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#420386 - 12/29/12 12:29 PM I want to die
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
That is all.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#420391 - 12/29/12 01:40 PM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
frankie72 Offline


Registered: 11/23/12
Posts: 32
Loc: Australia
What's happened to bring these feeling on again Magellan?

Last I knew, you were making vast improvements after seeing your latest therapist and getting treatment.

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#420392 - 12/29/12 01:49 PM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Yup. But nothing changes.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#420395 - 12/29/12 02:05 PM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
frankie72 Offline


Registered: 11/23/12
Posts: 32
Loc: Australia
I can relate to that. I was on anti-depressants years ago whilst going through therapy. Other than making things a little calmer, I feel like it made me a worse person due to the lack of inhabitions.

As for wanting to die though, it's also a common thought I have. I've just managed to create my own set of values and principles for reasons why I won't go though with the act of causing it.

I can't say what those values should be for you, as we all have different situations in life we face. Just try and find those things you enjoy in life, no matter how small and think of those. It just needs to be something important to you, no matter what it is, to try and get you past that feeling.

It doesn't necessarily fix the feeling, but it helps to move past it.

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#420402 - 12/29/12 03:07 PM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hay Megellan,

I went through years of fealing I would be better off if I could just stop all of the effort it took to keep going. Life was such a burden and it just keeped comming.
Day after day I felt so heavy and down, my sexual addiction was so out of control and I felt so worthless. I was exhausted and depressed. My focus turned to wanting it all to end, the pain and struggle and suffering. It seamed like death was the only way it would stop. It seamed like an ansor to my problems at the time. I though about the pain it would cause others, I though about God and eternity. Heaven and Hell or the Void. The unknown was a problem for me. I actually was afraid that the unknown might be worse.

I came to believe that it could not get any worse for me on earth and that giving myself time to see if it would get better couldn't hurt me any more then I already hurt. I think I had reached my limit of emotional hurt and more hurt was just running off.

After that for some reason things did start to get better for me. I don't know if I could have seen this at the time, but today I am light years away from those dark days and years. I am glad I held off.

I changed my focus from how am I going to make it stop to how am I going to get help. I had to come to terms with a lot of crap. Addiction, Gender idenity issues, self hatred, self betrayal , self abuse. I had realy turned agensed myself instead of my problems.

I wished I had this forum back then. Wow now iam crying. The work i am doing on this forum is breaking apart the walls of isolation inside of me.

Hay Megellan, thanks for your post it matters.
Post what you can when you can and take care,

Mike

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#420411 - 12/29/12 05:26 PM * [Re: Magellan]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:41 PM)

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#420414 - 12/29/12 07:03 PM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
I've spent MOST of my life wanting to die, with a few interludes of spontaneous hope, only to be dashed and crushed by disappointments.

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#420422 - 12/29/12 08:27 PM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hay Magellan, thanks for the post and the added information. So sorry to here how you have wanted to die most of your life. That must be an ongoing discouragement to feal that way. I wonder if you would be willing to share what the "few times of hope were about?

I will check back later.

Take Care,

Mike

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#420424 - 12/29/12 08:32 PM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Said it before, wasn't being glib, and still am not now:

Have you considered a puppy?

Unconditional love; focusing responsibility; and a good way to meet people.


Edited by SoccerStar (12/29/12 08:44 PM)
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#420425 - 12/29/12 08:56 PM * [Re: Magellan]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:42 PM)

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#420427 - 12/29/12 09:20 PM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Magellan,

Hang in there, brother. You are most certainly *NOT* alone.

I'll be honest:

I want to die, too. Then, all the pain would be gone, all the struggle over.

But I refuse to do it to myself. Because then the bastards win.

And so I continue to struggle. Every day the pain. Coming here to MS has saved me countless times.

A puppy sounds like a great idea, if I can ensure that my life is stable enough, I might take that plunge.

Thanks, Soccer. Hang in there, Magellan.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#420428 - 12/29/12 09:41 PM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1629
Magellan

Stay strong--it is a tough time for you. We understand--sometimes the past takes control and robs us of who we are and should be. It puts us in a bad place--try to think of the times life looked good. I like most here had times when I felt like dying was the answer--maybe I was lucky instead of these feelings controlling I would just leave, dissociate or now I know as fugue--none of these feelings or states allows us to live the life we deserve. Like all of us here--we are trying to heal and see the good in life--please hang in there and do not give up--I and everyone here is not giving up on you. You have value and can give much to others.

