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#41943 - 02/09/03 05:52 PM How Long ?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
How long is since you first sought help and have been working on your recovery ?

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
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#41944 - 02/10/03 12:21 PM Re: How Long ?
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
I once called a suicide hotline when I was in college the first time. I had been slowly disintergrating over several months. Suicidal thoughts preoccupied me.

I had a wife and a daughter.

The volunteer on the suicide hotline turned out to be the head of the psych department at the college I was attending. We made an appointment. My therapist was the first person I told. When I told him about the SA I had experienced with my brother, he began to talk about how he had no sexual identity problems and spent the rest of the session talking about how secure he felt in his masculine identity.

It was like having my spine slit open with a scalpel without anesthetic while pouring salt into the wound.

I soon began making my first suicide attempts. I was dissociating all over the place.

I now know why that therapist headed the psych department, he had no clinical experience.

When I arrived at inpatient I was described as having no ego left, whatsoever. I was assigned a new therapist who I saw for 7 yrs. I believe I lived in a dissociative state all the time. The psychiatrist said that I was in such a deep depression that they wern't worried about suicide at the time. The concern was that as I started to feel better I might become suicidal again. He said that was what often happened.

He was right. After I was discharged they made the mistake of giving me a three month supply of maximum strength antidepressants(ELEVIL). I was internally raging.

It was a time when you went to a therapist to get fixed. Freud, Jung, Karl Rogers, Albert Ellis, Fritz Perls, and a few others ruled the patriachal professional culture.

I remained suicidal during this time, but no real attempts. I had no specific plans, but I was always exploring options. Would it be this bridge abuttment while driving , or that wall.

I started active recovery work, maybe ten years after the first inpatient stay, when I read "Healing the Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw. Suicidal ideation (thoughts) began to cease.

I became aware that my mother taught me to think that way. Suicide was one of her threats. She said she wqanted to die if it weren't for us kids. So I became responsible for her very life.

When I said the same words to my wife, she reminded me of my mother's words to me. It was like a cold splash of water in my face. I needed that shock back to reality. I thanked her. They were my mother's words. My mother was living inside me.

I first spoke about the abuse in front of an auditoriun full of people about 5 years later.

It has been 27 yrs since my first overdose.

I think the help that is available today could have speeded my recovery tremendously.

This board in itself, would have done so much to speed my recovery along.

I was a freak of nature out there. What had happened to me had never happened before in the history of time. Adam had no mother to sleep with. Then came Freud who put the subject on the table, but what he presented was passed through his own distorting filters.

I am not alone, and as I find my voice, my voice becomes a beacon out of the darkness. Women have done this before me, as well as men. There is now a pattern of light out there, and it can now be studied and verified. I am not alone

----I try to be gentle with myself now.


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#41945 - 02/10/03 12:46 PM Re: How Long ?
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
A bit off topic:

"Then came Freud who put the subject on the table, but what he presented was passed through his own distorting filters."

Freud was a cocaine addict.


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#41946 - 02/10/03 02:49 PM Re: How Long ?
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
I've been following this poll. I think it is interesting. The over 10's right now have it, but the less than a year are a close second. It seems we are either long time survivors or just new to therapy. Those of you who are not in therapy .... I would highly recomend it. I feel like I am finally making some progress. I do know now .... it will never happen to me again. I might end up going to jail for what I do if someone ever tried again ..... but it will never happen to me again.

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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#41947 - 02/11/03 01:25 AM Re: How Long ?
dc62 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/20/03
Posts: 4
Just my two cents worth, I first sought help about 15 years ago right after I got out of college and seemed to screw up everything I did. But I was just seeking help for being so screwed up, not for being an emotional incest survivor--had no awareness of the symptoms (I've got almost all of them) and that area of my life was locked away so tightly that I would never have considered it. I've gone to therapy on and off since then, but have only come to recognize myself as an abuse survivor this past year. (I only found this website about a month ago). So, if you ask how long have I have been seeking help, then I would answer over 10 years, but as an abuse survivor only 1-2 years. Maybe some other guys have flopped around looking for answers like me.


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#41948 - 02/11/03 01:44 AM Re: How Long ?
Don-NY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
I put five years. It's closer to six, but there have been some long gaps where I wasn't working on recovery at all.

Anyway, that was when I finally went and said "I was sexually abused and I need help with this."

I specify this because the very first time I asked for help was when I was about 14. I felt I was going to explode. I went weeks without speaking unless I absolutely had to (reply to teachers or parents).

