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#420081 - 12/25/12 02:20 PM Totally messed up "Christmas"
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
I should have known better.

I decided to drive 2 hours south of where I live to visit my "family" for Christmas Eve. It's been family tradition for the extended family to get together for dinner and exchange presents on the Eve.

I haven't done very much of that in the last 10 years, realizing that I didn't have much of a sense of belonging, so I did other things - ie - stayed alone.

I went this time because my Aunt, who has esssentially been the glue holding the family together has announced she'll be moving to the other coast soon. And the matriarch of the family, 97, is ailing. She won't be around much longer.

So I went, thinking, this is the last time our family will ahve this type of celebration.

Dinner was pleasant as everyone sat around the table and talked. But as soon as dinner ended, I suddenly found myself adrift in a sea of people, totally disconnected, with no one to talk to. Everyone else had a significant other, or kids, or siblings to be with. I had no one. I was alone.

Like a pinball lost in a pinball machine. For a good 30 minutes I sat alone, stared into my cell phone, and went outside to cry a few times. I tried my best to try and assimilate into the proceedings, but everyone was having such a great and grand old time, and I'd been crying, I couldn't find a way to barge into any of the pairings or groupings that had developed.

I was totally alone at my own "family's" gathering. I spent a couple hundred bucks buying gifts, renting a car, and driving down there to be with them, only to feel completely worthless.

Suffice it to say, I left. I was very sad, and lonely, and drove back home Christmas Eve.

Christmas morning, and just like every other fucking year this past 20 years, I'm alone - again.

I really, really, fucking hate the holidays. And right now, I really hate the trainwreck of a life my life has turned out to be. All I ever wanted was to have love in my life. By way of family, friends, and romance. I've got none of it. I'm totally and completely alone.

I should have never been born.

Oh, and Merry Christmas, everyone!

Fuck.
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#420082 - 12/25/12 04:15 PM Re: Totally messed up "Christmas" [Re: Magellan]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Magellan,
yep, feelings of isolation and lack of skills to reach to others for simple talks is terrible known feeling for me too. I should add probably is the same with many survivors.
I must say that this issue is on my plate currently working in therapy.
Recently I've broke up with girl because of lack of possibility to open myself more and faster than is comfortable for me among other things. I don't need to add that I've felt terrible inadequate and like someone from outer space at the end.
In my case this is indirectly connected to abuse but more to some situations where I've felt unseen by my parents and without any possibility to be heard and taken seriously.
My parents generally speaking have tried to be supportive to us kids (and my brother and sister have only positive opinion about them) but somehow I have left some scars that lately hurting me terrible.
When I came in visit to my father couple days ago I told him that I broke up with my girlfriend. My father is concerned only in one thing - when I'll be married and have some child. So he was disappointed when he heard latest news.
And yesterday when we two where alone he asked me why did we broke. I looked in his direction and asked myself: "how would I like to be able to tell you how you don't see me at all even now many years later, there is no way that I feel encouraged to share some intimate details with someone who is partly responsible and who is not at all aware".
And I wanted so much to talk about all you guys here, about MS and other things that are very important to me. I wanted to say that I've had some problems since childhood and so on, but there is no way that I could at the moment talk to someone who is so insensitive about such important and intimate matters.
Today I told him that I'm going back to my city before New Year and that there is possibility that one friend (whom my father doesn't consider as "successful") will visit me. My father automatically added: "Don't tell me that you'll celebrate New Year with him"?
And than I almost exploded, I told him that he is near my limits and that I won't tolerate any further talks about my friends. I'm more than mature enough to chose my friends, I'm still speechless with his talk. Who ever knows me, knows that I have some unusual persons as friends, and I just can't believe that my own father is behave like he doesn't know me (I truly think that he doesn't know me at all).
Again I felt that fu***g isolation that hurts like hell, like I was closed in some small space out of reach of my closest family members. How can I bridge those walls even with own father I still don't know, but I know that I'll try sometimes later or again in future and certainly I'll talk with my T about it.
Sorry if I hijacked your thread.
Feelings of isolation are so important for us survivors. It is terrible difficult to feel close to someone and than in moment so distant. It is even more hurtful because I see than my self as inadequate, incompetent and as total fault.
Please believe in self, say and see some positive traits in you, you are valuable person, very intelligent, very supportive and very sensitive. You deserve the best from your life and you can offer so much to others.
Hang on buddy
(((Magellan)))
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#420087 - 12/25/12 04:29 PM Re: Totally messed up "Christmas" [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
Thanks for your kind words.

