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#420159 - 12/26/12 01:52 PM Re: Help, My Wife Knows Now....and I'm Scared
Kryptic Offline


Registered: 12/20/10
Posts: 24
Loc: USA
I have not posted for awhile here, almost two years. I thought I had gotten a hold of these things, SSA and Porn, (all types); however, I just ended up ruining Christmas. We had just gone to my organizations Christmas Party the day before. We had an awesome time, and then when we returned home we had the best love making session ever. I wanted more, I always want more, but she was tired, so I watched some porn.(I never get enough, and she thinks that it's because she's not enough) On Christmas Eve, she decided to use my phone to look for something and found my browser locked on gay porn. She was devastated. I have not been able to consul her at all. She wants to hurt me, and also hug the hurt away she says. She asked if I was gay, and I said no, but she didn't understand how I could look at gay porn and not be gay. How could I make such passionate love to her after watching gay porn? I told her it's because I was molested as a child from age 5 to 12 by an older male cousin, and that it's the sex, not the person. She said that I told her but never gave details, and I said, I know. I want on to tell her that I look at all types of porn when we have fights, I'm stressed at work, when I feel depressed, or when I'm upset that we haven't been intimate, It's my safe place, and I feel better, for the moment, before the guilt and shame set in. I told her that I was getting worse which is why I hired a therapist in January. I finally told her that my therapist specializes in men who where molested as boys. She has been crying and angry; she won't even look at me. I'm so ashamed and embarrassed; I couldn't even look at her. I don't know what to do. She wants me to promise not to look at porn, but I can't promise that. She wanted me to tell her everything, and I wasn't ready to tell the details of my molestation. That made her angry. Now, she states that she doesn't trust me, and doesn't want me alone. For the past two days, when I go to the bathroom, she follows and paces to make sure I'm not surfing the web. She says that she can't trust me any more, and that she's not enough for me because of the type of porn I was watching. I tried to tell her. I tried to explain, but she just doesn't understand. Understandably, she's hurt, she doesn't trust me, and she's questioned my sexuality three times. I'm losing it; I just can't take it. My therapist hasn't called because its the holiday, and I need help. I'm devastated that I had to tell her I was penetrated. I couldn't tell her about the SSA or other details because she thinks I'm gay now, and she keeps asking why me? Then she reads about it and talks to me nicely, and the next minute she states she wants to hurt me or punch me in the fucking face. I feel lost; my wife knows that another man penetrated me, and that is hard for me to accept. I'm trying not to lose it over here. She told me a needed to tell her everything and if she finds out I haven't, we're done. But there's so much she doesn't know, and that I'm not ready to tell. I can't tell. My life in over; I have two sons, and I don't want to lose them or waking up in the same house with them. I want this to be over; this is my worst nightmare coming true. Sorry for rambling, but I need guidance here please, somebody, please...I truly do love my wife and our family, but I've tried to stop feeling aroused by other guys, and I've tried not to look at porn, but I'm powerless, and more so now because I'm not happy professionally. I want my life back, and I'm angry because it feels like I'm being molested all over again. Please, somebody, talk me through this.


Edited by Kryptic (12/26/12 01:58 PM)
_________________________
"Because if you don't define yourself for yourself, you'll be crushed into other people's image of you, and eaten alive." (Audre Lorde)

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#420165 - 12/26/12 02:30 PM Re: Help, My Wife Knows Now....and I'm Scared [Re: Kryptic]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1446
Kryptic

I am sorry for you--the pain you are going through. It is difficult for others to understand--it is the victim acting out the original trauma--why-some say the victim is left with an imprint to recreate the abuse to find pleasure in the abuse. Many victims are prey to the abuser--feeling special and told the acts are the only way to find love. It goes on to say the imprint can cause the acting out but does not define sexual orientation. The unresolved trauma of the abuse needs to be addressed to resolve this need--because one needs to remember the abuser controls the victim and defines the experience.

There is a post on MS that can better explain it:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=309001&page=all

I wish you well--I too have been told I have tried to recreate the abuse, but for me I seem to loose time and have no recollection of traveling to and being involved in such acts. I have found sites on my computer that I know I did not visit but somehow they were there. I experience dissociation and fugue and have awoke in unknown places-including hospitals and the last time, this past Monday, because I blacked out and fell at a place 45-50 miles from my home. So I do not know if anything ever occurred. This leaves me without explanation and makes any of it difficult to explain--I am told dissociation and fugue are not real--so how do I explain the effects of CSA to people with a closed perspective on the subject compounded with lost time?

I am working on healing and I know my true self is to find a woman who will love me and each of us will put each other first. However, I need to progress on healing and resolve the trauma of the abuse and make sure I am no longer under the control of the abuser or abuse.

