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#418971 - 12/12/12 09:19 PM discomfort with music
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3317
Loc: back in the USA
yesterday i had a very uncomfortable experience. i got volunteered to participate in a vocal ensemble that will perform in a talent show. yesterday was our first practice. i am ok with acting in front of an audience - or speaking before a group, but singing is not my thing. i don't read music and for most of the rehearsal i was totally lost. i felt like the outsider and the misfit - familiar feelings - but ones i try to avoid by not attempting things that i don't feel successful or competent about. like sports. and dancing. and anything musical. and most forms of competition. and activities that have time limits and require speed.

so - i gritted my teeth and got through it. (very difficult to sing that way!) my wife had volunteerd us to take part and i didn't want to disappoint her. she thought it would be an enjoyable project to do together. she does things with me that i like but are not her preference, so i felt i should reciprocate. but i was miserable and she could tell. afterwards she asked what was wrong.

part of it is the lack of control. part of it is feeling like being compared unfavorably with others. part is feeling inferior or inept. with art or drama - i know what i'm doing. with music - i am a rank blunderer.

i hate it that everything in my life always seems to come back to abuse. i know why i feel this way. the step-dad - 1st CSA abuser - was also verbally abusive and frequently compared me to his 2 dead kids who were apparently musical prodigies. i couldn't learn from my mistakes or by tial and error or gradually improve. i always had to do it right the first time. i was never good enough so i quit trying.

i love music - enjoy listening to a wide variety of styles - and have always wished i could have had the chance to develop musical ability without the excess baggage. but this is so difficult.

don't know whether it is worth trying to overcome the triggers - or just cut my losses and drop out. i know it would probly be "good for me" to see it through. and i hate to let my wife down. but i'm not sure i have the strength right now to do it.

lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#418996 - 12/13/12 05:45 AM Re: discomfort with music [Re: traveler]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Lee,
I must say that your post very much reminded me about Sam's post on playing golf:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...7432#Post417432
Well it is always difficult to do something when we are not felt good with it. And for survivors who have in background some negative self image playing all time it is even more difficult.
Such situation could shows related to music, playing some sport, going to drink in some public place, being in company with a lot of guys, being in company with a lot of women, lol, anything list could be endless.
But you know it does get better with time, it really does.
To me always help to get used to environment and occasions (and I need some time for that), to learn more about people involved, to find place not in front of everyone but somewhere behind, to become friend to other people involved... wink
And when it become possible for me to go out of my head there. To start interacting with others and by so stop being concentrated on my wrong doings, my mistakes, my comparisons to others, my inadequacy and all other my the most negative traits, lol, than I know that I'm on way to overcome my anxiety and to be my self there in pure meaning of those words even while I'm doing something that I'm not good at.
So maybe you could try couple more times to see if you'll feel more relaxed there and than you can easily decide?
I would do something like that in your place.

Hang on Lee!
_________________________
My story

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#419148 - 12/14/12 05:50 PM * [Re: traveler]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:21 PM)

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#419152 - 12/14/12 06:18 PM Re: discomfort with music [Re: traveler]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Lee

Yet again we find another parallel in our lives. My wife has the voice of an angel and in an effort to support her in that I become a part of our church music team. I have practically no musical ability or timing. Given my perfectionist nature this lead me to 'sound guy' rather than up front singer. Then because I am a natural leader I ended up co-music co-ordinating with my wife. If I can't be 'perfect' at something I won't do it. The thought of someone cringing at me not hitting the right note or coming in at the wrong time is mortifying for me. Like you I know where it comes from. I do not sing in public....but I do love to sing when no one can hear me.

I am happy to be in front doing drama....but singing...No way!

I do commend you on your efforts to support your wife and be involved in her 'stuff'.

It will get easier to follow as you attend more practices. I am sure others are not as harsh on you as yourself (or your stepdad). So maybe stick at it for her sake. The other option is to cop out like me and find some other background way to support you. You do have to pick your battles.
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#419924 - 12/23/12 11:15 AM Re: discomfort with music [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3317
Loc: back in the USA
after the 2nd practice session -

i decided not to be such a wimp and to go ahead and stick it out. i remembered a great line from a book i read - "there's a difference between falling and jumping." i guess you could also say - "there's a difference between being pushed and jumping." the first time - i was pushed. the second time - i jumped.

it wasn't any easier - if anything it was more difficult. they all seemed to be going forward and improving - and i was not. over half-way into the practice, i asked a question and it revealed at least part of the reason for my difficulties.

though i don't really read music, i can tell when notes are going up or down and roughly when several lines of harmonies are going together and things just weren't making any sense. come to find out - i had a copy of the music that someone had hand-written in additional passages in several places - different from anyone else. and there were also parts of the bass line (my part) that the guy directing us had decided to eliminate - but it wasn't marked out on my copy. NO WONDER i was confused!

and i couldn't help but think - that is the story of my life: i'm never on the same page with everyone else - because i was given a defective copy of the sheet music - or the text - or the script - or the instructions.

maybe next time it will go better.
lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
#424054 - 02/02/13 03:39 AM Re: discomfort with music [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3317
Loc: back in the USA
i did it!!!

last night was the talent show. we did pretty well. we were performing a couple of a capella pieces. they had not been chosen with beginners in mind - but were quite complex with polyphony - a new word for me. the rhythm was very syncopated on one and there were different words for each of the parts and weird discordant bits here and there. since i sing bass it was simpler than the other parts but still challenging to me. anyway i made it through all the rehearsals and the actual show and i am glad i saw it through to the end. i can't say it was a big thrill or that i learned anything amazing. but i did get a sense of satisfaction that i did overcome my fear and do something so far outside my comfort zone that it wasn't even on the same page of the map.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
#424057 - 02/02/13 03:59 AM Re: discomfort with music [Re: traveler]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3600
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Lee,
wow, that is so great news smile
I was wondering what is happening with this "project".
You brought some smiles to my face, I can imagine thrills (even not big ones) and enjoyment of going trough some fears and beating it.
I didn't have any doubts that you won't do it wink !
(((Lee)))

Pero
_________________________
My story

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#424059 - 02/02/13 06:02 AM Re: discomfort with music [Re: traveler]
Farmer Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/23/12
Posts: 442
Loc: Australia
Lee

You forgot to mention the brownie points you got with your wife for being involved/supporting 'her life' - 'her project'.

I knew you had it in you. Wish I was there to see it .... I mean hear it.

Lee
_________________________
More than meets the eye!

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#424065 - 02/02/13 08:22 AM Re: discomfort with music [Re: traveler]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1927
Loc: durham, north england
Hi lee.

This was a great topic to read, congratulations! it sounds like that was a victory and for all you might not be able to let yourself think as much, it does count.

Just in case you want to try music again, bare in mind reading music is very much an optional extra. Usually in those sorts of groups the pianist or similar doesn't mind note bashing someone's part. I've actually had occasions where I've been in choires or similar and people have remarked that after seeing me learn stuff without reading printed music they felt a lot more confident trying that themselves, and in doing that found things a lot easier since they weren't grappling with a lot of signs and lines and what not that was knew to them and could just listen to the notes, heck if you do any on stage performances in musicals, opperetas etc the first thing the conductor usually says when you get past the first rehearsal is "books down"

So, just because something is the expected way of doing something doesn't mean you have! to do it that way at all, and if another method is more comfortable for you, well you should let yourself do that.

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#424119 - 02/03/13 12:30 AM Re: discomfort with music [Re: traveler]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3317
Loc: back in the USA
thanks, D E!

that means a lot, coming from the "maestro"!

and your last statement could well apply to almost anything in life.

Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

Top
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