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#419603 - 12/19/12 10:53 PM Full Disclosure
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 758
Loc: Southeast USA
This week, several MS posters have mentioned conflict with their spouses over CSA and how it is handled. I've had several private conversations with folks I have have developed a rapport with on MS. This is good, because I too had a rough discussion with my wife over the weekend. She told me I need to let bygones be bygones and stop worrying about what happened 25 years ago. We all know that is hurtful and not helpful in ther least.

I mentioned privately to someone on here that to be fair, my wife thinks I was "only" fondled at camp. The truth is, I was fondled and I was sodomized. She doesn't know the last part. I've hinted at it, but stopped short. The good advice I received mirrored what I realize deep down----that I need to fully disclose to her what happened to be able to fully heal. I'm seeing my T tomorrow and will discuss this there.

So in full disclosure, I may send up a trial balloon here about camp before fine tuning it and talking to my wife about it. Just when the pavement smooths out, another bump in the road appears. Thanks for everything. You all are a HUGE source of support.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#419607 - 12/19/12 11:06 PM Re: Full Disclosure [Re: Suwanee]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3513
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Will -

i am sure you must have thought of this - but just to remind you - disclosures often bring unexpected backlashes. i have extremely mixed feelings about this - a longing to be totally open, honest and transparent and be known fully inside and out - versus a fear and reluctance to be exposed, ashamed and possibly thought of as less worthy and acceptable. i am still not sure which need will win - the need for safety and self-censorship or the need for total truth and intimacy.

i hope to see more discussion - i could use the input, too!

Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#419611 - 12/19/12 11:47 PM Re: Full Disclosure [Re: Suwanee]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Will

I told my wife all, and I am trying to be a good husband. Your wife tells you to let bygones be bygones, but if she is anything like mine then she will drag up your past and hurl it in your face at every opportunity. I am constantly told how horrible I was and how much I hurt her and what a terrible person I was.
Sorry, loading you with my junk.
It seems odd to me that I have disclosed all and it is all coming back to bite me in the proverbial.
Tell someone everything, like your T, but guard what you don't want used against you in your marriage. I have always been a strong proponent of 100% honesty, but to be truthful, it does come back to haunt you.

Sorry I'm really down today.

Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#419614 - 12/20/12 12:09 AM Re: Full Disclosure [Re: Suwanee]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
If she's more supportive / loving than not, and also you're pained by the memories of the last part (and that's a yes), I think its best to tell her. Especially because yes it does hurt to be told "get over it."

There are many ways to say it and your demeanor will influence her reaction.

Best of luck, I know you have been struggling over disclosure for some time now. If you get the right response it is a great relief.

Matt
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#419639 - 12/20/12 09:12 AM Re: Full Disclosure [Re: Suwanee]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I think it is generally a good idea to tell her but you are the one who knows her. We don't. But remember that she still may not get it. I think that's because much of the focus is in the physical act. They may not understand the psychological effect it can have on a child. The wound to the sole. That's what you have to get through to her.

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#419650 - 12/20/12 01:27 PM Re: Full Disclosure [Re: Suwanee]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Hey Will

I agree that the emotional/psychological effects are the most important for her to understand. If she is a reader maybe you could give her a copy of one of the good books on the subject like Mike Lew's book - "Victims no Longer". This might help lay some ground work. (I haven't read it - but I've heard it is good).

The truth of the matter is even if you were 'just fondled' that is enough to cause major damage to you. It isn't the severity of the 'act' that makes it harder or easier for us to let bygones be bygones.

I agree that you probably need to tell her. It is a bit like you need her to understand the depth of your pain/shame to make it real. Once it is out in the open it will be easier to acknowledge it yourself and you hopefully will stop feeling like a victim and more like a survivor.

I agree that the 'way' you tell her will influence her reaction.

BTW - make sure your DON'T tell her at that time of the month laugh

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#419653 - 12/20/12 01:59 PM Re: Full Disclosure [Re: Suwanee]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 288
Loc: MO
Hi Will

As has been mentioned you know her best. Speaking about my experience with my wife, it didn't matter. She had been molested by her cousin when she was in grade school. Even after the live in baby sitter who followed her, was pregnant with the man's child, she still did not understand that sitting on her bed, rubbing her back, and massaging her , he was hitting on her.

My wife remained in denial. She experienced date rape twice, yet she still believed it was her availability rather than her saying no that detwermined what was going on. So, if she is in denial, as my wife of 25 years was, no matter how much pain you are in, no matter how you share the details, she will still believwe, just get over it.

