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#419986 - 12/24/12 12:08 AM Emotional retard needs help
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Ive posted this on Male survivor, but I would like some advice from you guys too.

After nearly two years on this site and a lot of progress, I thought that things were well.
Now for the third time in two years my wife has asked me for a divorce again.
So what do I do? give up? Im not that sort of person, so again I start to examine my life and well, move into the spare room for now. Last night I lay in bed reading Mike Lews book, and I heard my daughter and wife laughing and joking in the other room.
IT HIT ME, I dont know how to relate to those closest to me, I cant seem to have a relationship with them.
I cant even relate to my daughter, they talk about things that I dont know about, it is like the world has moved on and I have been left behind. Why can I talk to people at work and not relate to my own kin. Why do others think I am great and my family thinks that I am an emotional retard.
I lay in bed and cried all night, I woke up at three in the morning and cried some more.
What the hell is it that I cannot connect to the ones that I love, I know that I love them, but just cant seem to connect?
How can I fix this?

Help Please.

Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#420002 - 12/24/12 05:18 AM Re: Emotional retard needs help [Re: whome]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
Martin I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Know that you are not an emotional retard. Marital bumps and breakdown happen all the time.

Before finding out about my husbands CSA I spent many, many hours on another site dedicated to marriage breakdown and reconciliation. Please PM me and I can give you some info from there.

As for relating to your wife and daughter, do you ask them questions about their lives, their hopes, their thoughts and opinions? Do you spend quiet time with them just being and enjoying their company? Do you go out and do fun things together and laugh together? These are things that make us feel wanted and valued as human beings and individuals. There is no time limit on when you can start to do them.

Think about what your wife said to you. Did she state any specific behaviors of yours that she has trouble with? If yes, can you begin now to make changes in them?

It is another painful road you find yourself on and it feels unfair I'm sure. Please do PM if you wish to carry on this conversation more privately. Or I can try to help you publicly if you wish. I will do the best that I can.

You have been a tremendous help to people here, always giving willing Guidance and support to all stripes. I want to pay some of that back to you if I can. I dont know your day to day life obviously. Over the past couple of years have you put much love and energy into you and your life and your family in a holistic way? You've been battling some huge demons; have you also taken time for you? For pleasure?

Hugs, Martin.

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#420004 - 12/24/12 08:00 AM Re: Emotional retard needs help [Re: whome]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Martin,

The key here may be in the training you have received. How did your parents teach you through their actions? How did they show you how to interact with your wife and your children? How to be approachable, vulnerable and when need be firm and determined?

How were you raised? Was it different than how you were trained to be at work, or in recovery in a group?

You may find that your training at work was with peers at an age that you could feel a camaraderie and mutual respect, but when you were raised, that feeling was muted or non existent. Too it could be that the abuse created a desperate need to separate you from those who loved you as you may have felt the abuse would stop if you were inaccessible.

This is another process Martin. You have been through many processes before, some heartbreaking, some intellectual. In every one of them, you learned something and were able to hold on to where you were in recovery or make progress. You survived and gained ground in recovery. Keep working through those processes.

No man is an island. If you feel you can, you may want to talk to your wife about your fears, listen to her tell you hers and then talk through how to minimize them in your lives.

Survivors have much mature healing from the abuse and surviving it, keep healing fellow survivor.
_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#420014 - 12/24/12 10:27 AM Re: Emotional retard needs help [Re: whome]
Dewey Offline
Member

Registered: 11/13/02
Posts: 138
Loc: the sunshine state
Yeah, those arranged marriages never work. See, if you had courted her before you were married then it might be different. But since you are only a taker and don't know how to give, then I'm sorry but you are doomed. Hmmm, I wonder if you could tell her that you wanted a divorce right before Christmas then go giggle with your daughter while she cries? Emotional retardation? I'm sure you don't know how to relate to loved ones, I can tell by the lack of concern that you have for others. It's a two way street, this relationship thing. It's called a marriage covenant because it gets hard sometimes. That's why we have witnesses at the ceremony. But hey, now it's very common to just throw in the "D" card and move on if you don't blow me kisses anymore. Just sayin'.......

praying for all of you-
Dewey
_________________________
I refuse to use my past as an excuse to not have a future.
My hero Dad; Trigger warning- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oi3Hyxuf5AE

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#420016 - 12/24/12 12:38 PM Re: Emotional retard needs help [Re: whome]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Hi Martin. I've only been here a short while but I have always been impressed you posts and the work you do for survivors. So because I know little about your situation then take the following with a grain of salt.

My impression on MS is that some survivors work really hard on recovery (good) and that is their only focus.(not so good) A healthy marriage takes a lot of work.(no direct experience but I have been doing a lot of reading and observation because I hope I can try after I improve some of my issues). How much work have you been able to put into your marriage/family?

But also what about her? She has to also be willing to make it work. You might want to explain to her that you have been so focused on yourself that you haven't given her the attention she deserves. Tell her that you love her and you want her to help you make it work. While you may have to do more its not just you that has to try.

Don't worry too much about your relationship with your daughter. Work on it but don't expect to ever get the same relationship as your wife and daughter have. If it happens great but consider that a long term goal.

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#420017 - 12/24/12 12:48 PM Re: Emotional retard needs help [Re: whome]
GentleSoul Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 236
Loc: Manhattan
Martin,

I'm sorry for all the pain you're feeling. But northernflicker is right. You are not an emotional retard. I too have issues with intimacy. However, I do admire you reaching out for help and baring your soul. It's very inspiring.

Jay
_________________________
I can finally admit I pretend to say and do nice things so people will think I'm a standout guy.

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#420036 - 12/24/12 08:09 PM Re: Emotional retard needs help [Re: whome]
RunningOnEmpty Offline


Registered: 10/07/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia
You aren't an emotional retard. I'm sure you are feeling a multitude of feelings right now- confusion/lonely/left out/unloved--etc? If you are able to feel your feelings then you are making progress. Please don't discount the hard work you have done. Your marriage isn't necessarily the measuring stick of your emotional/mental health.
Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling- those are your feelings- and they are real.

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#420090 - 12/25/12 04:57 PM Re: Emotional retard needs help [Re: whome]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Thanks all that responded

I have gotten a diverse and balanced response it seems.

I read John Gottmans book on the 7 principals that make a marriage work, and well i got some pretty good insights.

I know nothing about my wife and daughter, their hopes and dreams what they love and what they love to do. For so many years it has always been about me, my pain and now, My healing. All that my wife has been waiting for is for me to get better and for things to change, and needless to say that has not happened yet.
I am going to work through the 7 principles and use them, (O boy another 7 steps) but in my brief perusal of the book I have liked what it says.
I have tried to work through fireproof, but it didnt make sense to me, but this book is going to force me to communicate with her and learn things about her.

Again thanks for responding all, I wish I could make her see in me what a lot of you said on this forum, but this will take some work, deep down I know that I am now a good man.

Thanks
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#420110 - 12/25/12 09:12 PM Re: Emotional retard needs help [Re: whome]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
I'm so happy you have found some positive direction. I wish you and your family the best for 2013. You are a generous soul, Martin, and you deserve all the love and joy the universe has to offer.

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#420479 - 12/30/12 05:18 PM Re: Emotional retard needs help [Re: whome]
lucylives Offline


Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 363
Martin, superficial relationships like those at work are easy. It is the emotional intimacy in the relationships close to us that is difficult. That is where we need to risk, with those closest to us.
My husband is the same way....great on a superficial, casual relationship basis but when it comes to taking off the mask and showing his most vulnerable side, he falls short.

I hate that and pray it gets better.

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