I don't know which one is worst. I value my privacy but at the same time I hate being by myself. I like watching movies and going out to eat alone but I hate the way I look when I'm sitting by myself. People look at you like "Why is he all alone? Where are his friends?" I'm going to the movies tonight, I wanted to go by myself but I decided to invite my roommates' friends just because,,, I don't know, I guess I didn't want to be alone but at the same time I do. I value my privacy... is that just a way of saying that I'm lonely?

I know what your saying, I tend to eat all my meals out in my car at a fast food resturant. No one there looking at you wondering whats wrong. I met a friend that I know just from the internet a couple of weeks ago and we went to this bar where he does know people including the bartender. It made me very self-concious feeling like people were sizing me up as in who is this guy. Probably shouldn't flatter myself as to think anyone cares but I do. Most survivors have a self-worth/self-esteem problem, we tend to think we are not worth anything.

I hope to work on that when I get a new T, IF I can ever get up the nerve to call him and stop making excuses.

Jason

I am a loner, and don't want to be.

Therefore, I'm a loser. I lose.

You’re not a looser. It sounds like it’s not so much the fact that you are alone as it is how you are perceived by others when you are. For me, the older I get, the less I care what people think of me. Plus, when you start talking to people, you find out that most people are bothered by feelings of insecurity and how they are perceived by others. I think as survivors, these feelings are heightened because as onlyakid stated, many of us struggle with self-esteem, shame, and guilt on top of that.

Being someplace alone doesn’t mean you aren’t lonely. You can be standing in a crowded room and feel lonely. Try to think less of what others may think and be more present in the moment. Can you really enjoy the movie or that meal alone if you are so worried about what it looks like when you are sitting by yourself? I guarantee you that those same people that you are worried about what they are feeling or thinking about you are feeling the same way to some degree.

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What I wouldn't give to have just ONE authentic human connection.

Apparently "God" thinks that's too much to ask for, and I don't deserve it. So I have to work tirelessly at trying to recover from a fucked up childhood ... only to be a loner and a loser as an adult. Fuck you, God.

Sorry to hijack the thread. I'll bow out.

Maybe I should just leave MS. I'm so full of negativity and hellfire speech lately. I'm not contributing anything worthwhile here. I'm such a downer.

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I think I need to stop talking here.