Kevin


Edited by KMCINVA (12/29/12 09:48 PM)

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#420430 - 12/29/12 10:01 PM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
Magellan,

What can I say, I thought there were rules against this, but I will respond to you with my erxperience. I attempted suicide the first tim,e when I was seven. The black buick stopped about 6 inches short of where I stood. I ran away.

At 11 I tried again, that time it was a bus that stopped. Boy did the bus drivber yell at me.

At fifteen I found alcohol. The first time I drank, I drank to a black out. I discover it diddn't matter. If I was in a black out I wasn't there. So when the emotional pain was too great, I just went to a black out.

I was in love at 19, married at twenty, a father at 23, and 25, and 27, and 30. After the second child, I could not just go to black out - I had to be there for my kids. So, I began to self mutilate.

I was 37 when the world crashed in on me. The therapist made me realize that both of my parents had done terrible things to me. I was "patched up and put back out."

I was working for the Governor's office in Colorado. A friend of mine got fired so I went with him to form a business. The Attorney General filed felony charges against us.

Even though the charges were dismissed at preliminary hearing, the state prohibited any public agencies to contract with us.

I turned suicidal again even though I could still get to a black out. But, I was diagnosed with chronic depression and PTSD an put on meds. I discovered more colors when I was on meds.

I got sober and my stuggle with not drinking kept me away from suicide plans for 594 days. Then the compulsion to drink was removed. They increased my med dosage and monitored me closely.

Instead of a counselor or psychologist they placed me under the care of a psychiatrist and her nurse. Insteat of brief therapy, they gave me a therapy session every week. And they taught me all the technology to stop my negative thinking, and cope. And I still had self mutilation as a back up. In my third year of sobriety my wife through me out of the house. I learned that if I burned myself on microwave popcorn I would never leave a scar.

I cared for my parents till they died (mother in 1999, father in 2001). Then I left Denver for St. Louis. Stopped therapy, lost my leg, lost my health insurance.

Fell in love, took the Beck inventory and scored like npormal people feel when they lose their job. That was the lowest level of depression I had registed since 1986.

So yes, I truly know what it is like to spend most of my life suicidal.

However, I can be there for my kids and grandkids, this would never have happened had I been dead. I no longer think the world is a totally hostile environment, I am no longer paranoid (and when I get those feelings I know it is between my ears, not in the real world). My grand kids are always happy to see me, even the shy one.

I am living on disability. I have about $10,000 in savings. And that is my retirement. I take 22 pills a day. I go to therapy twice a week, and I struggle.

But life has finally proven that waking up in the morning is better than dreading it.

Our stpories are all differemnt. We are all the same. Trust us as your comrades, it does get worth living.


I

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#420432 - 12/29/12 10:16 PM Re: I want to die [Re: SoccerStar]
frankie72 Offline


Registered: 11/23/12
Posts: 32
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
Said it before, wasn't being glib, and still am not now:

Have you considered a puppy?

Unconditional love; focusing responsibility; and a good way to meet people.


This is probably a good idea Magellan. Personally I much prefer spending time with animals than I do people. They have their needs (food, affection, etc), but do not want, do not make things complicated, do not judge. As SoccerStar said, they give unconditional love.

Top
#420434 - 12/29/12 11:00 PM Re: I want to die [Re: SoccerStar]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Thank you for your reply and suggestion.

I already have a dog.

I need human intimacy.

Originally Posted By: SoccerStar
Said it before, wasn't being glib, and still am not now:

Have you considered a puppy?

Unconditional love; focusing responsibility; and a good way to meet people.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#420435 - 12/29/12 11:35 PM Re: I want to die [Re: genedebs]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
I'm not suicidal. I've been suicidal multiple times, but I'm too much a coward to actually do it.

I just want to die, and have wanted to die for most of my life.

I'm sorry you've had all the pains you've had associated with having relationships.

The major reason why I want to die is simply this - I've never had an authentic connection to another human being. I've never fallen in love.

I'm alone most of the time, except for coffee and lunches with program friends and acquaintances.

