Thanks men for your comments on my previous post. I spoke with my father earlier this afternoon and I am very grateful to say it went well. As well as it could given where we both are emotionally. I had the courage to be honest about burdens I was carrying and the strength and love to not be abusive toward him or myself I do believe. And, I am very thankful to my God for everything that took place. It did not go exactly as I hoped but it went allright.
I spoke to him about past wrongs and hurts. I let him know about the pain I still carry in me from his failed relationship with my mother and his absent relationship with me. And, I shared with him about mistakes I made back then too. And, I did my best to not be blaming or shaming. When I felt he was responsible I let him know it. Where I felt I was responsible I accepted it and I said it out loud for both of us to here. And, I was able to get a real burden off of my chest.
Will he ever be the father I long for? No. And, I may never be the son he wishes for. But, I hope and pray that both of us will do our best towards each other for the rest of our time together.
I realized I love the man with all his good ways and bad. And, the past is gone. I can't go back and fix it. I must live with it and do the best I can today. That is all. And, that is the best it gets and I am grateful for it. Thanks Lord!
And, I pray that we all reach a place of peace and comfort and belief in self. We all deserve this. We truly do.
After talking with him and sharing my load I felt a sense of hopefulness that I had not felt in a long time. It felt great and I thanked my God for it! And, I pray I will use this opportunity to move forward in my life. To move further into healing and peace. Thank you Lord God and thanks to all who will read this. May our Gods bless us all. Sincerely,
p.s. My father was abusive towards me but not sexually. My mother was covertly incestuous toward me, based on what I read in "Betrayed as Boys" by Dr. Richard Gartner.