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#41953 - 02/11/03 10:07 AM Re: How Long ?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
Don't know why I put this all down. I guess I'm still a little annoyed (!!) that the evaluations when I was a child went nowhere, never did anything for me except make me more different.

Ah well, more fodder for the memoirs.
Yes, Donald. It's easy for us to forget about all of our cries for help as children (even adults!) when no one else ever seemed to hear them anyway!

My fighting, skipping school, shoplifting, going to the principals office, the guidance counselors at school, the staff counselors at the Children's Home--I was screaming but nobody seemed to hear what I was saying.

Maybe I couldn't say what I was trying to say, didn't even know what I was trying to say. Maybe people just didn't want to hear what I was trying to say.

So I too became the different one, the trouble-maker, the outcast...

Quote:
If anyone reading this isn't in therapy, trust me, it WILL HELP. It may take time to find the right person, but it WILL help.

And a retreat or a group is like mega-therapy. Do both.

Donald
Donald, you are so right on! Virtually all of the significant breakthroughs I've had have come in or out of T sessions, or group meetings, or retreats.

Sure it takes time and I've had to learn--ok I'm still learning :rolleyes: --not to expect overnight
miracles. I went to 4 T's the last 2 for long periods of time, for over 10 years before I even realized I was a SA survivor, and that even happened "indirectly."

But therapy--and mega-therapy-- --has made such a difference!

Victor


_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#41954 - 02/11/03 10:25 AM Re: How Long ?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
My response is like Brian's. I came here less than a month ago. I finally found a place where I feel comfortable talking about something I never in my life talked about to anyone, until I came here. I found a therapist two weeks ago, and since then I have had three sessions with him. I am so glad I found NOMSV and that I am in therapy. Now I am trying to find a group, and if I don't find one, I'll contact members of NOMSV in my area and try to form one. Another thing I would like to do is attend a retreat for Survivors in Northern California. There has got to be something going on out here! Come on - with statistics of 1 out of 6 men being a Survivor and California being the biggest state in the US, there has got to be something. If you hear of anything let me know ASAP. Thanks for all your support. I appreciate it. Jess.
Jess, I'm glad you--and Brian, and all of us--have
finally found a place here in the MS brotherhood! I'm also glad you've found a T. You are taking some big steps. WTG, bro!

Jess, I hear your frustration about having retreats, and for that matter groups, in your area. This is the frustration of a group that has so far been mainly an online ministry and is trying to expand as much as possible into things like more retreats, groups, group starter packets,
and other literature--all in an organization with limited funds and all volunteer leadership & workers, except one part-time "administrative assistant."

Jess, this is also my frustration. Right now I have to drive an hour and a half to go to a group that meets every other week on Saturday mornings.
I'm signed up for the May MS retreat in Florida & may have to cancel becuz I can't afford to fly, can't drive the trip alone, and can't find anyone to share transportation with--long way from NC to FL, especially when you have fibro & a bad back...

However I'm not giving up yet. And who knows maybe we'll be able to have a retreat here in the Carolinas sometime. And one in California. I wish you well with trying to find or form a group. I've thot of forming a group but haven't felt ready. But maybe...

Well, TC friend. TTYL.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#41955 - 02/11/03 12:56 PM Re: How Long ?
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
Just a thought guy43: Many of us have a history of using in one way or another. There is a theory out there that Freud's sister was molested by his father. To me that makes him one of us. He had no group for support, only envious competitors. Talk about an unsafe world...


I can't believe I just defended Freud. Don't let my friends know that.

OOPS! Pretend you didn't hear that.

Oops, pretend I didn't say that.

Forget it.

or not...


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#41956 - 02/11/03 02:05 PM Re: How Long ?
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
RJD,
I didn't know that about Fraud, whoops err, I mean Freud \:\) . Kidding aside, good points made here by you.
jer


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#41957 - 02/11/03 02:19 PM Re: How Long ?
andrew-almost52 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/31/02
Posts: 243
Loc: canada
Dave, I get the poll, but tough question. Is being a survivor synonamous with recovery? Does seeking help have to be a formal thing i.e. walking into a shrink's office. I figure I was a survivor from the age of three, when I was first abused. Throughout my childhood, my body gave cries for help, but they went unheeded in the adult world of denial. And then into my teens and early 20s, I descended into madness and disassociative states, the only survival modes I knew. So how long have I been a survivor. 49 YEARS! How long have I been in recovery. Really, from day 1. I fought to recover from what was done to me. I fought to recover from the physical pain and fear. I fought to overcome Dave. Sometimes it was only a small part of me, a faint flicker, that had the will to fight on. I remember feeling so goddamn beaten down. But that small part kept on refusing to die, kept on recovering, like one of those magic candles that refuses to be extinguished no matter how hard you blow on it. Sure, there were important interventions and events that boosted my recovery, but really .... it was ongoing. Peace, Andrew


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#41958 - 02/11/03 05:35 PM Re: How Long ?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
RJD,
I didn't know that about Fraud, whoops err, I mean Freud \:\) . Kidding aside, good points made here by you.
jer
Now that was definitely a Fraudian--ooops, I mean a Freudian--slip!

