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#420232 - 12/27/12 01:13 PM Unlovable
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1438
Loc: California
Is it unreasonable to believe that I am unlovable because nobody has ever loved me?

Because this is the sad truth of my life. People might find me initially sexy and appealing, but 100% of them, after they get to know WHO I am, bail. They leave, and I'm no longer sexy anymore. Do I have bad breath? is it my crossed eyes? Is it because my hearing is fucked up? Is it because I'm a social misfit? Is it all of these things (It's a *lot* of baggage).

Happened again this year, and this was EXTREMELY painful. I love him madly, and he initially really got into me, but once he found out who I am (with all my issues), he backed off, and is now being polite and acting like a platonic friend. Yesterday he started giving off signals that he was desiring to back off even from our friendship.

I guess I'm not a good friend to have. I'm undesirable. Maybe I'm a self centered asshole. I'm too focused on my own issues to provide any meaningful or humorous company that inspires and creates desire for more. It never happens.

I'm so fucking lonely, and so fucking tired of sleeping alone in my bed and coming home to an empty house. The closest I came to having a companion was a good 'fuck buddy' that I couldn't trust (he had a tendency to lie).

So, how is it inaccurate to believe that I am unlovable when I look at all the lost opportunities for love due to the fact that the other person always bails once they start getting to know me? I'm the common denominator in all of this, and it has to be me (I'm not blaming anyone else, I'm taking responsibility).

D
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#420240 - 12/27/12 02:08 PM Re: Unlovable [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1438
Loc: California
And if someone tells me I have to learn how to love myself before someone else can love me, I'm going to scream.

1. I know dozens of people who don't love themselves that are in relationships (some of them long term).

2. I've been "loving" myself for years. I buy myself hearing aids so I can hear, pay my bills, eat healthy, exercise, see a therapist, seek recovery, buy glasses so I can address my vision issues, and so much more. These are all acts of love.

After all these years of being alive, I know the most important thing in life is love. Nothing else matters.
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#420242 - 12/27/12 03:24 PM * [Re: Magellan]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:38 PM)

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#420245 - 12/27/12 03:49 PM Re: Unlovable [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1438
Loc: California
Nobody on my end.

You (and everyone else) appears to be blessed.

I'm starting to become convinced that I'm just an asshole and don't know it or something.

I seriously don't get it.
_________________________
If I'm acting despondent, Please ask me if I'm eating sugar. I keep forgetting sugar makes me crazy.

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#420248 - 12/27/12 05:51 PM Re: Unlovable [Re: Magellan]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Originally Posted By: Magellan
1. I know dozens of people who don't love themselves ...


Sorry to point the light over here, but I honestly have no idea what not hating myself is about. I can remember liking life enough to skip, sing, smile and enjoy everything, but that ended fully after I used the knife.

From then-on, all I know is self hate.

I admire anyone who can get to "self love," but I truly don't know what that is.
_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#420251 - 12/27/12 06:25 PM Re: Unlovable [Re: Magellan]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Quote:
I admire anyone who can get to "self love," but I truly don't know what that is.

I don't understand either. But I have been in a dark place for so long I can't remember what being out of it was like.

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#420252 - 12/27/12 06:53 PM Re: Unlovable [Re: Magellan]
little big man Offline


Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 106
Loc: nevada
I understand. I was treated like shit by my parents and relitives so I became brainwashed to firmly believe i am shit. I do alot to get better, work on myself. I know I have to be with another who also works on herself. I stay away from shallow people. Being cared about is not a familiar feeling for me. Have not had it, trusted it. Have a friend now who does care and cries when i tell about my childhood. Strange to me to be cared about.

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#420253 - 12/27/12 06:59 PM Re: Unlovable [Re: Magellan]
Obi Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1399
Loc: kansas
Originally Posted By: Magellan
Nobody on my end.

You (and everyone else) appears to be blessed.

I'm starting to become convinced that I'm just an asshole and don't know it or something.

I seriously don't get it.



I don't understand it either.... when you figure it out, please let me know..... i'm not worthy of anything.
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live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

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#420255 - 12/27/12 07:16 PM Re: Unlovable [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Originally Posted By: Smalltown80sBoy
This one guy I was with, after we broke up, told me that he found somebody that didn't have issues, which was a dig at me.
WTF!!!

After him, I don't know how you (anyone) ever try again.
After that I don't know why.

I've been told to try meetup.com just to not be a hermit, but the Hermitage is a safe place and has safe people.

Again, I'm sorry if I'm too tangential or off-topic.
_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#420257 - 12/27/12 08:51 PM Re: Unlovable [Re: Magellan]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 288
Loc: MO
Dear Magellan

First it is totally nuts (derogatory, self defeating)to think you are unloveable. It is one of the lies that we fall back on. Just like we are damaged goods, or not good enough, or worthless.

We have been taught to own our failure to be protected, our failure to "get over it", our failure to overcome the obstacles, mostly so that people who are our caregivers camn avoid their blame and guilt.

What you have described as proof of mself love are actually proof of self care. That is very important, many of us struggle with performing to tasks of self care. The more of your own self care nthat you take care of the lower your maintence requirements.

So, they don't love you. Kinsey said that unstable relationships are the only relationships that homosexuals are capable. Don't know if that is true, or even worthwhile considering. The idea of romantic love is thought by many to be an expression of loving the image of love, not a trrue expression of a connection with another person.
Love is also thought to be a solution to our own instability and saddness. (Sadness shared is half relieved). I know that while I was experience love with my now friend but no longer a member of a couple with me, I was assessed with the Beck inventory. This is a measure of the level of depression. My score was the lowest I ever achieved (Low is good). My score is usually indicative of the level of depression experienced by someone who just lost their job.

So I suggest that you may expect too much from love. I was married in 1969, we had 4 kids. After 15 years shew primarily saw me as the father of her children. She rarely expressed affection much less love. However, after another 10 years and my getting sober she threw me out of the house. Now, I should be greatfu;l that I had 15 good years. Except when she through me out of the house she basically indicated she couldn't remember the first 10 years of our lifwe together.

I am suggesting the are all kinds of people and opportunities for relationships. Some are more stable than others. Some will be wonderful, others will be difficult. I know I can put too much on the other person in the relastioinship. This will always drive them away. But if I am too needy, need to be reassured ands reassuring them of the wonder of our relationship, this will alsao chase them away.

Unfortunately, a stable intimate, mutually satisfying relationship is a rare experience. I hope you find it, but it is a rare experience not an indication of unlovability

All I can do is share my experience. I hope it helps


Edited by genedebs (12/27/12 08:52 PM)

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