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#419492 - 12/18/12 04:01 PM Re: I remind him of his abuser [Re: Hailwic]
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1196
Loc: Northern Ohio
Hailwic.
The "Why didn't he tell me" is a very hurtful fraise to use with any victim of any abuse/assault.
The answer though, can be broken down into two sides.
1) Embarrassment that is so overwhelming powerful, that even approaching the topic makes us want to die. That is how so very bad we can Feel & Think of ourselves. Not just for our own pain, but for the pain we are causing others. Itís a vicious circle of silence & pain.
2) we may not actually know why at all. And that particular instant of the trigger, even 50 yrs later, can be the first time since the abuse we feel it again.
I myself struggle with trying to figure out why I canít be intimate with a woman, when my abuser was a man. I donít see the connection. There are aspects of my life & my behavior I was not even aware of for dozens of years. Then one day it smacks me in the face at the worst time.
We usually donít know a trigger, until one is pulled.
sometimes I ask "Why?". Most of the time I dont even know there is a question to be asked.

blacken, aka Paul

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#419500 - 12/18/12 05:18 PM Re: I remind him of his abuser [Re: Hailwic]
Hailwic Offline


Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 19
Blacken,

Thank you for sharing. I don't mean to be hurtful, to my husband or any survivor. I don't mean to be insensitive, or to minimize. And I know my own hurt and frustration isn't comparable to yours.

But it still hurts. I think it hurts more than most people know or can understand. I feel my own pain, and feel pain for my husband, too.

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#419503 - 12/18/12 07:19 PM Re: I remind him of his abuser [Re: Hailwic]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Originally Posted By: Hailwic
And I know my own hurt and frustration isn't comparable to yours.

Yes and no. We have been hurt so bad that a lot of us stopped feeling at the same level as you. My sister recently told me that when she was receiving a beating from our father she in the middle of it just switched off. She stopped crying and just turned numb. And never really got back to Normal. Later going through school she couldn't understand the girls she knew. She just didn't have the feelings the others had. Decades later she is doing better now but only because of the drugs she takes. What she described to me matched exactly to some of the reactions I read about in books on CSA. But not everyone is the same or will have like reactions to the abuse.

Personally I have been hurt by the CSA but mainly because of events in my life in the past couple of years had I been pushed over the edge. While I was damaged before I was able to exist without too much hurt. It has not been a fulfilling or satisfying life (I haven't kissed a woman in over 25 years) but it was one with reduced pain. If you have limited interaction you can't get hurt too bad. No risk, no gain & no pain.(or not too much)

It is when we make ourselves open to others that we really can get hurt. You have and unfortunately you got hurt. Your pain is no less. But if you don't risk getting hurt then you don't love or get love in return.

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#419549 - 12/19/12 01:28 PM Re: I remind him of his abuser [Re: Candu]
Hailwic Offline


Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 19
Candu,

Thank you for sharing. You really made me think when you said, "When you have limited interaction you can't get hurt too bad." No one would ever describe my husband as an introvert - in fact he's a social butterfly. But the one person he is supposed to be able to trust is me. And I'm the one he goes out of his way to ignore. He keeps his head down and volunteers for extra work hours, holiday duty, etc. When he's home he either plays video or computer games. On an off day he'll sit and watch TV with me, as long as I don't talk too much.

I don't understand.

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#419555 - 12/19/12 02:00 PM Re: I remind him of his abuser [Re: Hailwic]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 205
Loc: IDAHO
I can't imagine how hard this would be. No wonder you are hurt. I hope that your H will continue to open up it therapy so that you both can heal. I would be horrified your H's behavior sounds a lot like mine. I wish i could offer advice but all I can offer is empathy.
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#419583 - 12/19/12 06:29 PM Re: I remind him of his abuser [Re: Hailwic]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Hailwic, only people that we care about can really hurt us. And in order to not get hurt then you can't care.

I'm only speaking for myself and it may have nothing to do with your situation.

Quote:
But the one person he is supposed to be able to trust is me.

But does he trust them or just get along well with them? Would he tell them what you know?

Earlier today I posted to a thread in the MaleSurvivor forum and included a link to this video on vulnerability. http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html There also was a followup video on shame (that I didn't post) http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html. If you haven't yet seen them I think they are worth watching.

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#419619 - 12/20/12 12:51 AM Re: I remind him of his abuser [Re: Hailwic]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: Hailwic
No one would ever describe my husband as an introvert - in fact he's a social butterfly. But the one person he is supposed to be able to trust is me. And I'm the one he goes out of his way to ignore.

He's a social butterfly, but do the people he socialises with actually know anything about him? I was like that for many years, and in some circumstances still am. I chat and laugh and joke, but I NEVER talked about my past. I talked very little about myself, and then only about my work, my child, etc. Never shared my hopes and fears with friends, except one or two. About 2 years or so ago, I decided to finally come clean and tell at least some of my friends. I'll always remember what one wrote in an email to me - that he never realised how little he really knew about me, even after being friends for years.

My late wife, however, was a different story. She knew everything - always did. It took me more than a decade together before I was finally able to trust her to not leave me. The fact that she knew, made me vulnerable when I was with her. She knew my wounds, and if she wanted she needed only to touch them to hurt me - that is absolutely terrifying. Even now that I'm older and wiser (and have more therapy under my belt) I sometimes feel the same way towards my girlfriend - she wouldn't need any kind of weapon to hurt me - she can only touch the raw wounds - she knows exactly where they are.

It's so much easier to just put on my mask and play the role of the goofy friend...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#419752 - 12/21/12 10:46 AM Re: I remind him of his abuser [Re: crazy gecko]
Hailwic Offline


Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 19
Originally Posted By: crazy gecko
It's so much easier to just put on my mask and play the role of the goofy friend...


I guess I never thought of it that way. It makes me really sad. No one should have to hide behind a mask! frown

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#422341 - 01/17/13 03:40 AM Re: I remind him of his abuser [Re: Hailwic]
confusion4life Offline


Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
i dont know if it helps you, but almost all survivors have issues with sleeping with their partners whom they love.
intimacy and love...and sexual stuff (which is felt as dangerous, unwanted, bad, overwhealming...) just doesnt go together. survivors can sexualize anything and anyone, just not their partners whom they love. that is until they heal enough from what their abusers did to them.
usually its got nothing to do with you personally.
your husbands saying that you remind him of his abuser only means that you do. so you should ask HOW you do that. is it your body, is it your hight, is it your character...
find out first before you start hating him more. how exactly did he mean that sentence.

if it really comes out that he chose you to be with him for the sake of making your life hell because he is reminded of his abuser, then you can still get out of this relation (hard but possible).
you not having kids is probably sad for you, but that too could be a reason for him not to sleep with you. he didnt want kids. he didnt want anything to happen to his kids. maybe he just thought it would. you need to talk to him. ask things properly and no assuming with a survivor, it just never works out.

i am saying all this, cause my husband sexualized children who were the same hight like his mother, who abused him for years. he had a memory loss and didnt even know anything about his abusers before. we went thru a lot, shits lots! but i did learn one thing, its never what it seems to be first. you need to really get down to the inner feelings of your husband.
even if you find that he really wants to hurt you because he hurts and he finds life unfair alltogether, then you still need to find out if that too has something to do with you.
this whole thing is so complex and very individual. all you can do is hope for him to being fully honest to you and you shouldnt forget yourself as well. you too do exist.
if he was with you all those years because he needed to "torture" someone and it worked with you, then you could still stick to "better a fast shocking end than a neverending shock". in that case, make sure you get help and you are strong enough to leave him.
_________________________
everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end

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