It wasn't just puberty, although that was definitely a factor. The thing is I wouldn't tell the guidance counselor why I wanted professional help, so she said that I had to ask my parents.

It was another two years before I approached my dad and said I had a problem and needed help. I didn't get any.

I tried once in college, just as I was about to drop out (the first time), but the guy wouldn't stop smiling and grinning and he freaked me out, so I left.

About four years later, I pretended I was a drug addict and joined a group. It was mostly heroin users and I felt very threatened and way out of place. I didn't stay long.

Maybe ten years later, I tried again. Couldn't say it. Again a few years later, and a few after that. So now I was in my early thirties, and I finally said it.

This jerk, (and he was a jerk - eventually had his license removed, and did time for tax-evasion, and insurance fraud), anyway, he just brushed it aside. Didn't think or say much about it.

That was it until just over 5 years ago.

Oh and let me not forget to mention this. I was sent for evaluation when I was in Kindergarten.

Then again in first grade.

Then there was fourth grade (a different school system), after I freaked (dissociated) when the school doctor tried to take my pants off because I wouldn't.

Seventh grade, another school system, because I refused to undress for gym, was generally unsociable, and my grades plummeted.

I never said a word. I don't think anyone asked.

About year later I was raped. The next year I turned 14 and that is where I started this.

Don't know why I put this all down. I guess I'm still a little annoyed (!!) that the evaluations when I was a child went nowhere, never did anything for me except make me more different.

Ah well, more fodder for the memoirs.

If anyone reading this isn't in therapy, trust me, it WILL HELP. It may take time to find the right person, but it WILL help.

And a retreat or a group is like mega-therapy. Do both.

Donald

_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

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#41949 - 02/11/03 02:53 AM Re: How Long ?
brian-z Offline
Member

Registered: 07/11/02
Posts: 770
Loc: Western USA
that is not a question I can answer, I cam here in July, but recovery begain for me last month.


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#41950 - 02/11/03 04:18 AM Re: How Long ?
Jess Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/03
Posts: 107
Loc: California
My response is like Brian's. I came here less than a month ago. I finally found a place where I feel comfortable talking about something I never in my life talked about to anyone, until I came here. I found a therapist two weeks ago, and since then I have had three sessions with him. I am so glad I found NOMSV and that I am in therapy. Now I am trying to find a group, and if I don't find one, I'll contact members of NOMSV in my area and try to form one. Another thing I would like to do is attend a retreat for Survivors in Northern California. There has got to be something going on out here! Come on - with statistics of 1 out of 6 men being a Survivor and California being the biggest state in the US, there has got to be something. If you hear of anything let me know ASAP. Thanks for all your support. I appreciate it. Jess.


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#41951 - 02/11/03 09:35 AM Re: How Long ?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
Those of you who are not in therapy .... I would highly recomend it. I feel like I am finally making some progress. I do know now .... it will never happen to me again. I might end up going to jail for what I do if someone ever tried again ..... but it will never happen to me again.
John, I ditto all of that! Therapy has been invaluable for me. It's also been a slice of hell on earth at times. It's taken me too far thru too much pain for me to get set back by in any way ever letting this happen to me again!


Jail I've already been in, if briefly. Jail would be better than getting shoved back deeper into the dungeon the real me is just finally starting to break out of!

Besides, John, there's this thing called self-defense--and I'm not afraid to use it!

Never Again, my friend!...

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#41952 - 02/11/03 09:45 AM Re: How Long ?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
Just my two cents worth, I first sought help about 15 years ago right after I got out of college and seemed to screw up everything I did. But I was just seeking help for being so screwed up, not for being an emotional incest survivor--had no awareness of the symptoms (I've got almost all of them) and that area of my life was locked away so tightly that I would never have considered it. I've gone to therapy on and off since then, but have only come to recognize myself as an abuse survivor this past year. (I only found this website about a month ago). So, if you ask how long have I have been seeking help, then I would answer over 10 years, but as an abuse survivor only 1-2 years. Maybe some other guys have flopped around looking for answers like me.
Actually, DC62, that is very much my own situation
I started seeking help & going to therapy about 13 years ago, and have gone semi-regularly for most of the time since then. I came to recognize myself as a survivor (also of emotional, and also sexual, incest) about 18 months ago. I didn't consider myself as really being in recovery until then, so I answered 2 years.

BTW I'm glad you're here in this brotherhood of male survivors, DC62. Thanks for posting.

Victor


_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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