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#419539 - 12/19/12 10:04 AM Feeling of isolation
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey guys, I've been struggling for some time now and I don't know how to go trough issue of trust.
It bothers me when I'm involved with closest family members or persons with whom I would like to have something more than friendship.
Recently I've been jumped into relationship with one girl and it could be that we are already over. There were many real obstacles as we were living apart for example but some are connected for me being very sensitive. On smallest sign of curiosity and wish to explore my demons or traits that I'm not comfortable to share and I've been closing. It is true that I'm looking for partner who will be may support ant to whom I could disclose and share my inner world in full.
But for now it seems like very difficult task.
Firstly latest girl was so strong person that I with my occasional fragility seemed like tiny breeze going over top of huge mountain (she), lol, she didn't show any sign of weakness and I felt like not wanted or excessive in my tries to be available for help. I'm the person who need to feel like wanted and needed for support.
Secondly she felt so confident that she tried to challenge me couple of times and brake my walls to see what is in there, I pretended like not seeing it but it hurt me and made me uneasy.
In such environment we actually departed emotionally and couple of times I've felt very lonely.
I've felt like haunted; when I was apart from my girlfriend I was desperately lonely when we were together I couldn't be myself and reach her, it was like carousel.
With such dynamics I think that we couldn't last for long in anyway.
I know that we are not all the same, but do you guys have any tips or thoughts how to pull those walls down?
Pero
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#419545 - 12/19/12 12:35 PM Re: Feeling of isolation [Re: peroperic2009]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Quote:
she tried to challenge me couple of times and brake my walls to see what is in there, I pretended like not seeing it but it hurt me and made me uneasy

Maybe if you had instead told her that you couldn't talk about it yet, you wish you could, but it was not possible right now. I think this is better than not providing a response. But I would probably have done exactly what you did.

For a relationship to develop you need to open up to the other person. That is hard for most people and harder for us. That doesn't mean we have to open completely just that we have to give something real.

You may not have see this video and if not then I think it is worth seeing.
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

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#419584 - 12/19/12 06:55 PM Re: Feeling of isolation [Re: peroperic2009]
Gmone Offline


Registered: 03/14/12
Posts: 23
Loc: NC
Pero,

I can certainly relate to your feeling of isolation and how much it hurts. The walls we built had to be strong and mighty to protect us; they did their job when they needed to. Breaking them down or even letting someone else in now is very difficult, indead. This is something that requires utmost trust.

You said you jumped into it with this latest girl. You may not have been ready to divulge that much information. Candu is right; This kind of intimacy requires great amounts of trust. Trust can only be earned over time. Your instincts were probably correct. You say this girl is strong, but it takes Herculean strength to handle and be able to process what we have been through. A LOT of people aren't capable of that kind of support.

Take your time with her. Try giving little things first. If she isn't willing to wait, she probably isn't the one you need.

Gary
_________________________
Working hard towards change. There...my first positive, personal affirmation in 52 years!

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#419585 - 12/19/12 06:57 PM Re: Feeling of isolation [Re: peroperic2009]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
I did it, I told her that I'm not ready, but I've been seen as "very closed" person anyway. We made "last" phone call couple hours ago and must say that left me empty.
Even than we couldn't make some emotional exchange (maybe I'm more responsible for that, who knows) and it was kind of sad, it was like I was shut out without any possibility to cross over.
I know what I've felt, I know it was real, I know that she couldn't see it and I didn't know how to avoid it...

Thanks for video, it is really good Candu wink


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#419589 - 12/19/12 08:09 PM Re: Feeling of isolation [Re: peroperic2009]
genedebs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/12
Posts: 285
Loc: MO
hi peroperic

You are coming up on 37, still got a long life ahead. You are probably looking for a combination of characteristics that are not usually combined. You wanyt nstrength so that you ddon't have to carry her. You want empathy so she "feels your pain." You want her to be o k with being vulnerable so she can be open, even when that vulnerability scares you so you need to protect yourself. You want her to be honest, but kind, loving, and understanding.

It is a tall order. You may not be able to find her.

You may have choose your priorities, is it more important that you are reassured you will not be abandoned, or that she won't overpower you? Is it more important that seh understands you or she gives you the distance you need? Is it more important that she is affectionate, or communicates her emotional understanding before the touchy feely?

If you haven't answered the questions for yourself, you may need to, before you jump into a relationship, so you can communicate what you want. Intimacy is a wonderful idea, but the people I know dpon't know if that means you want sex, or codependency.

I don't know maybe I should have done this PM

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#419621 - 12/20/12 01:29 AM Re: Feeling of isolation [Re: peroperic2009]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: peroperic2009
I know that we are not all the same, but do you guys have any tips or thoughts how to pull those walls down?
Pero

Hi Pero

I'm so sorry you're having these difficulties with the girl...

The only answer I have for how to pull the walls down, is slowly. VERY slowly. I can't just trust people - I need them to win my trust. But they can't do that if I don't trust them with a little bit...

