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#420201 - 12/26/12 11:17 PM Re: Gay With OSA (Opposite Sex Attraction)? [Re: SoccerStar]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 1390
Quote:
The not-knowing, of such a foundational element of one's own personal identity (if it IS "one's own") is the uttermost among violations.

I really took a very personal journey with this topic and I suppose it's as good a time as any to share this - but I hope it doesn't fall under the definition of hijacking a thread. It really pertains straight to the very first post by Jude - of what our sexual identity truly is.

These are not Pollyanna thoughts - this stuff is one of the absolute truths I have found for myself, truths that have become old friends, and I'll share them here. My life is certainly still full of problems (whose life is not?), many which go right back to those whispered moments in tents and basements when I was a boy. I still struggle with a lot, but at least THIS much I now know...

The thought that our sexuality might have been molded by our abusers sounds like the most fundamental expression of our identity - our humanity - echoes back a wink and a nod to our molesters. When I made love with someone, there used to hover over me the unseen spirit of my abuser who watched and gloated, saying, "I have taught you well, Eric." He just always owned me, even when I ran 3000 miles away from him.

Then I started thinking about other insults. Surgical decisions to leave bullets in shooting victims the rest of their lives - the body gently encasing it, walling it off, incorporating it, and living with it in variable but often negligible accommodation. I thought about some of our US GI's who come back horribly mutilated - the geography of their bodies and wiring of their minds altered forever in a single incendiary insult. They, too, live with the results of their abusers. Near where I live is an old sidewalk, a slab around which a large sycamore tree had to grow, accommodating the old concrete by distorting its trunk and perhaps precluding the more elegant structure it was meant to be. The sidewalk, the abuser, the terrorist who set a roadside bomb, the shooter - they can all disappear. But their handiwork lives on in those lives they altered, attesting to the power they once had. Once. Had.

I look at those other survivors, and many have accepted who they had to become. The double amputee soldier who decides to be an athlete anyways. The shooting victim who can wear inside him the penetrative insult of his assailant and focus instead on the life ahead of him. The distorted sycamore tree that blooms with fury in the Spring despite its gnarled countenance. What's the alternative? Becoming bitter, embracing the victim we were so pushed into being at one point, withering. Becoming nothing.

I had to look long and hard at this, and came to the conclusion that - gay, bi, SSA, whatever - I am me. I embrace the person I had to become. The mark of my sexuality is not a simple mirror that reflects what I learned at the behest of the twisted man who abused me. My sexuality instead is a living statement that says I can bend, accommodate, grow, and - like that Sycamore tree - still bloom with all the fury I was meant to. He may have helped mold it. But I own it now.
_________________________
Eirik




Click my pic to see why I'm here

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#420205 - 12/27/12 12:26 AM Re: Gay With OSA (Opposite Sex Attraction)? [Re: Jude]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1557
Loc: New England
Very well said Eric.

SoccerStar, many of us have made peace with ourselves over this issue. Give yourself time. You will too.

And SmallTown80'sBoy, the rest of that Billy Joel song is "Go ahead with your own life...LEAVE ME ALONE! A very apt reply to those who insist we have to fit some catagory.

Gay, straight, and everything in between, we are all MEN. Why don't we just leave it at that?
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#420208 - 12/27/12 01:06 AM Re: Gay With OSA (Opposite Sex Attraction)? [Re: Jude]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 916
Loc: New York
Those are all very helpful ways to see this. Thank you. Eric, your imagery is particularly lyrical; I'm a sucker for anything involving how trees grow around obstacles. /:)

I've accepted my sexual interests and desires, I've accepted myself. I enjoy my fantasies about both genders and feel no guilt - it is who and what I am.

But I think back to the 10+ years it took me to reach that point, and think every day of doubt and shame and attempted self-deception might all have been a response to someone else hurting me, without me even knowing it.... and I could just cry, scream, punch a wall. I probably should, now that I think of it. It's like... being born with a really conspicuous birthmark that you find embarrassing, and being teased for it for years, then eventually learning to love yourself with it and making it part of a fashion "look," then finding out it isn't a birthmark, it's a burn someone gave you. You've reached the right place, you're fine with yourself, but learning about the new scope of a past crime still hurts. If I'd ever, ever, ever thought for an instant at the time that my inner conflict could have been related to the CSA, I'd have reported it immediately from pure moral outrage - and it would have been within the statute of limitations and the guy would at least have had to stand trial.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda. Shoulda invested in Apple while I'm at it.


Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#420289 - 12/28/12 06:43 AM Re: Gay With OSA (Opposite Sex Attraction)? [Re: SoccerStar]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1557
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
I've accepted my sexual interests and desires, I've accepted myself.

Thats great news SoccerStar....now go love your wife till you both explode!

Jude
_________________________
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
Sheryl Crow

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#420415 - 12/29/12 07:14 PM * [Re: Chase Eric]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:41 PM)

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