POST: SEEKING CONVERSATIONS ABOUT SA and MS. (please reply to the thread)

As a sex addict and a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I just wanted to open a thread for this sort of conversation.

Personally, I feel as though my sex addiction is well-interwoven with patterns of eroticism learned as defenses against sexual violence. My sexuality has been, in part, a roleplay for my mind to cope with the sexuality forced on me in my early life. We are interwoven.

I also identify as two-spirit, one male and one female, that have either always been part of me or developed as a result of abuse. My inner male seeks out internet pornography (IP) and my inner female seeks out acting-out behavior which sometimes results in unhealthy or degrading sex. These are my parts: my inner children, wounded and seeking to understand and grieve.

And as a sex-addict I am called to leave behind all entanglements between sexuality and violence, to surrender my compulsive sexual addiction which goads me on and takes energy from me. To grow into a mature, healthy relationship with my partner. And to be my fullest aspects, both feminine and masculine awake in creative eros, for myself and my community.

I hope to connect with others on this path and wish you all solace, grieving and growth.

Two Spirit

i can identify with the logic,the actions you took as a innocent child, you did to somewhat preserve sainity and being stuck in a battle between two sides and choosing to hide the shame/guilt thats pent-up and has no outlet.

I myself was having a urge to release by self plesure since i was 7years old, the pleasure would make the pain take a back seat,a tempoary solution to a problem that still shadows my esteem and emotion.

Passive agressive is my ace up my sleave.

Tuck

Two spirit-
If I haven't said so already _
Welcome to MS.

A lot of my experience includes recovery from and struggles in the past with sexual addiction- and only after my abuse surfaced after decades of repression did the link between my compulsive and destructive sexuality and my SA become obvious. And the solution is to stop acting out, get honest, and find safe support.

I talk a lot about untangling my sexuality from the abuse, reclaiming my authentic sense of self, and not labeling things too much. I believe we all have a sacred sexuality and it is our mission to own it free from the agendas of others and from the abuse. I respect and support all men willing to take steps to claim his for themselves and be safe for other men to grow on their path.

*

Your post has resonated with me huge. I completely relate to the male in me seeking pornography and the female in me seeking out unhealthy sex.

It became obvious to me recently that in my fantasies I am the girl. I am still trying to cope with thisd truth. My sexuality and my gender identity were altered all those years ago. They are interwoven as you described.

I have been a sex addict for most of my life. The last two years, I have been slowly healing and moving towards a more whole version of myself. But it is taking time. I find myself stuck between the idea of healthy sexuality and hating it altogether. Heal well.

Daniel

Yes. All shame and guilt. I never recognized myself as a sex addict, a bisexual, a survivor of sexual abuse or anything deviant from a "normal straight man" archetype for years, even while acting out. I would only brush against it an then push it under the rug again, like something you are looking for but really don't want to find.

My therapist, who was gay, seemed to support this decision, oddly, because I wasn't wired all-gay or something qualitative was missing about the way I was attracted to same-sex encounters. I think he wanted me to figure out that I was abused. I didn't, in those sessions. That came in dreams, during SA work and other emotional healing.

Lately, I am taking, and virulently advocating, a different approach. Renouncing shame. And it's brought me into really great community. Might cause turbulence. I was once punched in the face, during a college "coming out" experience. I didn't want the label to begin with, so I went back to "normal straight man."

I wish I'd done more of it earlier though: honesty. Back when the whole world could feel me being whatever inauthentic role it seemed like I could passably satisfy. (slacker, punk, geek, philosopher) Thank goodness I was never good at it, and my intimate partners could read through to the true me. Thank goodness because I was allowed to experience love.

It's a really radical way to be. But as Eddie Vedder said (by the way, is he some sort of hero here? all of his songs seem to be about overcoming abuse, and he screams real good). Escape is never the safest plan. My honesty is my resistance, and it is blooming against a world order that is constructing a counter-reality of fear and hate.

Yeah, that turns me on. Wow, that sort of makes me queasy. So, by cocksucker, do you mean those people in the act of selflessly giving pleasure? Because I don't see the problem with that. Have you ever *had* your cock sucked?

Okay, I'm getting carried away, and earned a "trigger warning" for myself by using anatomical words.

Resist.

Cool! I had originally learned about Dissociative Identity Disorder, where you break off into a frozen version of yourself at the age of your trauma, and continue on. That didn't really resonate with me. It scares me a little more, too. Because if you have an "inner 10 year old"... then I really hope that you are having an authentic dialogue with him. (I step carefully here, because I have had conversations with those with DID and I find them and their inner children quite beautiful).

It was having this conversation that I realize that having an inner promiscuous woman could also be dangerous, in other ways, to myself, my relationships, my family. I think many women who are living lives of excess (I can relate only so far) probably cause lots of hurt in others. Sure, rejection of nice guys. But also, much undealt-with pain can become "paid forward" to unsuspecting others, children, rage-objects, close family. I definitely can relate to that, and I'm not interested in continuing that pattern.

And then, here's the part where I step carefully: my inner woman wants rough sex with men. She wants a healthy relationship with a man. She wants to serve again, to "help" again. She wants her innocence back. Full of contradictions. To wit, and to the comment above, your inner 10 year old can never have a normal relationship with a girl his age. Same as my inner woman can't have a healthy romantic relationship with a man because I've chosen a monogamous heterosexual relationship.

So, we give them air. Assessing safety is always important. I think that safe spaces can be created, though, by mutual agreement, some amount of trust and primarily--courage. We do not shy from our dark side and we own our desire, but question what is nourishing and what is not. For me, my desires are shifting slowly.

