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#418824 - 12/11/12 03:41 PM Inhibited orgasm
Jon1766 Offline

Registered: 07/09/06
Posts: 6

I'm feeling nervous because this is my first post on the forums though I've attended a Male Survivor conference before. Hope I don't violate any rules or norms.

Recently I've recognized that I have experienced inhibited orgasm when it comes to intercourse with my wife for several years, and I'm looking for validation from others who also experience this.

I've started working on it in therapy but feel like I haven't gotten to the heart of my emotions about it yet. I can feel that it relates to abuse I experienced with women, usually in a group, and I've started to try to piece it together. Today I read a forum post about inhibited male orgasm and it made sense to me, it fit with my experience.

My wife and I have struggled through sexuality for years, as we're both childhood sexual abuse survivors with both male and female perpetrators. This year we're finally in a place to have more positive sexual experiences more regularly, yet I feel stuck in terms of enjoying intercourse fully. I've even gone to a urologist and tried viagra and sertraline, which helped keep my erection going, but I still haven't been able to ejaculate most of the time with intercourse, though I can almost always with manual stimulation or self-stimulation.

This is particularly poignant now because we want to have kids, we're "trying" to have kids. For a while I thought performance pressure was the main issue, but now I feel like it is more triggering, dealing with pockets of pain that haven't healed yet. I've done many years of therapy and dealt with many things, and yet now I have to deal with this.

Thanks for reading this, whoever read it (-;. I appreciate any validation of my experience or others who have struggled similarly.


#418852 - 12/11/12 09:31 PM Re: Inhibited orgasm [Re: Jon1766]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Hey Jon,

Is that true: you registered here on MS in 2006 and today is your first post?

Welcome to posting!

I'm sorry you have struggled sexually-I know how that is-this is part of reclaiming healthy sexuality. I've had to focus my sexuality on my partner (that means no porn, no MB). The more I focus my attention and sexual energy towards her, the more intense and connected and joyful I feel.

My experience is that when I practice "solo-sex" (i.e. I am sexual alone without my partner) that it is harder to connect and be fully present when we are sexual together.

Sounds like you have worked through a lot in therapy: so don't be too hard on yourself. Keep moving thru.
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#418853 - 12/11/12 09:41 PM Re: Inhibited orgasm [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Jon1766 Offline

Registered: 07/09/06
Posts: 6
Thanks Mountainous,

Yes, wow, I didn't remember it had been so long since I first learned about MaleSurvivor.

I'm also working on focusing my sexual energy towards my spouse. Sometimes it feels like the timing couldn't be worse - most of the time when I'm interested, she isn't interested, and then when she's interested, it is usually late and I'm tired. I suppose anybody can have trouble with timing...

#418883 - 12/12/12 06:29 AM Re: Inhibited orgasm [Re: Jon1766]
Farmer Boy Offline

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Hey Jon

I am so glad you brought this up. I have been trying to build up the courage to ask a similar question.

First I noticed that you had taken sertraline which is an SSRI.

Originally Posted By: Wikipedia
67% of men on sertraline experienced ejaculation difficulties vs. 18% before the treatment

Inhibited orgasm as you put it is a common side effect of this type of antidepressant.

I am taking a different antidepressant for about 6 weeks but I am experiencing more difficulty in ejaculating (though I still can)

I have ED as well and Viagra works for me but I get bad side effects from it so now I use injections (gross hey).

My ED is related to the CSA and I am seeing a T to try to work through this and get mind to stop screwing things up for me. (pun intended)

Like you I am ok on manual mode.

I have been married for 12 1/2 years and our sex life has always been a struggle so I feel your pain there.

Like Buck I have been trying real hard to 'keep myself' for my wife. This has helped with my feeling of connectedness and to be blunt most of the time I am so horny (because there has been no other outlet) that it is easier for me to climax. Even with the SSRI's reducing my sex drive.

It is not fair that we (us and our wives) still have to suffer the consequences of the childhood sexual abuse that was done to us.

You REALLY are not alone in this and thanks for having the balls to talk about it.

More than meets the eye!

