I do everything i can to stop sexual act-outs.
I have no dad, and yet he is downstairsx singing.
The holidays ,wow. It 's very nice that i see more smiles.
My buddy Tyler and i went to a flick last night "Hotel in
Translvania". I like movies that i could just allow the thoughts to come thru and continue and i can ask and wonder
"sht, that came in ,what am i feeling- i hope my dad and family cant hear me hear , watching this movie. Can a fart , right now? Why do i like coming here? What am i gonna do tomorrow? What if i watch gay porn when i go over? What am i gonna do? Damn i can use a hug right now! Oh laughter
in the theatre. Man this is cool. I am with Tyler. What sucks is he doesnt know i watch gay porn. What would he think?
ah, be careful Goran. You gotta make sure noone can hear your
(my) thoughts. AA was cool last week . Maybe i should go volunteer. Oh that was funny. Damn i wish i could rewind that scene. I wish i could see my therapist. I liked it i told him how i make up stuff in my brain. And that i wondered
if other people do...b/c i said if i always make up stuff and
know when abuse happened and ,,why-ugh. Why did this happen?
Why is my brain so much , heaviness? I would love to swim
right now. Stupid injuries. Why can't i scream? Would it be so bad/ Ah,yah! You will fuck it all up! Dont! Wait till you
drop off Tyler! Okay focus now. People are watching the movie not me. SO QUIT BEING SO ANXIOUS! YOU STUPID FUCK!
Dont call me stupid ,fucking assholes! I hope my dad dies.
My therapist says " i hope not" . Fuck you!!! You are in
Toronto. And you will retire in 18 months... fucking mom and
dad dont want to sell their house till spring. Yippee itty doo
da! So now refocus what is bugging you?
Ah, everytime i go to the Tim Hortons with my folks ..i use to flirt with a couple different chicks and now i turned it
off! Y? Y, b/c i dont know if they will like what i have to
say> You have to listen . You have to listen. Frankly i am
fucking tired of lissssening. I flirt and flirt and now
they flirt and i shut off! And i know now the main reason
why i never ever dated is b/c i have a small weewee.:)
Yeah, boohoo! Fuck the professionals. I went on a small penis syndrome support group. One chick writes in "hey guys
wake up! NO girl is going to sleep with you! BITCH! I hope she trips, falls and
chips a tooth.
Yeah, me lonely....my folks tell me on the phone they are invited to visit their neighbour. So green lights say watch porn with volume.
And so i feel i failed me. I want a woman. But i am so confused i think b/c i
feel like a chick inside. It's gross - oh sorry for me..i dont want to hurt anybody.
I have nothing wrong with crossdressers. It is just i am fragile and the therapy
has hit a point where i need more friends. Winnipeg sucks!!!
I want to move ... b ye bye
Merry Xmas. Dont drink and drive. I am soooo bored and lonely . I have
to go work security for 12 hours ..and 2 weeks straight. There is nobody there.
I hate it that i am told i am goodlooking. That is not 100% true.
But i was always told "you should have been a girl. " i hate my fucking brother.
This is not my family. You guys are!
I could really kill my dad. BUT! I use the weights. And i have a vigin
punching bag in my apaHrment. qui qui! Y'know i wish i knew like a hundred
languages. And the i will fuck up my folks and their culture by mixing all the
words. B/c i have every right! I am a cool guy! i love myself. And it
is so hard,to.. i got find some drums. I think drums would help.
I like to learn the banjo to. I like Celtic tunes.
I once wanted to play the Cello , but to dperessing for me. But i feel lkie if
i went to see a Cellist play i would be like " can i try"?
Hey.... so wats up with everyone?
okay ..play time is over mi gotta to go to VRK!!!
xo
Goran

Hey Goran, it is goooood to see you after a while buddy
Welcome back to family, lol
I'm glad to know that you went to cinema with your friend.
I hope you'll manage to find more friends, we all need it as many as possible.
I've been also often challenged about watching porn unfortunately when I've felt lonely and down I can't avoid it sometimes, it is like some coping mechanism, I escape to fantasy world to forget for short on my reality. But it is good that at least I can recognize when I'm feeling like I could do it so I can do something else or went out to avoid it. Even if I'm not always successful I'm trying not to be too hard on myself, yes I'm fragile, I'm doing wrong things sometimes but I'll try to stay positive for next round of challenges.
Happy holidays my friend!
Take care for yourself!
Here is my hug for you
(((Goran)))

thankyou! i love you.

and thanks to all who have helped me.
xo
Goran