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#420233 - 12/27/12 01:19 PM Re: Help, My Wife Knows Now....and I'm Scared [Re: Kryptic]
Kryptic Offline


Registered: 12/20/10
Posts: 24
Loc: USA
Thank you Doug; It's hard to say to her, as I did, that I am aroused by gay porn and sometimes masturbate to it because it's not what it appears to be on the surface. But to anyone hearing or looking at me without knowing my story, I sound crazy when I explain myself. She has gotten better. She's devastated still, but last night, she grabbed my hand and I just cried because she had not touched me in two days. I just can't believe I've done this to her, and to us. Part of me feelings like a failure because I couldn't keep this under-wraps although I know that's not the answer either.
_________________________
"Because if you don't define yourself for yourself, you'll be crushed into other people's image of you, and eaten alive." (Audre Lorde)

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#420234 - 12/27/12 01:23 PM Re: Help, My Wife Knows Now....and I'm Scared [Re: Kryptic]
Kryptic Offline


Registered: 12/20/10
Posts: 24
Loc: USA
Thank you Keith; I started therapy in January when I was trying to control this and get help without her knowing. It was hard to do, and after four sessions, my therapist cancelled and I never reschedule. It was my out from tough conversation and reliving my experiences. I'm currently looking for a counselor that can handle my issues and assist my wife. thank you for the care you've shown, and for moderating this platform for people like me to reach out to others for help and understanding.
_________________________
"Because if you don't define yourself for yourself, you'll be crushed into other people's image of you, and eaten alive." (Audre Lorde)

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#420235 - 12/27/12 01:30 PM Re: Help, My Wife Knows Now....and I'm Scared [Re: Kryptic]
Kryptic Offline


Registered: 12/20/10
Posts: 24
Loc: USA
Thanks Lee for sharing; that helps me hope a little harder, and solidifies my faith that we can make it through this; I'm just in shock still; my world has crumbled and I'm trying to be okay with feeling vulnerable and unsettled. She's been awesome since last night, but I just can't get over the pain on her face, even as she strokes my hand. I've destroyed her, and I'm so sorry, but I can't undo it or change it, and that sucks. It hurts to see her in so much pain because we already had so much on us. We're the stabilizes factor in our families, and now in addition to the families mess, we have to deal with my past and bad choices not to tell her, deal with my issues, and get consistent help.
_________________________
"Because if you don't define yourself for yourself, you'll be crushed into other people's image of you, and eaten alive." (Audre Lorde)

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#420307 - 12/28/12 01:12 PM Re: Help, My Wife Knows Now....and I'm Scared [Re: Kryptic]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
Hi Kryptic

I don't know whether I should even respond to your pain because my efforts did not work out/.

You own that you did not trust her. It shouldn't suprise you that when some of the truth got out her first response was distrust. Since she really doesn't understand she has directed her mistrust into things she thinks she can understand.

You are gay and she cannot meet you needs. You prefer masturbating to porn to sex with her. You have been unfaithful and betrayed her. You are making excuses to continue to degrade her b y getting aroused by pornography.

The terror and betrayal that is internalized by our violation and humiliation of CSA, is not rational or understandable. We spend years trying to come to terms with it and we experienced that abuse.

There are groups now forming in the family and friends part of this web site. Couples counselling may work for you, after six months my ex wife said she didn't understand what the therapist was saying, so it didn't work for me.

You recognize her pain and you rationalize that your coping process is bad. It is what it is. You are struggling as best you can. You will never be perfect nd you have to own that too. No one can ever meet all the expectations of another person, even if they never experienced any trauma.

It sounds as though you both come from pretty dysfunctional families. So holding on to each other is like a life raft. If you look for information about how you were both effected by your family of origin experiences she may be willing to accept some of the aspects of keeping secrets.

I wish you great positive results from this trying time


Edited by genedebs (12/28/12 01:12 PM)

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#420314 - 12/28/12 02:19 PM Re: Help, My Wife Knows Now....and I'm Scared [Re: Kryptic]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Hi Kryptic. This is the third time I tried to reply to your thread. I always deleted it before posting because it seemed inadequate. But genedebs's post got me to try again. Different than before but still valid.

Stop being so hard on yourself!

She doesn't understand and that is no surprise. Hell I don't understand half of me and I've lived with me my whole life. As genedebs said, it sounds like she also has some significant issues. This is a tough thing to deal with and you both are going to have to calm down.(as you have significantly) It will take more time for her to understand but she still may not understand enough in the end.

Have her do some reading on the subject. Maybe have her join here and get some help from the women in Family & Friends, unless you don't want her to see your involvement and what you have posted. But in the end I think she has to get educated otherwise without understanding what is really going on she will likely make shit up. We all do with incomplete information.

Hopefully you will be able to salvage something out of this mess. This is going to force you to try and deal with your issues. But for now you have to get her on your side so she can be a help and not a hinderance.

Yup, just like the other times (but different), still inadequate.

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#420328 - 12/28/12 06:44 PM Re: Help, My Wife Knows Now....and I'm Scared [Re: Kryptic]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3377
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Kryptic - i sent you a link by PM to a thread from back when i was going through this. maybe there will be something there you can relate to.
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#420405 - 12/29/12 04:39 PM * [Re: Kryptic]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:40 PM)

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