#418886 - 12/12/12 07:14 AM Re: Inhibited orgasm [Re: Farmer Boy]
Jon1766 Offline

Registered: 07/09/06
Posts: 6
Thanks Farmer Boy, it is helpful to know that you're going through similar problems. Yeah, I also feel that the main challenge for me in keeping it up right now is feelings / body flashbacks to childhood abuse with women. It is strange for me because my brain isn't processing this abuse the same way that it processed a lot of other abuse that I've worked through in therapy before. I find that it is mostly right before we actually get it on, or during, or right after, that feelings and body reactions are coming up, and it is difficult to honor and work through what I'm feeling, because I intensely want enjoyable intercourse and to conceive. It is hard to accept, I'd rather deal with it as talking through it in therapy, or at some other time, but so far the time when the feelings and body memories are accessible is when I'm getting busy mad

Anyway, thanks for responding.

#418909 - 12/12/12 10:23 AM Re: Inhibited orgasm [Re: Jon1766]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
Hi Jon and others:
I've seen a lot of difficulty in survivors' ability to ejaculate. I think it comes down to keeping in control.

When a person is abused, particularly before puberty or post-puberty in early adolescence, the experience is confusing and sometimes pleasurable. The pre-adolescent, unable to ejaculate, can experience pleasure and even have a dry orgasm. Sex, with another person, can be an intense feeling and the orgasm is a loss of control (your body is undergoing a strange and intense experience that, once the orgasm begins, you don't have control over it.)

If the abuser is male, and the victim is a young adolescent, the experience is perhaps seen as homosexual or something that should not be done. If the abuser is female, maybe it is something that could/should be seen as positive experience (at least from the "lucky guy" perspective.) However, it still represents a loss of control over the process. The boy may have engaged in masturbation (at least that is under his control) but the act with an older female likely involves another person's direction and control.

Where this comes into play is that the survivor, now an adult in a relationship with another adult, has to share the sexual experience with the partner and may emotionally feel like the control is now out of his hands (literally). Masturbation doesn't involve another person's feelings or needs. It can feel threatening to the survivor at a psychological level in that he no longer has complete control. This is often why porn and masturbation as a solo act is comforting for many, rather than to please a partner (or whatever baggage he has acquired over the years.)

You know that your partner is not abusing you but the feelings are, in many cases, scary and threatening to lose control. The erection of an abused boy betrays the sense of reluctance to engage in the sex act. The boy may attempt to keep some degree of control by withholding the orgasm and ejaculation.

I would explore the possible link with control and ejaculation (or erection/orgasm/ejaculation) connection with your therapist.
Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#419372 - 12/17/12 11:49 AM Re: Inhibited orgasm [Re: Jon1766]
Jon1766 Offline

Registered: 07/09/06
Posts: 6
I feel very angry right now at the men and women that chose to abuse me rather than deal with their own shit.

I would really like to have positive connected experiences with intercourse. For 30 years the abuse that they foisted on me has blocked me from connecting my own positive feelings with the lower half of women's bodies. I'm not sure how I'm going to work out this anger, for now I'm taking the time to feel it when I'd rather be doing fun things for the holidays.

#419662 - 12/20/12 04:30 PM Re: Inhibited orgasm [Re: Jon1766]
1lifenow Offline

Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 419
Loc: west coast
i agree with all the above excellent advice and viewpoints. far be it from me to judge or question someone's reality. Given that Jon, i look at the subtext and see you have posted it this section on sexual identity.

I had a guy in my group who's wife asked him how come he couldn't get an orgasm making love too her, he just never could. No premature ejaculation, no finished too fast, not ever. He always attributed it to just wanting to please his wife. Once he was happy that she had an orgasm he would pull out and finish himself off which never seems to be a problem. They had two daughters cuz he would get close then insert then ejaculate. His wife had been with many men b4 where sex was about the guy and him getting his needs met - she asked him one day. "Are you gay or something?" It had not really occurred to him on a conscious level.

So i cant help but wonder as with many men on here, is there some sexual identity, dysphoria, orientation, confusion or obfuscation of your innate sexuality. Just wonder if this is something that you may also want to explore with a T.

My buddy from group, divorced that woman, he remarried another very controlling woman who again he divorced. He went through a period of deciding he was asexual before finally exploring and slowly accepting he was attracted to men and ultimately that's what worked for him.

I just put it out there cuz that possibility had not been discussed on this thread. I wish you well with this Jon, its so not easy to figure out sometimes.


The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

#419980 - 12/23/12 11:20 PM * [Re: Jon1766]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:30 PM)


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