WHHHHEEEEReeeeeeeEEEEEAAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAA MORE ROLLERCOASTERRRRRRRR
So I had the serious talk with my wife last night.
I started full off by saying I wanted to talk about "this new issue that's come up" and about "what happened Saturday night."
ME: "What happened Saturday night between us was extremely hurtful to me. It was devastating to me [yes I used that word]. But I've accepted your apologies and there were some very important things you brought up that it's fair to talk about. You said you feel like you can't talk to anybody not even to me because I'm so uncomfortable with it. And also it made you feel bad with that going on when I got all shaved and in nice clothes and shoes to give my parents an Oprah talk about treatment and also allowing them to ask me physical questions. [As I mentioned they did NOT ask physical questions and I now consider that window closed forever, they had the one chance period].
So here's the problem: you found out too soon, before I was ready to tell you, like 3 weeks after I'd figured it out at all and 15 days after I fainted in my shrinks office just by saying it. When you found my pills I was still so fucked up I just showed you a story like child porn and then when I could talk all I could do was freak out more about more physical attack details. And that's all you got, and I really can't stand talking about it and if I ever get taken by surprise hearing about it I get mad, I know. And I've been edgy precisely because I dont know if you're going to bring it up again or when. But I really was going to tell you, once it became so real I had to deal with it I'd have told you but I'd have told you the good way - like what you saw. You saw how I can say it when I'm ready, when I've prepped and practiced. I've practiced for this [true].
So instead of you only having gross awful shit I can't talk about, I'm okay talking about what things like this make you feel. When something like this happens it's the worst thing that ever happened to you and it changes how you feel. I had to remember how I felt right during and right right after, a minute or two after, and it was awful. You are confused and terrified. It takes away your identity - and I had to have those feelings bleed back in as a grown man. It tells you everything you ever thought about yourself was a lie, that everything my parents ever told their 8-year-old was a lie. I wasn't bright, if I was bright I'd have figured a way out. I wasn't handsome, nobody would do that to someone handsome. I wasn't special, same reason. I wasn't even good, because when something like that happens you feel so disgusting that everybody else is going to just look at you and puke. You don't even feel like a person anymore, what's a person if someone else can do anything they want to you? You just get used like a thing and whatever you are just can't be important.
[I touched her arms and shoulders, and her blanket and pillow]
The first thing every baby learns at birth is light vs dark. The second thing is myself vs other things. It's so basic and every other thought grows after it. You know where your arm ends and this blanket begins, you know where your face ends and the air begins. If this blanket suddenly came to life and stabbed right through your arm and poked out the other side and stayed there, that'd be pretty serious emotional fuckup. It wouldn't just hurt, it would be HOW DID THAT HAPPEN and WHAT HAPPENED TO ME and WHAT'S NEXT? You dont feel like you have any control or safety.
Now I had to remember feeling that way as a grown man while I was in the middle of doing things that were still "me" and still important - you, kids, job, etc. So sometimes I'd feel that way, sometimes I'd just remember feeling that way. Having an adult life that contradicted the childhood feelings I suddenly got made it kinda better and kinda worse, because you can see it's not true, but that's not how feelings work, not all the time. Therapy helps, pills help. I do have a support structure like you said, but like I said, I don't like having to talk about this with a therapist and I don't like taking pills.
I think I've gotten way better in just 2 months of trying to deal with this. I'm certainly better than I used to be - right? ["In some ways" - we'll get to her answers in a sec]. But I don't want you to feel like this is something we can't talk about if you're concerned about it, it always affects the spouses too, and there isn't any wall between us that you can't talk through. I dont want you to feel like I'm a different person, because all of these things had happened to me and I'd known of the movie pictures of myself I could look at from far away, I had those when we first met and when [listed like 5 really special times from before this fall -first date, wedding, births, etc].