My girlfriend and I were just friends for about two years before we started dating. When we first met, I didn't tell her anything. Then I told her that I didn't have a happy childhood, and that my parents died when I was young. That's a standard lie I tell a lot of people - I always say my mother died when I was 11 (that was when she left) and that my father died when I was 16 (when he officially disowned me). She handled that well, and that enabled me to trust her a little bit more, so I told her about the drugs. Then I told her that I was abused, without giving detail about the type of abuse. Ect, etc, etc. So I revealed my past piece by piece over more than three years, waiting to see how she handled each piece before I revealed the next bit to her. Each time she handled the new information well, it made it easier for me to trust her with more. When the relationship became more serious early this year, I decided that if we were going to make it work, she needed to know everything, so I sent her the link to my blog, containing my full story. By then she already knew that I was sexually abused by my father - she just didn't know exactly what he did, and she didn't know the full story about my foster father either. Two weeks ago, I was still unsure if I could trust her to support me if I broke down. Letting her come with me to my old school when I knew there was a good chance I'd be severely triggered was scary as hell, but once again, she handled it well. By staying calm and supportive even then, she earned more of my trust.

It still scares me that she knows so much about me - as I've just posted on another thread, she wouldn't need any weapons to hurt me. She knows exactly where the raw wounds are, so if she wants to hurt me for some reason, she can just touch them... Sometimes that scares me so much that I still shut her out, but she is learning how to handle that.

The fact that she tried to see over your walls means that she does care about you - she wants to get to know the real you, and she is perceptive enough to realise that what you've shown her isn't it.

If it's not too late, you could perhaps just tell her that you are dealing with a lot of baggage from your past, and that you want to tell her, but you aren't ready yet. That if she can be patient with you, you will open up more in time...

I've also found that very few people have no scars. No ones life is perfect and everyone has baggage. Not everyone has as much as we do, but somewhere there has to be a scratch on her armour too...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

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#419627 - 12/20/12 05:16 AM Re: Feeling of isolation [Re: peroperic2009]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey guys, thanks for insightful inputs. I have to say it was very helpful for me to read it.

Gary (Gmone), I think that gaining trust is the hardest part for me, I can do whatever is needed to fulfill someone's needs if I can have it in the first place otherwise I'm feeling like being on other planet.

Genedebs, it is alright, I appreciate your input a lot and don't worry because you post it publicly wink
You are correct, my expectations are incredible high and I become aware of that lately.
I'm not sure would and could I chose between all those traits that you listed. I need the most to feel connected with my partner. I guess that abandonment is terrible difficult for me to take and the most hurtful.
That is the most important for me. Sightless insecurity in our relationship (or me) by other side could have devastating effect on me, I could become physically ill feeling pain in my guts.
There are some other issues regarding that. When I'm feeling connected that doesn't mean that I have to call my partner every day or couple times on day to ensure that connection is live, I just need to "feel" is everything alright and to "feel" other person. I'll have that person on my mind as first thing in the morning and last thing in the evening before my sleep. That sometimes hasn't been recognized nor I've been able to share and describe.

Hey Gecko, thanks buddy for sharing experience with your girlfriend with us. I agree that some time to get trust is needed and to put walls down. I like how you described that process with your girlfriend, I hope it will work like that in future for both of you.
I know that my ex wanted to get closer and to learn more about me because she cared. It was just too invasive for me in such short time and I wasn't ready. I was a little bit left confused when she didn't recognize my feelings.
Unfortunately she has already been too consistent and decisive about any possibility for something further and she plainly didn't give me second chance. That is not at all problem for me if she has felt like that and if she clearly let me know, I can accept whatever is on table. But I've felt hurt last week when I tried to surprise her and when I suddenly decided to come for New Year in her city. She is working during the holidays and there wasn't opportunity to see each other, plus we couldn't see each other in last two weeks because of stormy weather and problems with flights - basically because of distance. So last week I've felt so lonely that I decided to see her no matter on all costs, problems and risks with weather (in winter her region has terrible weather conditions and flights have been regularly canceled). That day I've found that she has already arraignments that don't include me. I'm completely fine that she has had own plans but it hurt me to find it like that by pure accident, I think that my fragile trust disappeared in that moment. Even than I didn't see it as problem and I canceled my flight, I've still didn't see that she has already moved and made her mind, but later couple of unanswered calls and late replies on my messages forced me to ask her directly what is happening. I wonder actually for how long she wasn't able to tell me and show me her true feelings.

Oh I didn't want to talk about such details but you guys caught me off guard smile , I got to go now, your replies were really helpful!!!

Pero

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#419632 - 12/20/12 07:46 AM Re: Feeling of isolation [Re: peroperic2009]
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
OMG it seems to me that you two were really incompatible on so many levels.

I think you should stop dating for some time.

It is ok to feel alone after breakup but you should be careful not to overdramatize it too, I mean I do not see how two of you so different would at all be able to have successful relationship even if you were ready to be more open?

Personally I felt great relieve when you told me that is probably over, mea culpa - you can burn me to death now grin .


Edited by Ivo (12/20/12 07:47 AM)

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#419640 - 12/20/12 09:13 AM Re: Feeling of isolation [Re: peroperic2009]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3603
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey brother good to see you wink
And please could you be a little bit more supportive, lol?
Just kidding, I know what you have thought about me and starting relationship, well I didn't care, lol, when my spirit is high nothing can stop me to try what I think that I should.
Please be calm, I'm not over-dramatizing anything, I'm just honest an open. It is in therapeutic purpose, everything will be alright.
And my feelings of loneliness were unbearable while I was trying to be in relationship with that girl, not after that.
See you!
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