I am so upset right now. I attempted suicide yesterday, they let me out as long as I'm not alone for a few weeks, and go to therapy extra. I am considering a day program thing at a local mental health special place. I just don't know what to do or think anymore. I have hurt my friend so bad, but all these new memories, all these flashbacks and hallucinations, I just need it all to end, all this pain. I saw psychiatrist the other day, and he put me on some new meds that will hopefully help. But I am so scared, and hate myself so much for hurting my friend, and all these memories. Why do I have to remember all this, and why do I have to hurt people? Why can't I handle this? Why am I so weak? Why doesn't anyone really care about me? Why am I so useless? Why am I such an evil jackass? wwhyy wwhy why? ii'mm sstaaertinmg tto paanicc, soo iitthinkkk ii'lll eerend tthiis nnooow, sssoorry

sccott

I am so sorry you are feeling this way.

You are doing the right thing seeing therapists/physchiatrist more freqently and trying new meds. Hopefully they will kick in very soon for you.

I've been very close to where you're at now. You've probably heard this before and maybe doubted it but there really is some light around the next corner.

You experienced with and have struggled with a lot of horrible experiences over a long period of time to get where you are at today. It is only reasonable to think that the healing will take time too.

I have therapy every week and still want it in between.

Hang in there. I hear you, am thinking about you and want you to feel better soon.

Brett

Scott
I don't see a 'weak' man when I read your posts, I see someone who's using every scrap of strength they have to heal themselves.
Sometimes we have to use all our strength, and it seema as though theres no more left, but there always is.

And you can share our strength as well, which you do anyway.
Yoday you can a bit that I've got spare.

Take care Scott.

Dave

i agree with Dave - you are strong - you are pusruing your health - this is realy positive -

you are able and brave -

Scot,

You are brave, you are valued, you are loved.

I am thinking of you, my brother. I'm with you.

Be well.

Love and peace,

Scot

Scott,

I feel terrible that it has gotten that bad for you. Take care of yourself. I hope that the new regime works for you; if not, get right back to the pdoc. Never give up trying.

Why do you have to remember all this, because it is all a part of your life. It is affecting your actions and decissions you make on a daily basis. By remembering it, you can learn what you feel about it. By understanding your feelings about it, you can understand how it affects your life. By understanding how it affects your life, you can learn to make your decissions and perform your actions based upon what you really want, not upon the bad experience you had to suffer through.

I don't see a weak person in you, I see a person that is fighting hard and is overcome with emotions and memories he didn't know he had. The fight will become easier. As you address these memories and emotions one by one. Each time you get past one of them, that's one less weighing upon your mind.

I care about you. I see a lot of guys here that care about you. I don't think that you are useless. You have provided great input to help some of our brothers, me included, through some tough times. I also see that the last few days, you didn't care about you nor see the great asset you are, because you have been overrun by the pain, anger, and depression. In that position, it is hard to see those that do care about you and the good within yourself. I know, I've been there.

Evil jackass? Where did that one come from. I tried to picture an evil jackass, and you never came up in any of the tries. I cannot even force myself to see you in that role. I know that you have hurt your friend and you feel bad about this. This doesn't make you evil or does it make you a jackass. What you are is a fellow human being, a man. None of us are perfect, but we must strive to do the best we can. And along the way, we will make mistakes, heck we aren't perfect - remember. And unfortunately, some of our mistakes hurt others, some hurt ourselves, some destroy things, and/or some seem to mean little.

Take care my brother, and remember you are somebody strong and useful
Bill

I hope the meds help and the therapist.

I also hope you see more positive thoughts.

I think I need that to at times.

I hope you feel soon.

MJ

You are worth it
just like the rest of us here


MJ