Christmas at my house is a huge gathering, all my kids come home and many bring significant others. I'm generally very happy at this time, but my feelings can be ambivilant. I have no contact with my family of oregin, and its further complicated by putting on the act of a 'happily married" couple, when we're not. Its a painful pretense to have to make. Also listening to my oldest children, who saw me drunk and crazy when they were young, tell stories about my misadventures back then. I'm glad they can laugh about it now, but its a bitter reminder that I wasn't there for them in the same way I am for my younger kids who only know me as sober and stable. All reminders of my failure as a man, husband and father.
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."Pink Floyd