I'm lonely. I'm a loner, and don't want to be. I've been working hard at overcoming all of this, and I have absolutely nothing to show for it. I'm still lonely and I'm still a loner.

I envy that you've had 2 times where you fell in love. How lucky you are. It is those experiences that give us opportunities to really find out whats inside of ourselves.

me? I'm just a cheap imitation for a human being. I've discovered there is a huge, huge part of me that is comatose, unable to be discovered or explored simply because - I've never been in a relationship, and have never had one of those types of experiences. The close friendships I used to have, I was abusive, controlling and manipulative. When I realized the damage I was doing to others, I stopped. That was 12 years ago. I haven't had any close friends since.

I'm so fucking lonely. I'm social, but the extent of my being social is with people who I don't really click with, nor do I really have a great time.

You're so fucking lucky. You fell in love. TWICE!



Originally Posted By: genedebs
Magellan,

What can I say, I thought there were rules against this, but I will respond to you with my erxperience. I attempted suicide the first tim,e when I was seven. The black buick stopped about 6 inches short of where I stood. I ran away.

At 11 I tried again, that time it was a bus that stopped. Boy did the bus drivber yell at me.

At fifteen I found alcohol. The first time I drank, I drank to a black out. I discover it diddn't matter. If I was in a black out I wasn't there. So when the emotional pain was too great, I just went to a black out.

I was in love at 19, married at twenty, a father at 23, and 25, and 27, and 30. After the second child, I could not just go to black out - I had to be there for my kids. So, I began to self mutilate.

I was 37 when the world crashed in on me. The therapist made me realize that both of my parents had done terrible things to me. I was "patched up and put back out."

I was working for the Governor's office in Colorado. A friend of mine got fired so I went with him to form a business. The Attorney General filed felony charges against us.

Even though the charges were dismissed at preliminary hearing, the state prohibited any public agencies to contract with us.

I turned suicidal again even though I could still get to a black out. But, I was diagnosed with chronic depression and PTSD an put on meds. I discovered more colors when I was on meds.

I got sober and my stuggle with not drinking kept me away from suicide plans for 594 days. Then the compulsion to drink was removed. They increased my med dosage and monitored me closely.

Instead of a counselor or psychologist they placed me under the care of a psychiatrist and her nurse. Insteat of brief therapy, they gave me a therapy session every week. And they taught me all the technology to stop my negative thinking, and cope. And I still had self mutilation as a back up. In my third year of sobriety my wife through me out of the house. I learned that if I burned myself on microwave popcorn I would never leave a scar.

I cared for my parents till they died (mother in 1999, father in 2001). Then I left Denver for St. Louis. Stopped therapy, lost my leg, lost my health insurance.

Fell in love, took the Beck inventory and scored like npormal people feel when they lose their job. That was the lowest level of depression I had registed since 1986.

So yes, I truly know what it is like to spend most of my life suicidal.

However, I can be there for my kids and grandkids, this would never have happened had I been dead. I no longer think the world is a totally hostile environment, I am no longer paranoid (and when I get those feelings I know it is between my ears, not in the real world). My grand kids are always happy to see me, even the shy one.

I am living on disability. I have about $10,000 in savings. And that is my retirement. I take 22 pills a day. I go to therapy twice a week, and I struggle.

But life has finally proven that waking up in the morning is better than dreading it.

Our stpories are all differemnt. We are all the same. Trust us as your comrades, it does get worth living.


I
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#420436 - 12/29/12 11:38 PM Re: I want to die [Re: SmartShadow]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Few times of hope?

The one time I was given a full time position producing films for a non profit. That lasted a couple years before they laid me off.

The 2 times I dated a couple of people (2-3 dates) where I thought there might be a potential for something to develop, and they lost interest.... they ALL lose interest. I'm not attractive because I can't hold anyone's interest in me.

That's about it. That's about the extent of the hope I've had in my life.

Through all the years of pain and loneliness, I have learned one thing - love is the only thing that matters in life. Nothing else matters.

And apparently my purpose in life is to remind others who are complaining about their lives (no money, no job, etc) that they are stupendously lucky to even have had the experiences they have had - love is the only important thing. If you have no love in your life, no amount of money or fame will give you meaning or value in your life.

Love conquers all. I know it, because I've been SEVERELY deprived of it.



Originally Posted By: SmartShadow
Hay Magellan, thanks for the post and the added information. So sorry to here how you have wanted to die most of your life. That must be an ongoing discouragement to feal that way. I wonder if you would be willing to share what the "few times of hope were about?

I will check back later.

Take Care,

Mike
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#420438 - 12/30/12 12:02 AM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 10:22 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#420443 - 12/30/12 12:53 AM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
Randy65 Offline


Registered: 04/14/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Jonesboro, Arkansas
Magellan,
I'm not quite sure how to respond to your post, but feel that I must. I wondered aimlessly through life being so full of so called life, love, and happiness. I spent my life running, faster and faster from any emotions, while appearing to be fine. Truth was I was dead inside not being able to love or feel worthy of it. The damage was done to me at the age of 4 would guide my life silently but aggressively. I just want to share a few things that I feel when I read your posts.

I feel.. pain The pain of longing for something that you desire so badly but find it so hard to attain. I have felt this pain before. I would long for it so badly that I would let the wrong people enter my life and take advantage of me. My version of love was not the same as others. Punishing myself by believing it was me that was not worthy of this gift called love and that I deserved to be treated as bad as I was verbally, physically and emotionally.

I feel..confusion The kind of confusion that makes you question life and what it has to offer. A confusion that had me thinking that I was loosing my mind, going crazy, and just loosing control of what I thought was a perfect life. The highs and huge crashes of depression that no one but us understands.

I feel.. anger Why did this have to happen to us? Why? Why can't we just get over it like so many have and just get it fixed. Except it and move on. I'm so sick of hearing that crap. We are dealing with it. Therapy and meds that take forever to level out and then to find out it's not working and have to be switched again. People always making comments about how much weight we have lost or gained. Fine, you find out that your life was determined by others when you were a child, then you can talk to me about how I look.

I feel.. anxiety The kind of anxiety that makes my hands shake, jaws clinch, and my knees week. I feel that I am running out of time to deal with all of this. The healing is not coming quick enough and not at the pace I want. Why can't my brain release the horror locked up inside in segments that I will understand. Why do I have to constantly fear about having flashbacks or disassociations while being in crowds or watching a movie. I'm tired of being on guard 24/7.

I feel.. hope The kind of hope that has carried me this far. The kind of hope that allows you to feel something. We are broken, I will admit that, but I will not give up on hope. I have been where you are and visit that place daily and I fight hard everyday to keep hope in my heart.
For pain can be no worse than what has already been done to us. Confusion I have learned, is part of the healing, sure I don't understand some of the things I do, okay most of the things I do, but isn't that why we turn to the professionals.
Anger is always on my shoulders, bitter anger that makes me say things that I would have never said. I am getting better at recognizing it now, but it still is here. As far as the anxiety goes the meds have helped but the best medicine I have found is right here on MS. The people that have helped the most are the very people that are the farthest from me but in reality are the closest. You see Magellan, you are not alone in this fight, we are loved and joined with the rest of us misfits that are not giving up. You are very worthy of a happy life of love, we all are. I fight everyday to be the best person that I can be, sure I feel that it's not good enough, but it's the best I got.

Just keep giving everyday the best you got. Meds and therapy are hard on all of us, time is our biggest fear yet it is what also heals us. Please do not give up on your quest for love because I never found it until I looked in my own heart.
Stay strong my friend,
Randy
_________________________
My Story of CSA
http://youtu.be/EJIlKCRL_6M

My Story of CSA: The Day God Entered My Heart
http://youtu.be/vpCWEp6u9zM

My Story of CSA: "Flashbacks" (Trigger Caution)
http://youtu.be/xLd5Fe-MxVM



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#420462 - 12/30/12 12:17 PM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 10:22 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#420475 - 12/30/12 04:26 PM * [Re: Magellan]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:42 PM)

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#420480 - 12/30/12 06:00 PM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Thanks for your feedback again, Gary.

I can see that my mindset is not functional here anymore. I will stop posting.