You are way more important to me than my parents and you can talk to me about thus stuff. It's just much much better to talk the way I talked when I'd practiced: how are you feeling? Are you feeling better? Is it in your mind right now? Is there any way I can help? Stuff like that. I really dont like talking about the physical stuff with anybody, but you can ask about that too. But if you do ask please dont make it sudden. Give me some warning. Say you want to ask me a physical stuff question later, it could be 10 minutes and I'll say okay go, but you can't surprise me with it."
[obviously interspersed a billion I love yous, you're so specials, I trust you with this, etc]
HER: "Why do you need warning time?"
ME: "Because it's disgusting and it was physically very painful and it makes you feel bad if bad memories like that get pulled up suddenly or if I'm antsy thinking they might be because you're going to ask suddenly. I need to calm myself down and be able to talk clinically. I can't have anything in my mouth, can't be eating or drinking or chewing gum or even be thinking about those things at the time."
HER: "Well is there any other physical stuff I dont know about?"
ME: "I dont think so" [awkward, I was so openhearted I just didn't have it in me to recite the whole butchers bill to her one last time to make sure, hopefully not a missed opportunity someday]
HER: "I just don't want to feel like there are any secrets being kept from me about things we have to deal with, even if they're being kept for what seems like a better time. It's never a better time, I need to know things right away, it's who I am.
HER: "You have gotten better in some ways but I really do feel line you're not always 'here', like you're dazed and slow to respond or pick up on things. It's been a real noticeable change since before, I'm sorry. Other things are way better but that's still there."
ME: "I know, it's something I'm trying with. It's hard because you have to make yourself think of something less, and how do you do that? Like, 'don't think of an elephant'. But I'm trying."
HER: "I really feel like you over sanitized the story to your parents, that in a way you were lying to them to get a happy interaction. When you first told me you had a lot of anger."
ME: "Those bad feelings I said make you feel worthless and ugly. What I needed to know was that even after that happening to their only son, my parents would still love me. I knew they did, but I needed to KNOW-know, I needed them to come out and say it, I needed proof. I'm not angry at them, it's the exact opposite."
HER: "But your sister? You said you were so angry at her you still curse her out with your therapist."
ME: "Yes, and was she there, did I tell her, am I going to tell her? No. I am still angry at her. That's why I won't tell her, I can already see how it would blow up. Even before I'd remembered, I was creeped out by how she defended [her ex-boyfriend the serial child rapist]. She was a fucking idiot infatuated 15-year-old girl and she's still never gotten over her first crush. She's still all like 'He never did it and he was molested as a kid which is why he did it' [FOR ABSOLUTELY SERIOUS]. And it was because I was trying to protect everyone else from bad feelings when they'd cried over him so much, that I didn't tell. And even though I'd only remembered it as an unfeeling movie showing me but not being me, I at some level knew it was me and was a bad thing and probably would have told anyway if he hadn't done what he did to get my whole family so upset. So yeah, there won't be the Oprah talk with my sister, there will be no talk of thus ever because it would get real bad."
HER: [an hour later, after the talk was over and we'd been talking about other stuff] "Thanks for saying all that before, for explaining. You really didn't have to but it felt good to know you'd talk with me about it."
ME: "You're worth it."
Would like to say we then tenderly made love or spent the night holding hands and reaffirming each other or watched a funny movie at least, but no, it was late and we were both exhausted. We went into the kids rooms and kissed them in their sleep, watched some trash on E! And I took my damn sleeping pill again, though it's a new one now - the psych thinks it might be a better match, less habit forming, and he has a plan to get me off them altogether by spring. I was so happy to hear that, this guy is an expert and if he believes this kind of progress is possible then I'll cling to that.
There is NO FURTHER DRAMA ALLOWED. The rollercoaster is OUT OF CIRCULATION and anyone wanting another ride will have to settle for the Hall of Presidents or something, where people you recognize talk in ways you recognize. If there is any further drama I will personally sue the rollercoaster operator for reckless driving and emotional damages and demand a full refund!
Edited by SoccerStar (12/20/12 09:16 AM)
"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny