Hi guys, Right so heres my back story. I have a very close male friend.. a boyfriend I suppose you would say although we havnt labeled it as that to family and friends yet. He is roughly my age (19/20) and today he confessed to me that he was sexually abused as a child. I have a fairly checkered history myself in that my first boyfriend died, and a very close friend of mine has been in prison for manslaughter, and i started having sex at a very early age. However I have never before come across someone I knew had bee abused. Him telling me was a very big step in our relationship and im really confused about how to help him for the best. He seems a little withdrawn since he told me but i suppose that is to be expected?

Are there any topics I should avoid or broach as we begin to get our baring with the new sittuation and generally does anybody have any advice about my predicument?

Hi Querida,

I'm at work and don't have time to do much of a reply right now. But if you see him before you learn much what you want to do is to tell him that he is OK. That you are sad that this happened to him but you still want to be with him. That you appreciate him trusting you enough to tell you this.

Sorry this is all I have time for.

I agree with Candu, help him know he is safe, wanted and accepted by you. You are NOT his therapist, so help him find a great male sexual abuse therapist and then let him decide when going to him/her is best, it may not the right time for him.

You are a supporter, which is limited to listening to him, having a sympathy, but not rescuing him by allowing bad behavior or abuse from him to you. Personal boundaries are paramount, as well as a support group for yourself in CODA(Co Dependents Anonymous). You need support. DO not take what he is frustrated about in the abuse personally. You are innocent, a wonderful human being, a beautiful, caring person. Always remember.

You and he can form a strong relationship through the fires of the abuse recovery, but there will be hardships. Make a plan that gets you from his potentially strong release of emotions or isolation to a healthy place for you and accepting this behavior as he heals. Consistent, long term support may be necessary.

A supporter is greatly valued here, Querida. Thank you for helping a fellow survivor. Please let us know how we can support you, and encourage him to find us and share his story do that he too may heal.

Welcome,
Sam

Thank you both for your advice We have broached the topic of therapy and he does not seem keen at the moment, however it is something I intend to bring up again in the future. He is not outwardly aggressive at all really, he doesn't seem to turn to addiction of any kind either however he is very withdrawn as a person and he finds it hard to feel strong emotions so our relationship takes its toll on him - and me sometimes. That is also part of why I am here, to find a place where I can not feel guilty for needing a little time to think about things. My instant reaction (after years of counselling myself) is to want to talk through problems at length, and I know him well enough to know that is not his way although hes happy to listen to my problems. I instantly wanted to know exactly what he went through and all the different help strategies etc etc but I am trying to be very patient and let him reveal what he wants to when he wants to.

Tread carefully. Before my husband told me had been abused as a child, I was in the dark for years. Not knowing what the deal was (but knowing there certainly was one) I pushed him really hard to see a counselor. He later told me that all the pushing really made him feel like a freak. I feel really bad about that now

Guys don't go to therapy. Just saying.
(I'm kidding)

And you wonder why we have half the problems we have.

Yes guys do go to therapy. It is hard and difficult at first. I have been at it for 20 months--many ups and downs--hurts and pain--and a sense of moving forward then some set backs. I do not give up--therapy and support groups have been my saviors along with some wonderful supporters. It takes time and therapy is sometimes considered a sign of weakness--but it truly is a sign of hope and more importantly freedom from the past memories and control of the abuser and abuse and those that try to knock you down. Please encourage him to go to therapy or a support group. In support he can sit silently until he feels comfortable to speak and talk about what happened to him as a child and how it affected his life.

Encourage and try to stay positive.