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#420156 - 12/26/12 11:43 AM I survived Christmas!
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045

Christmas isn't all bad, but sometimes, ugh, it's just a triggering mess.

My father is one of seven siblings, so Christmas Day is always 30 or so people eating and drinking all day together, so naturally stuff happens.

The hosts this year were my Aunt and Uncle, who celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary this year. At some point early yesterday, someone broke out their wedding reception video and watched it in the other room. In it, I am about 6 years old, and I sing 2 songs in front of everyone at the reception, maybe 300 people, the 2nd song with a live band accompanying me.

Everyone in my family gets a big kick out of seeing young me on stage singing. But not me. The fight-or-flight reflex hits me and I want to run. I did the math in my head yesterday and realized: I'm 36 now; my aunt & uncle were married 30 years ago -- that puts their wedding in the exact window of time where I'm pretty sure I was getting abused by my old neighbor, who might have been a guest at the wedding for all I know.

So *THAT'S* why I hate that video so much. Anyway, I was in a bad mood for the rest of Christmas, but I didn't let it get the best of me. I stopped drinking and tried to stay in control.

At 6, I wanted to be on stage in front of a crowd; very soon after that, I became a reclusive boy who didn't go outside much. We've all heard that story a thousand times.

That, combined with watching my 20 y/o cousin cuss him mom out to her face, and my other cousin's crazy-ass girlfriend following me around apologizing for dumping a beer in my lap during last year's Christmas, I was ready to get the hell out of there when i did.

Luckily, I survived. I hope you did too.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#420158 - 12/26/12 12:40 PM . [Re: cant_remember]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:22 PM)

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#420160 - 12/26/12 02:03 PM Re: I survived Christmas! [Re: cant_remember]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1753
Glad you both made it through. Like Life's A Dream it was very difficult time for me. Sunday night the abuse continued to play like a movie over and over. It has been happening frequently since I visited the place of abuse. No longer snapshots but it is like a movie--vivid and rips at my soul. Monday, very early Christmas Eve am I must have left the house and somehow traveled to DC--about 45-50 miles away without the car.In the early morning hours of Christmas Day I was in the hospital--I blacked out and banged my head and hip. All was ok but the time from Monday to coming back in the hospital is a blur. I tried to figure out how I got to DC--we live in a town without public transportation and I checked the County Commuter buses--learned they were not running on Monday due to a Federal Holiday closing--so no answer. I know the back of one foot was bloodied and the pants stained with blood--so I can only presume I did some serious walking. I was told I blacked out at the Amtrak area in Union Station and fell to the floor. I guess I was trying to flee somewhere--as I am told fugue means flight. I made it back and Christmas Day was very disturbing. I hope with the close of this year--I will get on with my life and not let those that hold me back by criticizing and judging me without any concern or asking a simple are you alright. Instead, I was told I should be institutionalized. They do not know or try to understand how f*** scared and confused I am when I loose time--they ridicule and accuse me of things that I do not know.

So I am looking for a New Year to put as much of the past behind--but I need to accept the abuse will be a part of me for life in order to move forward. That is the positive that came from Christmas and I want this gift from me to me to come to fruition.


Edited by KMCINVA (12/26/12 02:05 PM)

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#420189 - 12/26/12 06:50 PM Re: I survived Christmas! [Re: cant_remember]
traveler Online   confused
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3493
Loc: somewhere in Africa
KMC - i am glad you are OK.

so sorry for this "timeout."

i hope and pray that the coming year will be kinder to you and that you will not experience this again.

be safe,
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#420193 - 12/26/12 08:10 PM * [Re: cant_remember]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:37 PM)

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#420219 - 12/27/12 09:19 AM . [Re: cant_remember]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:21 PM)

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#420230 - 12/27/12 11:45 AM . [Re: cant_remember]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:21 PM)

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#420231 - 12/27/12 01:08 PM Re: I survived Christmas! [Re: cant_remember]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1045
LAD,

What do you mean? This thread? I don't think you befouled anything, not here anyway.

I think my parents are mad at me. We were going to meet yesterday (day after Xmas) but because I was in a sour mood after the triggering wedding reception video, I think they ditched me.

My dad is planning on coming to my new apartment tomorrow, and I'm going to get to have a painful conversation with him.

Also, I've been looking forward to seeing my 2 friends from NYC tonight for a long time (I was their best man in their wedding), and I just got a text from them that they will be with her sister, who triggers the hell out of me. Now I have to figure out if it's worth it to see my friends to risk being freaked out by her creepy sister.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#420243 - 12/27/12 03:28 PM * [Re: cant_remember]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:38 PM)

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#420246 - 12/27/12 05:16 PM . [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:21 PM)

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