I wish you well. And sadly, as we go through the healing and torments with others, it is like being victimized over and over. But I am told, once we resolve the trauma, we are no longer victims.





Edited by KMCINVA (12/26/12 05:43 PM)

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#420167 - 12/26/12 02:34 PM Re: Help, My Wife Knows Now....and I'm Scared [Re: Kryptic]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
Wow, that's horrible. I'm so sorry she is being completely unsympathetic and selfish on the effects of your abuse.

A few quick questions:
-How much of the details of your abuse had she known?
-Have you ever had consensual, adult sex with a man?
-Have you ever cheated on her? Ever with a man?
-Do you use drugs?

Because it's time to educate her on standards and norms damn fast.

Make it plain to her that you were raped as a child. Repeatedly. By someone whom you trusted who had authority over you. That it is an undisputed psychiatric fact that such experiences can cause same-sex fantasies and thoughts, but that thoughts are not the same as actions.

If she just found out you're fucking guys on the side, then you've got monumental challenges ahead of you to keep this marriage going. But if you've been faithful to her, it's way appropriate to re-focus the conversation on the trauma and betrayal of your rape, how you tried to put your life together afterwards, have been the best husband and father that you can, and that ultimately thoughts never hurt anybody. Unless everybody drooling over a Lamborghini on the highway is now a car thief!

Tell her you're sorry the porn disturbs her and you'll "work on it." Reassure her that she's the only woman for you and she's been faithful to you.

And redirect the conversation back to your own pain, treatment, and coping, because that's something she has no choice but to deal with. And if she rejects you for being a rape victim, then she can't be trusted to provide unconditional emotional support / safety to the children.

Perhaps try putting her directly in contact with your therapist or having her sit in on a session?

Best of luck and be strong. I had my wife find out about both my abuse and my bisexuality / straight-with-SSA issue by sneaking through my things and reading this website. She confronted me in tears, demanding to know if there was something man-like I'd seen in her in order to marry her. I was able to convince her of the truth and we got past it. I hope you can too.

Matt


Edited by SoccerStar (12/26/12 06:56 PM)
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#420168 - 12/26/12 03:03 PM Re: Help, My Wife Knows Now....and I'm Scared [Re: Kryptic]
Kryptic Offline


Registered: 12/20/10
Posts: 24
Loc: USA
Thanks Matt; I'm not fucking guys on the side, but I have in my mind many times. I can't explain it, so I couldn't explain it to her. She's so concerned with whether she's enough for me because I admitted to masturbating to gay porn, and she doesn't get how any straight man could do that. I told her I didn't understand either which is why I hired a therapist. It's hard to deal with the truth of being a man who's a father and husband, but also thinks about other men. And to everyone, I'd imagine, including her, she thinks that I'm gay. We've been together for 10 plus years, and I've always tried to protect her from this pain, this hurt, this ugly side of my life. I will definitely talk to my therapist about a good time to pull her into my sessions; I just don't know if I'm strong enough to talk about fantasies with other guys with my wife. I already feel dirty and worthless, less than a man. That would totally emasculate me. I want to feel like a man, and right now, I just feel damaged and out of control. Why can't I control it? Why couldn't I handle this before it got to this point? Thanks for the advice, and I know moving past this is possibly because you've done it, so thank you for sharing.

Kryptic
_________________________
"Because if you don't define yourself for yourself, you'll be crushed into other people's image of you, and eaten alive." (Audre Lorde)

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#420169 - 12/26/12 03:07 PM Re: Help, My Wife Knows Now....and I'm Scared [Re: Kryptic]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3568
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Kryptic,
please try to calm yourself, try to breathe and to find some safe place. It is difficult when we are pushed to disclose and certainly that is not at all good approach in this delicate matters. It could be that both sides would lose.
Your wife could feel lost and scared, she need also to get some peace back. You need to give her assurance that everything is alright and that you are there for her.
It is difficult to be brought forcefully to talk about such intimate history and under some conditions, that is not the best way to deal with abuse.
Please look how to give more time for both of you, you both needed it the most at the moment. And please don't be scared, everything is alright. Many times our spouses are not ready to accept us in full and it is very difficult for them to understand our internal demons left after abuse. Because of that sometimes it is needed that some professional talk with them about it.
Think to tell her that you are going trough therapy, and that there is possibility to take her there for serious talk, she could prepare what ever she would like to ask and you will feel more comfortable to talk in safe environment. She needs to understand that you are carrying for her and that she is not isolated and left alone in all this, but also she needs to know that you need her support. She needs to know that you need help from her, by saying so you could slowly gain her trust.
Just take it easy and try to calm down situation.
I'll have you in my prays!

