I went through years of fealing I would be better off if I could just stop all of the effort it took to keep going. Life was such a burden and it just keeped comming.
Day after day I felt so heavy and down, my sexual addiction was so out of control and I felt so worthless. I was exhausted and depressed. My focus turned to wanting it all to end, the pain and struggle and suffering. It seamed like death was the only way it would stop. It seamed like an ansor to my problems at the time. I though about the pain it would cause others, I though about God and eternity. Heaven and Hell or the Void. The unknown was a problem for me. I actually was afraid that the unknown might be worse.
I came to believe that it could not get any worse for me on earth and that giving myself time to see if it would get better couldn't hurt me any more then I already hurt. I think I had reached my limit of emotional hurt and more hurt was just running off.
After that for some reason things did start to get better for me. I don't know if I could have seen this at the time, but today I am light years away from those dark days and years. I am glad I held off.
I changed my focus from how am I going to make it stop to how am I going to get help. I had to come to terms with a lot of crap. Addiction, Gender idenity issues, self hatred, self betrayal , self abuse. I had realy turned agensed myself instead of my problems.
I wished I had this forum back then. Wow now iam crying. The work i am doing on this forum is breaking apart the walls of isolation inside of me.
Hay Megellan, thanks for your post it matters.
Post what you can when you can and take care,
Note to self:
Stand up and keep your footing,
You are not alone. This place is full of people who will reach out to help.