I have met others like us, Letou, and noticed some funny things. Some wax misogynist: "Oh that's not me, that's the evil nympho bitch who lives in me and wants to destroy me." (read: women are like that) Not acceptable. Personally, I spent lots of time creating safe spaces that I never used. Finding women friends, letting small things on. It was never quite fair or quite authentic, and required too many drugs, and too little intimacy.

And then I just decided, which isn't as dramatic as you expect, because the world doesn't revolve around you. But it unravelled, and no one thinks much of it. I'd be honest, with myself, first, and then as much as I could be with others: saying the thing that makes you feel uncomfortable for a moment, but speaks for your heart.
Turns out: my inner feminine had opinions, and emotions, and tears to cry, and desires. She had spent years before that, single-mindedly focused on the sex-act that was perpetrated on us. I am so sorry to her.

That's what I like about the term "two-spirit" which has no working definition which I can find. I think it's sort of a way for PR groups to reach out to the Native American queer communities. I especially like it because it is without negative connotation (queer=weird) or sexual-preference identification. It sort of supplements a previous belief I've had that all people are masculine and feminine energy together. You'll see chakra drawings done this way in the ancient yoga tradition.
Funny thing is, I believed it, just without actually allowing it. I would instinctively stop my hips from swaying if I was dancing. If I said something too hip about clothing design. If I acknowledged anything attractive about a man. I would become awkward and re-harden to "normal straight man."

Sadly, it is for reasons like this in myself, an things I confront in others, that makes me less convinced today that this interweaving is true of or accessible by our whole culture (even though it may be innate in our spiritual biology) though I honestly wish it was. Some defenses are strong and fearful; seemingly permanent. I don't base much activism on hope, just on heart. We are up against a lot.

But, I think of those of us who once drew a strong defense-schism have a calling to be potential powerful advocates for gender harmony, allies with women and against sexual violence against women children and men in a culture which *raises* violent men, which equates power with sex, which covers up the trail of blood and semen for 1 out of 4 little girls and 1 out of 6 little boys, and which raises us all to be ignorant, hopeless and helpless to it all. You need these parts of you to be strong. "Normal, straight man" will not hold up in this arena where "sexual defect" and "homo-perversion" obliterate the premise of your masculinity. So we change the definition of "sane human persyn" to rep a few more colors, and double our creativity in confronting the culture of (very troubled) "normal straight men" and their enablers.

A ho, brave warrior. Let your colors shine, and sharp be your sword.

Thank you Mountainous Buck,

And for all the good words you create in this space. Bless your sacred sexuality, and your holy navel.

TwoSpirit

I was just made aware: it is not true that most of those who have been sexually abused go on to become sexual abusers.

This makes me very happy, and makes a lot of intuitive sense to me, despite having been fed that myth a lot. It makes me breathe easier that there is nothing "hiding" in my subconscious that could make me want to hurt a child. (I believe they call it "the vampire myth": that CSA is a sort of evil contagion). I have known people to believe it so much they put numbers to it: 4 out of 5 is the (actually pretty not-credible) number that I've been thrown.

The correct rendering is: most sexual abusers were sexually abused as children. Since this is the case, most people probably infer the converse, incorrectly: that most of those abused become abusers. I can see where the confusion comes from: if rates of sexual abuse stay the same through generations, and most abusers have been abused, then it would stand to reason that most of those abused become abusers. That is, if most abusers chose only one victim.

Since this is not the case, which is also in line with some of my experience here and as a child growing up: many abusers are serial abusers. And most of the abused just grow up confused, scared and wounded; not into new child abusers.

Do I have this right? I am looking for any more insight into this "myth," (including much better numbers).

I hope no one takes this the wrong way. I feel as though it is important to understand those represented by even the deflated statistic, whatever the numbers are: those serial abusers who have lived through abuse (as most have). Their actions are not worthy of sharing community with children, suffice to say, but they are survivors as well, and they represent the greatest testament to the extent to which one's "demons," whether or not they chose them or invited them in, can rule unless you are actively making healing choices. It may even be the link that allows you to understand your abuser. You do not have to forgive or excuse them, by any means.

However, all people have some of these energies, demons if you will: I have seen it as the face of my addictions and self-defeating behavior. I have no worry of becoming an abuser to a child. However, it is by grace alone that I survived against the demons attempt to kill me through suicide or reckless choices. Many of us chose not to believe that we can act in malevolence, but this can be the very nature of a block at it's constant, defensive core. It can be angry and violent, mine came through clear as day: "I want to kill you." Why? "To keep you from being hurt." It tends to release a bit, when I let the block know that I love and appreciate it's care for me, but that I don't need it, and don't appreciate that energy.

New-agey take, I guess. But I think you'll get it to translate, into whatever your spiritual language sounds like. I know many of us have dealt with suicidal ideation. I think we should be aware of the possibility of those who would direct that energy outward, as well.

I cringe, because, I think, if someone were as fallible in dealing with externally-abusive tendencies as I have been in life in dealing with my own self-defeating tendencies. Well they would spread a wide net of repercussions. Makes me want to be better at setting real, permanent bottom-lines on self-abusive behavior, just to add to that energy in the world. Makes me less trustful of strangers around children. I hope it makes me smarter and more intuitive in choosing trustable adults for children to be around, and in chasing down and confronting abuse by whatever means are available to me and legal.

But, through this, thank goodness that you are good and intelligent and pure. That we are, by and large. Thank goodness that I control my own fate. And that there are fewer molesters in the world than I thought yesterday.