Pero
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My story

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#420172 - 12/26/12 03:19 PM Re: Help, My Wife Knows Now....and I'm Scared [Re: Kryptic]
Kryptic Offline


Registered: 12/20/10
Posts: 24
Loc: USA
Thank you; your words made me tear up because I'm terrified right now Pero. I just want to crawl out of myself right now.My chest has tighten, and I'm practicing breathing right now. I told her that she was the best thing that ever happened to me and that I loved her, and that I would be there for her and our family. But I always told her that I couldn't take much more assaults because it made me want to get watch porn again, that is was just too much after two days of hearing it. Thank you again; it's just tense right now, and we don't speak unless it questions about my sexuality, or vent her rage on me. I just don't know what to do, but talking to you all is helping me calm down it bit.
_________________________
"Because if you don't define yourself for yourself, you'll be crushed into other people's image of you, and eaten alive." (Audre Lorde)

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#420173 - 12/26/12 03:22 PM Re: Help, My Wife Knows Now....and I'm Scared [Re: Kryptic]
Kryptic Offline


Registered: 12/20/10
Posts: 24
Loc: USA
Thank you for your advice, and for the link. I'm going to read it right now. If you know of any support sites or resources for spouses of survivors, but let me know. I've been looking, but didn't find any on the site.
_________________________
"Because if you don't define yourself for yourself, you'll be crushed into other people's image of you, and eaten alive." (Audre Lorde)

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#420203 - 12/26/12 11:55 PM Re: Help, My Wife Knows Now....and I'm Scared [Re: Kryptic]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 301
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
Kryptic,
Check out threads here on the topic of reenactments.
There is also info about this on the internet.
I had uninvited SSA and fantasy for three decades. I would reenact situations of what happened to me during the assault...yet I did not associate this acting out to the rape. I did this like a ritual on myself. It aroused me and disgusted me at the same time.
I learned this behavior and thinking was how I disassociated the event and changed up the reality of how I had no control during the rape. By reenacting it I was in control.
I always did this alone like some private sex life.
When I had sex with women I incorporated things that happened also.
It took indepth self-searching, understanding and new disciplines. Now I rarely think of SSA and become aroused.
I was able to accept the intrusive SSA and associate it as post-sexual assault trauma.
Hopefully your wife will be able to understand.
_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

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#420209 - 12/27/12 02:11 AM Re: Help, My Wife Knows Now....and I'm Scared [Re: Kryptic]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 836
Loc: southern California
Kryptic,

I'm sorry this is happening, although in the end, it may turn out to be for the best that it's out in the open between you and your wife. The two of you may grow much closer together through this terrible time.

I didn't find in your posts any mention of therapy. Please, if you haven't already done so, get a reliable and knowledgeable therapist involved immediately. In this case, a therapist that specializes in couples therapy AND sexual trauma.
_________________________
Keith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#420210 - 12/27/12 03:08 AM Re: Help, My Wife Knows Now....and I'm Scared [Re: Kryptic]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3211
Loc: back in the USA
Kryptic -

i went through something very similar to what you just experienced about 15 months ago. the good news is - that we are still together. i had recently had some triggering events in my life that brought back a flood of memories that had been buried for decades. i started surfing the web for photos that echoed what i remembered. she found links and was devastated.

fortunately we both have a very strong philosophical and religious commitment to the concept of marriage - as well as love for one another that was deeper than the disgust and feelings of betrayal on her part and the self-loathing and inadequacy and shame and fear of rejection on my part.

it was a very dark and scary time for both of us. we went to a therapist who was able to help us stabilize the chaotic relationship enough that he could start helping me work through my issues with CSA.

i tried my hardest to convince her that there was no one else that i loved and that it was not her fault - but my woundedness that caused me to act out in that way. i promised her that i would work hard at healing and she promised to stand by me while we worked at it together. our marriage now is stronger than it ever has been. we are closer because it is built on truth and trust - two things that i had not been able to offer before.

it is possible for the two of you to weather this storm. it will not be easy and both of you will need to take chances and be vulnerable to one another. but it is worth it. i told my wife that this was one of the best Christmases i can remember - actually - since i was so deep in denial that i didn't remember what had happened and we were young and stupid and just married.

please don't give up. on one another - or on yourself.
PM me if you want to.
Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#420233 - 12/27/12 01:19 PM Re: Help, My Wife Knows Now....and I'm Scared [Re: Kryptic]
Kryptic Offline


Registered: 12/20/10
Posts: 24
Loc: USA
Thank you Doug; It's hard to say to her, as I did, that I am aroused by gay porn and sometimes masturbate to it because it's not what it appears to be on the surface. But to anyone hearing or looking at me without knowing my story, I sound crazy when I explain myself. She has gotten better. She's devastated still, but last night, she grabbed my hand and I just cried because she had not touched me in two days. I just can't believe I've done this to her, and to us. Part of me feelings like a failure because I couldn't keep this under-wraps although I know that's not the answer either.
_________________________
"Because if you don't define yourself for yourself, you'll be crushed into other people's image of you, and eaten alive." (Audre Lorde)

