When you are a smart boy
And people tell you that all the time
You believe you are smart

When you are a funny boy
Who people tell that to all the time
You believe you are funny

When you are a special boy
Hearing that told you all the time
You believe you are special

But there are other ways of telling
Other things that can be told
Told to you but you can't tell
And you believe them
Believe them more
Because it wasn't said
It was shown, done, proven
When you were used
Used like a thing

When what you feel doesn't matter
When saying no doesn't matter
When what they all said doesn't matter
When you are shown, proven what you can really be instead
A thing, an open used thing

When even your own body doesn't matter
When he's lost interest in touching
When he tells you to open
And you do it
Because you are only smart enough to only do that
And some thing just stands there
Being held and used

A thing isn't clever or special or funny
It can only feel terror
Confusion
And pain
No one cares if a thing chokes, gets hurt like it never imagined
As a belly gets closer and farther and closer and farther
As it is held and squeezed and hurt and used as a thing

How much time did I spend as a thing?
How much of my life?
How did he turn me into a thing
Making everything else not matter?
How did I turn back?
Did I?
Could it happen again?

Something was left crying and retching
Leaning on a cold metal wall
What happened to that thing must be tremendously important
Because I (it) remember(s)
But that's the last thing I remember

Everything after is a featureless blank
An empty black hole
For months - or maybe the rest of that year
The brain demolishing all exits, all bridges and tunnels
Sealing off the thing with blackness all around
So it can never escape
Never meet my family
Or me
Or be summoned by another again
Still there but all past and future denied it
A thing surrounded on all sides
At all times
By nothing

ouch!

it really hurt to read this.
i hope it helped you to write it.
all so true.

lee

Matt

So true indeed
This really spoke to me
Why is it that time-wise a small negative experience can have such dramatic, long lasting and overpowering effects. Yet years of positive words can be wiped out in an instance.

Lee

Not intelligently designed. The individual self is a spiderweb stretched around a granite mountain of fear-based ancient survival instinct.