time. I am fighting, like you I want to be whole.

You will find support here, you will need to feel safe, it is the only way one can open up. In my safe places I can talk about what happened and my feelings. In places I do not feel safe I am on edge, anxious and the memories are triggered.

Stay well and strong, never consider a fall a failure--it is one step closer to healing.