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#420234 - 12/27/12 01:23 PM Re: Help, My Wife Knows Now....and I'm Scared [Re: Kryptic]
Kryptic Offline


Registered: 12/20/10
Posts: 24
Loc: USA
Thank you Keith; I started therapy in January when I was trying to control this and get help without her knowing. It was hard to do, and after four sessions, my therapist cancelled and I never reschedule. It was my out from tough conversation and reliving my experiences. I'm currently looking for a counselor that can handle my issues and assist my wife. thank you for the care you've shown, and for moderating this platform for people like me to reach out to others for help and understanding.
_________________________
"Because if you don't define yourself for yourself, you'll be crushed into other people's image of you, and eaten alive." (Audre Lorde)

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#420235 - 12/27/12 01:30 PM Re: Help, My Wife Knows Now....and I'm Scared [Re: Kryptic]
Kryptic Offline


Registered: 12/20/10
Posts: 24
Loc: USA
Thanks Lee for sharing; that helps me hope a little harder, and solidifies my faith that we can make it through this; I'm just in shock still; my world has crumbled and I'm trying to be okay with feeling vulnerable and unsettled. She's been awesome since last night, but I just can't get over the pain on her face, even as she strokes my hand. I've destroyed her, and I'm so sorry, but I can't undo it or change it, and that sucks. It hurts to see her in so much pain because we already had so much on us. We're the stabilizes factor in our families, and now in addition to the families mess, we have to deal with my past and bad choices not to tell her, deal with my issues, and get consistent help.
_________________________
"Because if you don't define yourself for yourself, you'll be crushed into other people's image of you, and eaten alive." (Audre Lorde)

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#420307 - 12/28/12 01:12 PM Re: Help, My Wife Knows Now....and I'm Scared [Re: Kryptic]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 264
Loc: MO
Hi Kryptic

I don't know whether I should even respond to your pain because my efforts did not work out/.

You own that you did not trust her. It shouldn't suprise you that when some of the truth got out her first response was distrust. Since she really doesn't understand she has directed her mistrust into things she thinks she can understand.

You are gay and she cannot meet you needs. You prefer masturbating to porn to sex with her. You have been unfaithful and betrayed her. You are making excuses to continue to degrade her b y getting aroused by pornography.

The terror and betrayal that is internalized by our violation and humiliation of CSA, is not rational or understandable. We spend years trying to come to terms with it and we experienced that abuse.

There are groups now forming in the family and friends part of this web site. Couples counselling may work for you, after six months my ex wife said she didn't understand what the therapist was saying, so it didn't work for me.

You recognize her pain and you rationalize that your coping process is bad. It is what it is. You are struggling as best you can. You will never be perfect nd you have to own that too. No one can ever meet all the expectations of another person, even if they never experienced any trauma.

It sounds as though you both come from pretty dysfunctional families. So holding on to each other is like a life raft. If you look for information about how you were both effected by your family of origin experiences she may be willing to accept some of the aspects of keeping secrets.

I wish you great positive results from this trying time


Edited by genedebs (12/28/12 01:12 PM)

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#420314 - 12/28/12 02:19 PM Re: Help, My Wife Knows Now....and I'm Scared [Re: Kryptic]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Hi Kryptic. This is the third time I tried to reply to your thread. I always deleted it before posting because it seemed inadequate. But genedebs's post got me to try again. Different than before but still valid.

Stop being so hard on yourself!

She doesn't understand and that is no surprise. Hell I don't understand half of me and I've lived with me my whole life. As genedebs said, it sounds like she also has some significant issues. This is a tough thing to deal with and you both are going to have to calm down.(as you have significantly) It will take more time for her to understand but she still may not understand enough in the end.

Have her do some reading on the subject. Maybe have her join here and get some help from the women in Family & Friends, unless you don't want her to see your involvement and what you have posted. But in the end I think she has to get educated otherwise without understanding what is really going on she will likely make shit up. We all do with incomplete information.

Hopefully you will be able to salvage something out of this mess. This is going to force you to try and deal with your issues. But for now you have to get her on your side so she can be a help and not a hinderance.

Yup, just like the other times (but different), still inadequate.

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#420328 - 12/28/12 06:44 PM Re: Help, My Wife Knows Now....and I'm Scared [Re: Kryptic]
traveler Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3211
Loc: back in the USA
Kryptic - i sent you a link by PM to a thread from back when i was going through this. maybe there will be something there you can relate to.
Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#420405 - 12/29/12 04:39 PM * [Re: Kryptic]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:40 PM)

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