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#420301 - 12/28/12 11:43 AM coping
jay75 Offline


Registered: 07/23/12
Posts: 145
Tread lightly.... I feel thats what ive been doing for so long. Tip-toeing around my feelings. I have been avoiding "triggers" as if I am an incompetent child fearful of spiraling out of controll. I have all of these misplaced emotions that I dont know what to do with. I don't know why I'm so angry I don't know why I'm still so hurt I don't know why depression keeps creeping in. I find myself more and more unable to tolerate groups of people. I have no desire to be around anyone other than my wife and children. I used to be a people person the life of the party so to speak. there's a never ending tug of War raging inside of me. I wish I could just snap out of this s***. Im tired, I need clarity, I need to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want me back, the person I used to be. Not this shell ive become. I would give anything to go back to when this didnt have such a strong hold on me... I feel age has made me weak...
JUST A RANT....
-Jay-
_________________________
"Those are not your sins" A wise man

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#420302 - 12/28/12 12:30 PM Re: coping [Re: jay75]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
I am sorry you are having such a hard time today

I too am an incompetent child feArful of spiraling out of control. Perhaps we all are. The misplaced emotions in my experience is the explosions we have have from the fear, anger (rage?)from the humiliation, violation and betrayal of our past.

You have learned you can trust your wife and kids why not be with them and avoid the a**holes of the rl. Disrespected by other family members much less the other people in groups with so much indifference.

Clarity and become who we are is all part of recovery. I don't know if you will be who you used to be. What I do know is that who I used to be was built on psychotic delusions that minimized my CSA and other abuses. I remember saying I was not severely abusaed, they never broke my bones. As though that was an appropriate measure.

You will find a journey that makes the strong hold it has on you diminish. Weather that lets you go back cannot be foretold.

Your openness and sharing is proof that age has not made you weak.

May God Bless you and keep you, and grant you peace.


Edited by genedebs (12/28/12 12:31 PM)

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#420304 - 12/28/12 12:51 PM Re: coping [Re: jay75]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1666
Jay

I am sorry you are going through these feelings and emotions. Sadly, I think we must feel the pain of the abuse in order to heal. At least I, shut the abuse out as well as the emotions and feelings. Since the triggers began six years ago--I have been a bundle of emotions--ups, downs, lost time, feeling lost, feeling distrustful, unable to keep my life in order. I have days when I believe I can control but then wham--the part of me so longed buried kicks in and takes over--I leave and where I go only the part I buried knows.

I know I need to come to terms with this part of me--understand and accept a part of me find specialness in the abuser, his words and what he did create a false world for the young child. It is these emotions that haunt and take control---the hold is so strong. I am working on facing these emotions, feelings--it is slow. Today I feel good but Sunday night the memories of the abuse played like a movie over and over--and that part of me that seems to feel the specialness of the abuse took over. I was not who I am. Hard to explain, but like many other survivors I understand.

Stay strong, keep seeking help, and hopefully one day we all can face and accept the abuse and integrate the part we lost at the time of the abuse--so to allow us to be whole.

Keep well and I look to 2013 as a new year with new hopes and dreams that not only I, but everyone here progresses with healing and finds the wholeness of self--that we can extricate the demon of the abuser and abuse from controlling our lives. I have faith in you--you seem to have a support system that is standing by you. That is so valuable and it shows the compassion and character of your family.

Best wishes
Kevin

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#420306 - 12/28/12 01:01 PM Re: coping [Re: jay75]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Hi Jay, I know how you feel.

I've never been the life of the party so you have probably experienced more of a change than I have. But then I've so totally isolated myself and I don't have a wife/children/anyone that you have. It's been close to a a year since I have had lunch at work at noon when everyone else does. I've stopped reading the news so little of the world leaks in. (I haven't watched TV in years but that was a choice not related to what I'm going through now)

Things were so bad I didn't care if I was alive. No I was not suicidal but I just didn't care. I was so fatigued all the time. I was asked by one woman at work I sometimes talk to if my physical activity/exersize helped put me in a better mood. (I bike to/from work 10km each way from spring-fall, 1hr on treadmill/day in winter) I told her that I didn't know, that if I was in a better mood because of the exersize then I better not quit.

But after months of this I have been getting better. Still it is crap but not as low as I was before. A long way from what would be acceptable but I feel more like I am in a tunnel (still no light) but it's not the pit I was in.

I'm sure you will get better and that you just need to ride out this period in your life. Find things that interest you even if they are with or without people.

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#420319 - 12/28/12 05:05 PM Re: coping [Re: jay75]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hay Jay75 and all,

Wow, thanks I think you are describing me, where I find myself as well. I don't like my self when I am around people. Besides my wife and kids. More now then before. A layer of denial has been removed surrounding my csa, age and memories. I want to just go away and heal. Come back when I am more whole.
I am also looking for a way up and out of this quandary.

I keep thinking EMDR and the Trama, stuff needs to be delt with. My fear is I will fall apart in the process. I just need a plan. Many of you are out of this pit. Thanks for leading the way. One day I will fight our way out.

Until then, I am tired of fealing trapped in this pit. But I see some hand holds and I will get out.

SS

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#420322 - 12/28/12 05:42 PM Re: coping [Re: jay75]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Guys,

I am starting my first EMDR session on January 4. We are all in this together.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#420323 - 12/28/12 05:42 PM Re: coping [Re: jay75]
Letourski Offline


Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
I can relate. Does it ever end? The struggle with life. Depression, feeling worthless, like I am going nowhere. I am tired of sounding poetic, of saying things like keep your head up. There is nobody to validate my pain. When the fuck is my messiah coming for me, for us. We battle and battle with our damaged selves. I say fuck it, and throw myself into things that leave little room for emotion. The iron I lift every day doesn't lie to me, hurt me.
_________________________
I am the warrior.

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#420326 - 12/28/12 06:33 PM Re: coping [Re: jay75]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hay Cant,

Thanks for the encouragement! I realy think the EMDR is going to help me too.
Let me know if you could how it works for you. I will keep in touch.

Mike


Edited by SmartShadow (12/28/12 06:33 PM)

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#420327 - 12/28/12 06:37 PM Re: coping [Re: jay75]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1039
Mike,

Sure thing. I'm sure I'll post on my EMDR experiences as soon as they happen. I'm already EMDR buddies with Life's A Dream, so you can be our EMDR buddy too.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#420337 - 12/28/12 07:47 PM * [Re: jay75]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:40 PM)

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