Thanks again.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

Top
#420488 - 12/30/12 08:58 PM Re: I want to die [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 10:23 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#420491 - 12/30/12 10:27 PM * [Re: Magellan]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:44 PM)

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#420504 - 12/31/12 12:52 AM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 10:23 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#420524 - 12/31/12 12:48 PM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: Magellan
Through all the years of pain and loneliness, I have learned one thing - love is the only thing that matters in life. Nothing else matters.

And apparently my purpose in life is to remind others who are complaining about their lives (no money, no job, etc) that they are stupendously lucky to even have had the experiences they have had - love is the only important thing. If you have no love in your life, no amount of money or fame will give you meaning or value in your life


Bullshit. Then according to you my life has no meaning or value. I also don't have the love you crave. The last time I kissed a girl was over 25 years ago. I will not bother going into differences in our details as it is irrelevant. I gave up the pursuit of love as I felt it was unattainable. And I worked to build myself a better life but one without love. Is it the life I would have ideally wanted? No not even close. But I value it as it is what I made and it is mine.

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#420536 - 12/31/12 04:08 PM * [Re: lapchinj]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:44 PM)

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#420555 - 12/31/12 10:36 PM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 09:11 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#420560 - 12/31/12 10:56 PM * [Re: Magellan]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:45 PM)

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#420564 - 12/31/12 11:15 PM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 09:11 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#420574 - 01/01/13 02:35 AM . [Re: lapchinj]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:17 PM)

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#420586 - 01/01/13 10:13 AM Re: I want to die [Re: Life's A Dream]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 09:12 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#420588 - 01/01/13 10:35 AM Re: I want to die [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 09:12 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#420642 - 01/01/13 08:39 PM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 09:12 PM)
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Stick around, It will get better....

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#420644 - 01/01/13 08:47 PM . [Re: lapchinj]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:16 PM)

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#420651 - 01/01/13 10:48 PM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 09:12 PM)
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Stick around, It will get better....

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#420653 - 01/01/13 11:00 PM . [Re: Magellan]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:15 PM)

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#420656 - 01/01/13 11:31 PM Re: I want to die [Re: Life's A Dream]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6857
Loc: USA
That's a truly sweet avatar photo.

Puffer

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#420665 - 01/02/13 02:48 AM . [Re: pufferfish]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 08:55 PM)

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#420683 - 01/02/13 09:01 AM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 09:13 PM)
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Stick around, It will get better....

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#420763 - 01/03/13 01:19 AM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
jbodean Offline


Registered: 01/20/11
Posts: 9
He posted a goodbye and said that he was going to back away from posting for awhile because he was feeling triggered and not in a healthy space when reading/responding. I really feel for him and hope he is OK.

I was moved by what he was saying because there have been times in my life when I've felt very lonely and felt that no one could possibly understand what I was feeling or going through. Like I was watching the world through a glass barrier that I could never break through. That other people had lives filled with happiness and love that would never be afforded to me. That death was the only release.

I know that sometimes that dark space can becon like a comforting, old friend, but I also know that it gets better. Sometimes it is a struggle for me to be present in the moment and not disassociate myself from what I am feeling. I know that letting go of anger and self-loathing can sometimes be difficult. I also know that if you are willing to step out of that dark space and open yourself up, life is waiting beyond that glass. It's not all sunshine and freakin roses, but having an authentic experience is worth the struggle. It's a little piece that I win back.

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#420833 - 01/03/13 01:57 PM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 09:13 PM)
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Stick around, It will get better....

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#420867 - 01/03/13 06:20 PM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1402
Loc: California
Hi guys,

I'm fine. Thanks for your concern. I need to stop posting for a while because I have been triggered by people caring to respond and offer support. And in the triggering, I've been responding with less than kindness, and that's not healthy for me, and doesn't support a safe environment for others.

I'll be abstaining from posting, but will continue reading.

Thanks again guys.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#420891 - 01/03/13 09:48 PM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/16/13 09:13 PM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#420894 - 01/03/13 10:25 PM . [Re: Magellan]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 08:27 PM)

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#420954 - 01/04/13 08:29 AM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1185
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 10:23 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

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#421067 - 01/05/13 01:40 AM Re: I want to die [Re: Magellan]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3378
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: Magellan
I'm fine. Thanks for your concern.
...
I'll be abstaining from posting, but will continue reading


This made my day!!!
Thanks, D.

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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