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#41980 - 12/05/03 12:23 PM Why?
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
I am so upset right now. I attempted suicide yesterday, they let me out as long as I'm not alone for a few weeks, and go to therapy extra. I am considering a day program thing at a local mental health special place. I just don't know what to do or think anymore. I have hurt my friend so bad, but all these new memories, all these flashbacks and hallucinations, I just need it all to end, all this pain. I saw psychiatrist the other day, and he put me on some new meds that will hopefully help. But I am so scared, and hate myself so much for hurting my friend, and all these memories. Why do I have to remember all this, and why do I have to hurt people? Why can't I handle this? Why am I so weak? Why doesn't anyone really care about me? Why am I so useless? Why am I such an evil jackass? wwhyy wwhy why? ii'mm sstaaertinmg tto paanicc, soo iitthinkkk ii'lll eerend tthiis nnooow, sssoorry

sccott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#41981 - 12/05/03 12:49 PM Re: Why?
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
I am so sorry you are feeling this way.

You are doing the right thing seeing therapists/physchiatrist more freqently and trying new meds. Hopefully they will kick in very soon for you.

I've been very close to where you're at now. You've probably heard this before and maybe doubted it but there really is some light around the next corner.

You experienced with and have struggled with a lot of horrible experiences over a long period of time to get where you are at today. It is only reasonable to think that the healing will take time too.

I have therapy every week and still want it in between.

Hang in there. I hear you, am thinking about you and want you to feel better soon.

Brett

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#41982 - 12/05/03 01:13 PM Re: Why?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Scott
I don't see a 'weak' man when I read your posts, I see someone who's using every scrap of strength they have to heal themselves.
Sometimes we have to use all our strength, and it seema as though theres no more left, but there always is.

And you can share our strength as well, which you do anyway.
Yoday you can a bit that I've got spare.

Take care Scott.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#41983 - 12/05/03 01:22 PM Re: Why?
duncan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/29/03
Posts: 36
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
i agree with Dave - you are strong - you are pusruing your health - this is realy positive -

you are able and brave -

_________________________
duncan

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#41984 - 12/05/03 05:58 PM Re: Why?
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Scot,

You are brave, you are valued, you are loved.

I am thinking of you, my brother. I'm with you.

Be well.

Love and peace,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#41985 - 12/05/03 09:26 PM Re: Why?
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Scott,

I feel terrible that it has gotten that bad for you. Take care of yourself. I hope that the new regime works for you; if not, get right back to the pdoc. Never give up trying.

Why do you have to remember all this, because it is all a part of your life. It is affecting your actions and decissions you make on a daily basis. By remembering it, you can learn what you feel about it. By understanding your feelings about it, you can understand how it affects your life. By understanding how it affects your life, you can learn to make your decissions and perform your actions based upon what you really want, not upon the bad experience you had to suffer through.

I don't see a weak person in you, I see a person that is fighting hard and is overcome with emotions and memories he didn't know he had. The fight will become easier. As you address these memories and emotions one by one. Each time you get past one of them, that's one less weighing upon your mind.

I care about you. I see a lot of guys here that care about you. I don't think that you are useless. You have provided great input to help some of our brothers, me included, through some tough times. I also see that the last few days, you didn't care about you nor see the great asset you are, because you have been overrun by the pain, anger, and depression. In that position, it is hard to see those that do care about you and the good within yourself. I know, I've been there.

Evil jackass? Where did that one come from. I tried to picture an evil jackass, and you never came up in any of the tries. I cannot even force myself to see you in that role. I know that you have hurt your friend and you feel bad about this. This doesn't make you evil or does it make you a jackass. What you are is a fellow human being, a man. None of us are perfect, but we must strive to do the best we can. And along the way, we will make mistakes, heck we aren't perfect - remember. And unfortunately, some of our mistakes hurt others, some hurt ourselves, some destroy things, and/or some seem to mean little.

Take care my brother, and remember you are somebody strong and useful
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#41986 - 12/06/03 07:17 PM Re: Why?
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I hope the meds help and the therapist.

I also hope you see more positive thoughts.

I think I need that to at times.

I hope you feel soon.

MJ

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#41987 - 12/06/03 07:18 PM Re: Why?
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
You are worth it
just like the rest of us here


MJ

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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