I don't feel like a man. I have a hard time using the word. Last week I realized that in most of my sexual fantasies I am the girl. I hate it. I hate that I want to be treated like an object, that I get aroused at the thought of being used. I am addicted to sex , and I don't know how to stop. I am tired of hearing that masturbation is healthy, because I have no clue what healthy looks like. Porn isn't a real addiction? Bullshit. Why do I crave it like heroine? It disgusts me. I am riddled with sexual dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and I have a skin condition on my penis that does not have a cure. All of this shame is centered on my genitals.

I don't know what to do anymore. How to move forward. I see people in relationships and it hurts so much. It feels so inaccessible. I come with baggage, a warning label that reads "train wreck ahead". Who is going to want to be with someone who has all these issues? I feel broken beyond repair. I try to hide the despair in hopes that I will pretend myself all better. My gender is broken, my sexuality is broken. I feel empty.

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I wanted to respond to your post yesterday but did not have time.

This is some of the deepest type of confusion and pain. Sexual compulsion that seams to take away our right to just be and experance life and who we were ment to be.

Not Shure that we can ever get back the innocents, but we can get better. A lot better.

The addiction is something that can be overcome with some understanding, tools and support,
and the willingness to give your self forgivness. I am about 95% free of my addiction. Keeping the 5% so I don't kid myself. Point is it dose not rule my life like it once did. Took a long time for me but my biggest problem now is trusting others enught to get the help I need in working through my csa and other trauma.

You may be able to do it in another order then I but the addiction was a medication I used to escape the pain of my Trauma,Shame,Self Loathing, Fried Sexual Wiring and every day pain.

Learning to manage the addiction to the point of being able to say no and walk away is like a night and day difrence. It is doable.

You said "Why do I crave it like heroine? It disgusts me."

The heroine like high allowed me to escape into my degrading fanticy that was for me a continuation of my abuse. I was some how trying to compleat what my perp started or something. Deep emasculation and humiliation. This was destined to destroy my male idenity, sexual orientation aside. It disgust me as well. I was, in my addiction, becoming my own abuser. I hated my self for that. It was all part of the addiction cycle. The humiliation and shame would become too much and I would eventually be triggered or even Triger myself to start the abuse cycle all over again.

The Trama and the first real heroine type high of my addiction happen that night over thirty five year ago. It can get a lot lot better.

Sorry to hear about the skin condition.

I had to learn to care about me, even to the point of caring about the realy broken me.

Thanks for being so honest, it helped me take a step forward.
Check out EMDR I am looking into this for myself. I think it may help a lot.

Never give up, it gets a lot better,
Mike

It's all part of the trauma and a mind game we play on ourselves I think. For me my fantasies go the direction of having dominance over men that are bigger and older than me. However in real life I get very nervous and defensive when I am around other guys. Part of me is terrified that I will be hurt and part of me is expecting something to happen and wishing it to happen I know that what I want is to start a fight to see if I can punch their face in. (and the strange thing is that i do not trust either men or women) I think part of me wishes that I had fought back or ashamed that did not fight back when it was done to me even though I was to young to fully understand right from wrong. Sorry I'm not a big comfort like some of the guys here but know that you are not alone and that there are a lot of of us that feel a little loony in the head from time to time.

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