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#419169 - 12/15/12 01:39 AM do you ever wanna be just a regular guy?
kuurt Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/05
Posts: 168
Loc: louisiana
cause i know i do. i just wanna be a regular guy who does regular things, has normal guy thoughts and can just laugh and act normal with other guys...and with girls too, of course. man...i just want to be normal so bad.
_________________________
"if it keeps on rainin' the levee's gonna break.
and if the levee breaks, i'll have no place to stay"
-led zeppelin

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#419171 - 12/15/12 01:42 AM Re: do you ever wanna be just a regular guy? [Re: kuurt]
kuurt Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/05
Posts: 168
Loc: louisiana
no triggers, no weird feelings, no panic attacks, no irrational fears, no hating yourself, no crying, no abnormal behaviors that make it hard to have friends.
_________________________
"if it keeps on rainin' the levee's gonna break.
and if the levee breaks, i'll have no place to stay"
-led zeppelin

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#419172 - 12/15/12 02:21 AM Re: do you ever wanna be just a regular guy? [Re: kuurt]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1608
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: kuurt
...i just wanna be a regular guy who does regular things, has normal guy thoughts and can just laugh and act normal with other guys...and with girls too, of course. man...i just want to be normal so bad.


Man I wouldn't know "normal" if it ran up to me and kicked me in the ass. I don't think we can be normal. We can only approach it....like the speed of light. Whatever.

Jude
_________________________
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

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#419173 - 12/15/12 02:44 AM Re: do you ever wanna be just a regular guy? [Re: kuurt]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 190
Loc: Puget Sound
Always and forever but at this point itís just not possible. I think itís possible to learn to live with and accept fully who and what I am and everything Iíve experienced but Iíll never know what itís like to be ďnormalĒ. Iíve spent 40 years in denial, Iím whole now, empty inside, but whole, I could nor would I want to ever go back to my old life, the PTSD the way I treated people the lack of caring the total lack of concern for the rest of humanity, I accept this as a challenge not like a fight or even a race just something else that I have to accept and learn about so maybe just maybe Iíll have a chance to do something good in the world.

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#419176 - 12/15/12 07:53 AM Re: do you ever wanna be just a regular guy? [Re: kuurt]
cant_remember Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1048
I've said it before on these boards, and I'll say it again: the normals are so *BORING*!

Yes, I would rather be normal and have normal feelings and interactions with women; yes, that would be great. But that's never going to happen.

And the conclusion I came to long ago, even before I started my recovery journey, is that normal people have such a limited understanding of the world and how it operates. So much to them is literally unimaginable. Whereas we, the not-normals, we do not have the luxury to be ignorant of mankind's dark side and how people use negative forces to influence their world.

The normals are blind and ignorant and boring. True, they hurt less than us; but that blessing comes with its own price -- a lack of knowledge that we know all too well.

Cant
_________________________
Recovery is possible. Hang in there, brothers.

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#419177 - 12/15/12 08:13 AM Re: do you ever wanna be just a regular guy? [Re: kuurt]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 924
Loc: New York
I just want to be able to sleep without pills. That would be all the normal I could ask for.
_________________________
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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#419206 - 12/15/12 04:47 PM Re: do you ever wanna be just a regular guy? [Re: kuurt]
1lifenow Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 418
Loc: west coast
there is no normal

why are we trying to find it?

and we cant wish, pray , hope , drink , sex, medicate or otherwise alter our present circumstance without it having been painted by past colours. But we can still make it a beautiful painting cuz our pallette has so much more depth of hues and shading that "regular people " just cant see. that makes us hyper normal.

Last night , At a party put on by a gay friend who like me, has teen kids, the topic turned to happiness and the lightness of the season. One guy talked about how in his forties he is finally able to find that place. Sure enough , like me he is a survivor. We talked about how that sense of whimsy gets buried or was never there in the first place. But it doesnt mean we cant find it, only that it may take longer or may look different from the "normal" gay men (talk about an oxymoron).

So hell no, i dont want to be a regular guy. Wishing or wanting something that's not gonna happen is wasted energy spent on not having fun. At this point i need and deserve all the chuckles and lightness possible.

So for the season , i offer a toast to the happiness to trump past ghosts and find a new normal- warts and all. tho it sure looked like hell and was anything but regular, Charlie Brown's xmas tree was festive and triumphant in the end.
_________________________
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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#419214 - 12/15/12 06:14 PM Re: do you ever wanna be just a regular guy? [Re: kuurt]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3739
Loc: somewhere in Africa
talking with my T about this yesterday - i didn't say "i want to be normal" - but he had asked me what i thought it would look like when i am where i want to be. my talking point yesterday was = not see everything in life through the filter of abuse effects and coping mechanisms. to be able to leave that behind or put it aside as my most constant and conscious frame of reference and only bring it out when i deliberately decide to. he was the one who used the "N" word.

one thing i took away is that there is NO SUCH THING as a one-size-fits-all definition of "NORMAL" !!! it is an illusion that is unattainable because everyone is different - and some of us are more different than others! you'd never believe how screwed up some of those apparently normal people are! but he told me that I AM normal! i just laughed. he said the goals and dreams i have are normal ones - to be happy, to have good relationships, to not be haunted by the past. he said that it is possible to make the choice about how to think and what to think about.

ironically - i was at a party last night and there was a mixer game with "who am i" identities on everyone's backs. i was "the Ghost of Christmas Past."