Seems the only people who call me valuable and important only exist here on MS.

No one else cherish's the fact that I walk this planet. No one else desires to be in my presence. No one else wants me around. I suppose its because I don't really have much to offer? Maybe I'm a completely unpleasant person to be around? I really don't know. Maybe I really am a self centered asshole without a clue? I wish I knew what was wrong.

What I would give to have a circle of friends. What I would give to have at least ONE falling in love experience. What I would give to have at least ONE romantic relationship.

What I would give to have a real connection with another human being. Just one.

If there is a God that knows All, then God knows my unending suffering (and the suffering I see others experiencing here), and has done nothing to alleviate the suffering. I've been working since I was 11 on recovering from a horrible, traumatizing childhood. My life has been nothing BUT work to recover from childhood, and in the mean time, I have missed out on LIFE.

I'm 41 now. My grandmother said on the phone the other day "You have carried a very heavy burden, and the path you've had to walk is yours to walk."

"For what?" I replied.

She didn't know the answer to the question. And neither do I.

For what? What purpose does my suffering serve this planet? And what purpose does this unending fucked up existence give to me besides tremendous and very painful insight as to what it means to be "human"? It serves no purpose, serves no function, and has no value, other than to people here on MS. No offense to you folks, but that feels very cheap to me. I see no faces, I have no bodies to hug, and no smiles or tears to avail myself of. And yet people tell me I am valuable here.

That's fine and dandy and all, but hello - I'm lonely over here. And I need love in my life. And I need to be connected to people. Otherwise, I'm stuck on a freight train heading towards self annihilation.

No worries that you said what you said, Pero. You have just as much right to vent and be heard as I do. I can relate to feeling invisible to your parents/father. I can relate to feeling like your family doesn't "get" you. I know that all too well.

And I can also say that you have blessings you can count - you've apparently had the experience of falling in love? Girlfriends? Good for you. How many of these have you had? You have friends that you enjoy being around? Do you love their company, and they love yours? Good for you. You are BLESSED to have these things.

I don't have these. Never had a romantic relationship, the closest thing I had lasted 6 weeks and he bailed because of how you described it - I felt inferior and inadequate. They all bail when they find out who I really am. Every single one of them. So I just have a ton of 1 night stands, and no relationships, and NO EXPERIENCE. And now I'm a 41 year old man with NO EXPERIENCE. Who the hell wants to be with THAT??

Count your blessings, is what I'm telling everyone else who complains about their disasters of relationships. Be grateful for the experiences you are able to have. Some people never get the chance; people like me walk through their entire lives watching everyone else get into the "game" of relationships, and with every passing year become more and more bitter watching from the sidelines, without a clue as to how to actually join that game.

Count your blessings, man. I know that love hurts. Relationships hurt. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. And for someone like myself, it sure would be nice to be able to speak from personal experience, rather than "living vicariously" through other people's lives.

This isn't living. I feel like a zombie feeding off the emotional lives of other people moving in and out of the relationships in their lives. I'm just a dead zombie.

"and to all - a .. night".

D



PS: I'll be signing up to volunteer as a big brother and working as an alateen sponsor and whatever capacity I can serve to start working with kids, because I have had prior experience doing so. In fact, in all of my life, working with kids has been the ONLY thing that has made me feel important and special and worthy. But as you all know - that is mostly a 1 sided relationship; the kids are in need and need love and support, and while I can give it, I don't get any love or support in return. So ... uh .... ok? But I'll do it anyway, because, really - **I LITERALLY HAVE NO ONE ELSE**.


