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#42008 - 02/09/03 07:53 PM a fuzzy memory
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
I'm four, thereabouts. In a neighbors apartment. With another little boy. An older man is there. His dad I think. Pudgy, glasses. Laughing. My father comes in angrily. He and I walk home. I'm in my underwear, holding my clothes. Looking at the cracks in the sidewalk. My face feels hot.

There's something that happened before the SA in my early teens. And this is, funnily enough, about the only memory I have of my early childhood. But nothing else has ever come to me. And my father is not alive anymore. It's so hard to pick up the pieces and move on, fix the current acting out issues, when everything is such a blur. Even the perp in my teens - who was a pedophile and slept with me in the same small bed for six months, and had sex pictures everywhere.
I don't remember contact. I remember him begging me to have sex with him, and trying in a lighthearted, manipulative way several times - I refused...as far as I can remember. I'm drowning here. Financially close to utter ruin. And these memories cause me to behave like a robot, make unsound decisions. And nothing comes.

I really don't know how to fix faster than I am. The AA, therapy, etc. It's not fast enough. I don't see how I'm going to keep going. In fact I think my mind is forcing me to crash and burn and I can't stop it. Causing me to check out, to make mistakes, to cause my own destruction and force my family to leave me. And I don't know how to stop it. If only I could remember. And if not, I wish there was some way to heal without this understanding of my situation and my past.

On and on. With you, my brothers. What a miserable hand we've been dealt. Yet there must be a way to heal. It does makes fighters of us and I'm fighting tooth and nail, determined to beat this thing. But I can't heal fast enough. My life is a complete train wreck if examined closely, or honestly. A real disaster.

Onward. Peace to all.

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#42009 - 02/09/03 10:33 PM Re: a fuzzy memory
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
I really don't know how to fix faster than I am. The AA, therapy, etc. It's not fast enough. I don't see how I'm going to keep going. In fact I think my mind is forcing me to crash and burn and I can't stop it...If only I could remember. And if not, I wish there was some way to heal without this understanding of my situation and my past.
Man I so relate to all of this. I want to heal yesterday. I want to remember everything now, or not have to remember any of it...

Quote:

On and on. With you, my brothers. What a miserable hand we've been dealt. Yet there must be a way to heal. It does makes fighters of us and I'm fighting tooth and nail, determined to beat this thing. But I can't heal fast enough. My life is a complete train wreck if examined closely, or honestly. A real disaster.

Onward. Peace to all.
Keep fighting bro, and peace to you too. You're right. There must be a way to heal.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#42010 - 02/09/03 10:48 PM Re: a fuzzy memory
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
The are certainly ways to heal. I am not sure that it is possible to be totally cured of all the aspects of having been betrayed and violated as a child/adolescent.

I have worked a fair amount around hospitals. I have seen people take a very long time to heal from some wounds, burns especially.

Perhaps the feeling of having to be fixed immediately is simply the little kid in us screaming to be protected from any further harm. That IS something we can do--we can take steps to protect ourselves from those who would harm us today. Even that is not easy, but I believe it is possible without becoming a pit bull.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#42011 - 02/10/03 01:53 PM Re: a fuzzy memory
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
ARW

Quote:
On and on. With you, my brothers. What a miserable hand we've been dealt. Yet there must be a way to heal. It does makes fighters of us and I'm fighting tooth and nail, determined to beat this thing. But I can't heal fast enough. My life is a complete train wreck if examined closely, or honestly. A real disaster.
After a train wreck come the rescue crews, the firefighters and medics.
They help the injured at the scene, some have to go to hospital for better help. But everyone gets help, and we're no different.

Some of us crawled from the wreckage and tended our own wounds, many of us left them for far too long. We needed help eventually.

Help is there, it's here as well. We've seen the wreck, we know what it's like. The wreck can't hurt you any more.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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