However, if she is kind, loving and considerate telling her is a very important step. Just fondled, raped, sodomized, just once or a dozsen times, it is a violation andf a betrayal. If she doesn't get it, more details wouldn't help. If she gets it, she will ask for details when you are healed enough to answer.

I know I have a bias, that is part of why she is my ex-wife.

May God bless you and keep you and grant you peace.

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#419687 - 12/20/12 07:31 PM * [Re: Suwanee]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:25 PM)

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#419688 - 12/20/12 07:37 PM * [Re: whome]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:25 PM)

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#419691 - 12/20/12 07:49 PM Re: Full Disclosure [Re: whome]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: whome
she will drag up your past and hurl it in your face at every opportunity. I am constantly told how horrible I was and how much I hurt her and what a terrible person I was.

And your reply is "So are you not glad that I'm not that person anymore?"

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#419696 - 12/20/12 08:18 PM Re: Full Disclosure [Re: Suwanee]
Suwanee Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 758
Loc: Southeast USA
Thanks for the input guys.

Here's an update:

My wife is amazing. SHE came to me and apologized for being short with me. She is going through a lot of stress at work---a lot of things
are riding on her right now. Without rehearsal, I told her I wanted to tell her more about what happened at camp. Without any more prompting, she said , "He did more than just touch you didn't he?" I nodded and she just reached out and hugged me and told me it was okay. At that point, the kids came in and joined us in a group hug. We will talk later on. I'm okay with that.

Will
_________________________
Cruel Summer
My Journal

-Signs and traces left in stone
Ruins of a past unknown-

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#419698 - 12/20/12 08:41 PM Re: Full Disclosure [Re: Suwanee]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 918
Loc: New York
Oh God Will, oh thank God, oh thank God. She's there for you. She is. After all your worry, she is.

You will feel better. Let it come. I am so happy for you.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#419716 - 12/20/12 11:33 PM Re: Full Disclosure [Re: Suwanee]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3513
Loc: somewhere in Africa
you are so blessed!!!

i;m tearing up better than at a movie with a sappy, happy ending...

lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


Top
#419717 - 12/20/12 11:44 PM Re: Full Disclosure [Re: Suwanee]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
That's great! smile We need to get bigger smilies.

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#419719 - 12/21/12 12:43 AM Re: Full Disclosure [Re: Suwanee]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
WIll

That is FANTASTIC NEWS. She IS on your team. I am so glad it just happened naturally like that (without rehearsal).

It sounds like you have nothing to worry about telling her more in the future. You couldn't ask for a better response.

This is so encouraging!!!!

smile smile smile

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#419861 - 12/22/12 03:36 PM * [Re: Suwanee]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:27 PM)

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#419921 - 12/23/12 10:43 AM Re: Full Disclosure [Re: Suwanee]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hey Will,
Thanks for the post. Good for you taking the risk to tell your wife.
This is part of our csa pain. Being real and transparent with our spouse is maybe some of the biggest risks I have taken. Thank God my wife has always been supportive of my csa reality and all that comes with it.

What I have learned is that:
My csa reality also causes my wife pain as well.
I am continuing to come to terms with my csa reality.
This is a process for us both.
She needs time and space to accept and understand.
It can take a long time to come to terms with all of the ramifications.
It can be too much to cope with for my wife at times.
The right time is important. Time to process and talk.
My wife became quite fearfully of my ssa and what that could mean. No small impact on the security of the marage.
I find that I need to ansor the sometimes unasked question she has.
What dose that mean for "us"? and what dose that mean for "me"? Or make room for her to ask.

I have learned to not give quick reassurance, but to be patent and let her vent when she's ready,

I have learn that when she vent there is a process taking place.

I have learned that some of what she says or doesn't say can feal bad. I chalk it up to all the bad my csa brings me.

I have learned that my wife is on my side and we are in this togeather and nether one of us is going anywhere.

20 years into disclosure, I am still coming to terms with my csa and my awesome wife is still helping me help her help us work it out.

We would never be where we are if I did not let her know the real me.
It made it safe to be the real her. I think had I not helped her to understand we would not have been able to make it work.


Best wishes in your process and in working it out in your marriage,

Mike

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#419922 - 12/23/12 10:49 AM Re: Full Disclosure [Re: Suwanee]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
I just realized there was a second page. So cool of your wife to be there for you!
Made my day.

Mike

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