Edited by Magellan (12/25/12 04:46 PM)
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#420091 - 12/25/12 05:19 PM Re: Totally messed up "Christmas" [Re: Magellan]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
No Magellan,
I feel a little bit the same, only the kids can see me in true light and with them I can be myself in full and whit easy.
Kids will give you needed love, that is for sure and it will do great for you!!!
It did to me!

PS. I'm having a lot of friends and I've had couple of relationships and I must say that doesn't help when I have bad day and when I've felt isolated and lonely. And for your information I've had just couple of girlfriends and nothing serious in intimate sense, I'm just capable to waste couple of years with someone and not to break my walls, lol
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#420093 - 12/25/12 05:24 PM Re: Totally messed up "Christmas" [Re: peroperic2009]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: peroperic2009

And for your information I've had just couple of girlfriends and nothing serious in intimate sense, I'm just capable to waste couple of years with someone and not to break my walls, lol


What I would give to just have *that*. Apparently you enjoyed each others company to spend that much time together.

_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#420098 - 12/25/12 06:47 PM Re: Totally messed up "Christmas" [Re: Magellan]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 935
Loc: southern California
Hey, Magellan,

I am alone on Christmas as well, but I'm fine with it since I accepted it years ago.

Magellan, your posts sound like symptoms of a survivor. Our hardest struggle as survivors is that the only thing that can save us is the very thing we've been robbed of: self-esteem, will power, and self-confidence. Brother, I know it well as I have lived the days you described, and it wouldn't take much for me to slip back into them.

I use the days following holidays to phone my favorite friends, or acquaintances I wish I knew better. 9 times out of 10 they toss out an open invitation to help them eat up holiday leftovers, to which I answer "I've got my calendar right here, tell me when!"

I get outdoors and take walks and converse with strangers I meet along the way, or I take myself out on a date. Yep, I dress the ol' boy up a bit and take me to dinner and a movie. I can be completely selfish without guilt that day, I know what kind of movie I like, and I don't talk during the movie and ruin it for myself.

These are the moments I discover and try new things. What surprised me most, is that somewhere in there I discovered I kind of like who I am. So much so, that I began to love myself by getting in better physical condition, self-educating, and challenging myself to move toward healthier thinking.

It hasn't been a cure-all, but it gives me some specific actions to take, which has made all the difference.

We can all tell you how likable you are and how much we appreciate you, but it will be nothing but white noise until you discover the part of you that can serve as your cornerstone to build upon.

My Christmas wish for you is that we may shine enough light on you that you can pull yourself out of the cellar and see yourself as an intricate and valuable architectural structure. Only you can get yourself there. Salvation is created and no one else can create it for us.

Your friend,
Keith
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#420100 - 12/25/12 06:57 PM Re: Totally messed up "Christmas" [Re: Magellan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
Thank you Keith. You've given me something to think about, and a nice boot to the butt as well (don't worry, I'm glad you did).

I've been lying in and out of bed for most of the day, and writing/reading here. Had an insight about "self centered fear" which I will write about in a new thread.

I wonder if I might have tripped over something in myself. It's w
worth meditating and praying on.

Thanks again Keith, and Pero.


D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#420103 - 12/25/12 07:10 PM * [Re: Magellan]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:35 PM)

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#420109 - 12/25/12 09:07 PM Re: Totally messed up "Christmas" [Re: Magellan]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 935
Loc: southern California
Magellan,

I'm sorry, I certainly didn't intend to do anything more than encourage you. Sometimes we need a boot to the butt, but the majority of the time we survivors need an arm around the shoulder, a hand outreached, or a friend to just "be around." We kick ourselves enough. We certainly don't need someone else to join in.

Bandage your wounded soul, your hurting spirit. Selfishness is the perfect gift a male survivor can give himself. It's the first and most important step we take, as it is necessary time and again for us to treat our wounds.

Remember, a scar is a sign of healing.
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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