Victor


_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#41959 - 02/17/03 06:31 PM Re: How Long ?
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Let's see if we can get this done this time. I started it earlier and crashed.

I am one of the ones that checked the more than 10 years box but I don't know if that is a fair assesment. I have been in therapy for 10 years but I have only really been dealing with the issues of my Three sexual assaults for the last year and a half.

Part of me wanted to know .... Am I destined to a life of therapy and med's so this morning I asked my T some questions. I told him about this poll and while the answers he gave me were specific to me, parts of them could be applied to everyone.

Here is the summary of this mornings T session:

  • Me: How long do you think I will be in therapy?
  • Rick (my T) you are probably looking at another 2 to 3 years of EXTENSIVE therapy. However we are dealing with three issues.
  • Me : O. K. we are dealing with three issues here.
    • 1. The rapes
    • 2. Self esteme
      and 3.


    [*]Rick: 3 is issues of control
    • issues of control from the rapes
    • issues of control from your mother

  • [*] Me : and I remember you telling me that rape is not sexual but the perpitrators way of using his authouity to contorl his victim.
    [*]Rick: Right. Rape is not sexual.
    [*]once we get all the issues clairfied ... we can deal with each one and since there are mulitple issues and multiple rapes we will have to take each one separetly.
    [*]also, the fact that you are taking the church to court is going to be an issue That could bring up some other issues.
    [*] Me : O. K. so we are talking three years. Then what?
    [*] Rick : after that I would say that you will need to see me once a month for a year. Just to make sure everything is going alright. I would also recommend that you get into a support group. You can stay in the support group for as long as you think it is being helpful.
    [*] Me: O. K. What about my meds. Do you think I will be on them for life?
    [*] Rick: No. I the meds are there to help you while we are dealing with the issues. The Meds are helping to control you emotions so we can work on the issues.

I hope this helps. I know that there are days that I have felt like saying screw the T. Screw the meds.

I finally feel like I am on track with my therapy. We have a plan of attack. I know there are a lot of issues ... but I am going to get through this.

Good luck to everyone.

John

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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#41960 - 02/17/03 07:24 PM Re: How Long ?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Chey
it's a complicated subject, and that poll is a very rough guide without a doubt.

Some people are possibly 'lucky', if you'll excuse the choice of word there, that their problem is contained in a short period of time and with one perp' - maybe then therapy is fairly straightforward.

If life has been more complicated then I think that it's easier to deal the problems individually, although overlap is always going to happen. Then the time scale can stretch.

I've just started going to a group, and I look forward to getting a lot out of it. I haven't had individual therapy for a couple of years now so I feel a bit stagnant and in need of moving myself ahead if I can.
Of course coming here has been good, at times I've experienced the strength of emotion that I felt in therapy, and I have also discussed things in greater depth here as well, it's helped immensly.

I'm prepared to do something to ease the pain for as long as it takes, it's not the greatest of outlooks to look forward to old age and still working on it. But in reality I don't see that happening; I know what kind of healing I have achieved in the last 4 years, and I recognise the fact that it's becoming less effort for better results, so I can't see what will change that trend.
Maybe a big trauma such as losing a loved one or serious illness would set me back, but I can't imagine ever going all the way back for any reason.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#41961 - 02/17/03 08:07 PM Re: How Long ?
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Lloyd/Dave

I might have been making some progress but about 5 years ago perp # 3 came into my life. I don't talk about him much in here. I did press charges against him but he moved out of state and the Cheyenne police won't do anything until he (if he) comes back to Cheyenne.

I forgot to mention one other issue that I want to/ need to deal with and that is anger.

I guess the more issues that you have the longer it will take. But like you said, I don't know what will happen when a tragic event happens. Perp # 3 entered my life about the time that my dad died.

Just wondering.

I say it will never happen again. I hope it doesn't. I think I am prepared if the circumstances would arise, because I would never allow it to happen again without a fight.

John

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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#41962 - 02/17/03 10:32 PM Re: How Long ?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Chey-Wy
Brother it sounds to me like you and your T have put together a real good plan of attack. I know there are times when you want to say f**k it but that is not the answer. If this was easy shit to get over there would be no need for this discussion group. Snap our fingers and hey we are better. It is a bumpy road. God knows I hit a big pot hole on the weekend but I will tell you that it is all worth it. You mentioned that perp 5 came into your life and then the police would do nothing unless he came back to wyoming. What about the Feds. Isnt this a national crime as it is here. Do you have a good friend who you can talk to about all this shit besides your T. You got the Church dead in your sights and I say let em have it. Have you ever thought of tracing f**k number two. I think I suggested to someone else here that it might be good to right this asshole a letter and let him know you know where he is and that you are not sure whether you are gonna tell the cops where he lives or his friends and the company he works for. One thing is for sure though you are gonna do something. Ask your T about this. It might be real good therapy for that hurt young man inside you. What really matters my brother is that you are here and not afraid to talk about it. You know they would never make a movie about us all. No one would believe it. Remember in this fight WINNING IS THE ANSWER.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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