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#419757 - 12/21/12 11:40 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
frankie72 Offline

Registered: 11/23/12
Posts: 32
Loc: Australia
I have few memories of my childhood prior to or during my CSA. Mostly that I was passive, well behaved, intelligent, though still a bit of a loner.

Once the CSA started when I was around 12-13, I just tried to remove myself from everything. I avoided getting close to people, drank excessively, turned to drugs, fins somewhere to hide and cut myself with whatever I could find. Looking back I remember I thought I knew exactly the type of person I was, analysing every little thing about myself, though in reality I think I was just trying to hide myself from the turth.

The more I acted out, the worse things became. I was shipped off to boarding school, isolated from friends and family, and just managed to withdraw further and fend for myself, and learnt not to get attached.

Nowadays though, I'm pretty much dead inside. And on the rare off chance I trust someone enough to let them in, I become an emotional wreck. I might get a brief period of happiness, then it just turns into a mass of anxiety about being abandoned or rejected. I end up thinking the worst case scenario, because having any hope just makes things worse if it doesn't happen. And sometimes I get to the point where I just want to kill myself so I don't have to deal with the emotional swings and confusion. I guess I still manage to maintain a slight amount of rationailty that stops me from going through with it, but it is something a fantises about during those periods.

I'm just so used to that anger I developed during my CSA to protect me from those emotions. I have never forgotten what happened, or denied myself of realising what I faced, though I am afraid if I look further back than that time, I'll feel even more broken for realising what life was like before hand, and all those hopes and dreams of a child that were corrupted and destroyed.

#419832 - 12/22/12 03:39 AM . [Re: SoccerStar]
Life's A Dream Offline

Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island

Edited by Life's A Dream (01/12/13 09:24 PM)

#419838 - 12/22/12 09:31 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1048

I have no memory or being before my abuse. It is the core of who I am.

From 5 or 6, I have been split between the outward functioning part of me (minus my sexuality and emotions); a secondary self where my abuse sexuality is stuck on a perpetual tape-loop repeat; and a 3rd part where all my negative emotions are hiding.

That's who I am. There is no pre-abuse me.

Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

#419849 - 12/22/12 02:08 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
cosmos Offline

Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 190
Loc: Puget Sound
Cant this is an intense topic for myself as well, 0 memories of anything prior to my abuse, so the question becomes who am I? So I look at who I was before I remembered, during my denial, yes I was living with 40 years of PTSD but who am I? I think that the core of who you are canít be changed; yes your behaviors are different, think triggers etc. but who you are never changes. Iím not the first to postulate that in cases like yours and mine where there is nothing prior to the abuse itís easier because there is no dichotomy in our psyches just a broken mind trying to find safety from the internal storm. No disparity of perception of reality to whatís in your mind; everything is fearful, no one to trust, you have to look inward for everything, no one is going to help you, your all alone, and you feel your drowning, drowning in fear. Listening to the heartbreaking reality of those here that recount before and after, listen to what they say, itís not that theyíre different but that theyíre re-actions are different, inside their still these great kids with hopes and dreams; just that after exposure to hell on earth how can you act like nothing happened, how can you just move on from such horrific treatment from others? They now know the cold hard reality of life that has always been our reality, no one cares, youíre all alone, youíre not worth the time of day let alone a real life. I think at a certain point you know that everything youíve done up to a point is a lie, but is it? Thatís the hard part for me right now, bringing together the life of bs I put together outside this denied reality of mine, and realizing that Iím still the same person, even with dealing with this shit every waking second. I know that if I wasnít abused I wouldnít be where Iím at, I wouldnít be married to a wonderful lady, and have 2 great sons, not sure where Iíd be, but understand me, I would be so very different in my behaviors, both of my parents were not only 1000% self-absorbed but also very reprehensible people, I donít want to fathom that, its why intellectually Iíd have 0 problem having never been abused, but I could never give up the love I know. Its why there has to a God, how else can you explain my life?

"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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