Lee
_________________________
"That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. . . What will your verse be?" Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"


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#419216 - 12/15/12 06:46 PM * [Re: kuurt]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:22 PM)

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#419339 - 12/17/12 04:10 AM Re: do you ever wanna be just a regular guy? [Re: kuurt]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hey Kuurt

I read and smile and in the back of my mind a little voice says "what is normal" confused
Just living without the PTSD would be great, cant stand jumping every time someone farts any more, shocked then the triggers and the self mutilation, well I could do without those, blush and then there is off course the second guessing myself and thinking what a normal guy would do in this situation, well could do without that too, crazy so yeah, I agree, I WOULD LOVE TO BE NORMAL. eek

Heal well
Martin
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Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#419346 - 12/17/12 05:46 AM Re: do you ever wanna be just a regular guy? [Re: kuurt]
Clockwise Offline


Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 304
Loc: Pennsylvania
I know exactly how you feel kuurt because I have those same feeling all the time. When I'm at work with "the guys" and they're talking about their wives and children and daily lives I feel so out of place. I wonder what it's like to be able to go home to someone who loves you instead of my empty bed and laptop. What is it like to just have normal thoughts and feels and stuff instead of always wondering what the other people are thinking of me. It is a never ending cycle.
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Yet another 24 hours.

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#419379 - 12/17/12 01:19 PM Re: do you ever wanna be just a regular guy? [Re: kuurt]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Hey Clockwise, I know exactly what you mean.


Would I like to be normal? Yes, and no. While I do have a lot of issues the thing is that if I were "normal" I would no longer be me. I don't not want to be me. I just want to get a few of the things that the Normals have.

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#419424 - 12/18/12 02:01 AM Re: do you ever wanna be just a regular guy? [Re: kuurt]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I just want to go two days in a row without triggers. That would be enough for me for now...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#419432 - 12/18/12 04:04 AM Re: do you ever wanna be just a regular guy? [Re: kuurt]
zeeshan Offline


Registered: 11/29/12
Posts: 1
Last night , At a party put on by a gay friend who like me, has teen kids, the topic turned to happiness and the lightness of the season. One guy talked about how in his forties he is finally able to find that place. Sure enough , like me he is a survivor. We talked about how that sense of whimsy gets buried or was never there in the first place. But it doesnt mean we cant find it, only that it may take longer or may look different from the "normal" gay men (talk about an oxymoron).


Edited by zeeshan (01/30/13 05:51 AM)
_________________________
http://www.lowinterestcreditcardusa.com

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#419760 - 12/21/12 01:48 PM Re: do you ever wanna be just a regular guy? [Re: kuurt]
tohui Offline


Registered: 02/25/12
Posts: 15
Loc: N Las Vegas NV
I dont know what normal may be, I have nothing or no one to base a comparison. What I can contribute to this discussion is I have worked very hard to do no harm, and to place everyone else needs before my own. I see the joy and happiness that I have given and for a brief second I think I can feel it as well, I know I'm lying to myself but I pretend anyways. I do not get anything in return other than that. I may never know what it means to be normal but from my point of view normal people are takers, users and abusers without consideration for anyone else but themselves. If this is what it means to be normal then I will gladly choose to stay abnormal. I have often observe the world as a poor orphan child looking through a glass window of a candy store and seeing children with their parents gorging themselves with all sorts of sweets and wishing that he had a penny for a stick of chewing gum.

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#419798 - 12/21/12 08:55 PM Re: do you ever wanna be just a regular guy? [Re: kuurt]
panda Offline


Registered: 12/05/12
Posts: 16
Loc: Michigan
If something like 1 in 5 men have been sexually assaulted in their lifetime, we're a pretty large minority. That makes us relatively normal, doesn't it? After all, "normal" people who have absolutely nothing that makes them some kind of minity - people who have not been abused, are heterosexual, are able-bodied, are the dominant ethnicity and religion for their country - are pretty rare. Most people are labeled "abnormal" in some way.

The problem is that us, the "abnormal" majority, don't always get along with each other. I know that before I knew about my own childhood I didn't "get" male survivors. I know that before I found out about my own sexual orientation I bullied boys who acted "gay". I might still be bigoted against some minority and not even be aware of it.

But I don't think it's healthy to think of ourselves as abnormal. We are normal. We are normal because we, like nearly everyone else in the world, have not lived ideal lives.

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