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#418981 - 12/12/12 11:42 PM Introduction
Zoebear Offline


Registered: 12/09/12
Posts: 7
Hello everyone,

I'm "Zoebear" I'm a 45 year old male that I have finally come to grips about my childhood abuse. I'm so overwhelmed with emotion and I don't know where to start. I've pretented all this time that I was this person but really I was tainted by what my brother did to me when I was only a child (about 10 years old). I know I can be a better man and be happy but I've dealt with this darkness for so long that my most current relationship on hanging on by a very slim thread. I love my girl and my kids so much but I have not been true to myself or them, especially my Danie. She is the world to me, she is the first to hold me accountable and has not put up with my outbursts and verbal abuse but enough, I owe it to myself and my family to be a better man and to be happy.

I know all over the place here but so much emotion going through me right now. I'm both excited but very nervous and anxious about the future, I know it's going to take time but I'm so glad that I finally took that gorilla off my back and I told Danie everything, how and what he did and how I lied to protect him. I started counseling but I've been so hesitant in telling my counselor everything cause I was ashamed and felt so dirty and inadequate. I meet with her tomorrow and I'm so looking forward to letting this off my chest once and for all.

I miss my family so much but I know the journey that lies ahead of me is not going to be easy but I so much welcome this challenge in my life...why did I wait so long. I'm going to let myself be me and be happy, no more hiding behind a wall...I'm going to knock this wall down.

Zoebear

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#418984 - 12/13/12 12:11 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Zoebear]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3378
Loc: somewhere in Africa
Originally Posted By: Zoebear
I'm both excited but very nervous and anxious about the future, I know it's going to take time but I'm so glad that I finally took that gorilla off my back and I told Danie everything, how and what he did and how I lied to protect him. I started counseling but I've been so hesitant in telling my counselor everything cause I was ashamed and felt so dirty and inadequate. I meet with her tomorrow and I'm so looking forward to letting this off my chest once and for all.
...
I know the journey that lies ahead of me is not going to be easy but I so much welcome this challenge in my life...why did I wait so long. I'm going to let myself be me and be happy, no more hiding behind a wall...I'm going to knock this wall down.


DO IT, Zoebear! Knock that wall down! it is hard to talk about - especially to tell someone for the first time. but is is SO worth it. it will make a huge difference. Yes - there will be lots of hard work in the future - but you can do it. and we are here to help back you up.

welcome,
Lee
_________________________
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago


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#418990 - 12/13/12 01:54 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Zoebear]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1513
Loc: New England
Hi Zoebear,

Many of us here are on the high side of forty and like you, are dealing with the secret of our abuse for the first time. You are in good company here. You'll find that you have much in common with many of us, and most importantly, that you're not alone in this. You're not a freak, not "dirty and inadequate", but simply a man who went through a traumatic experience as a boy, and has developed the courage now to face it. Keep reading, keep posting, and tell your story as only you can tell it.

Jude
_________________________
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real me, doctor?.
The Who

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#419011 - 12/13/12 11:28 AM Re: Introduction [Re: traveler]
Zoebear Offline


Registered: 12/09/12
Posts: 7
Lee,
Thank you for the encouragement and the support. Today I have an appointment with my counselfor and I've also asked my girlfriend to come, she has been such a support for me as I've struggled with this abuse. For the longest time, I did not consider myself a victim, but I am and I'm so glad that my Danie held me accountable and was there and encouraged me to get help. I'm not sure if she will show up, but at least it's a step in the right direction for me. Again, thank you for the words and I do plan on telling my story. I blocked out so much of my childhood, that I hardly remember time spent with my parents...sad but it's true. I have vague memories and how I wish I could remember time spent with my dad, especially now that he has passed. I missed that opportunity but I will no longer hold the child in me a prisoner.

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#419012 - 12/13/12 11:35 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Jude]
Zoebear Offline


Registered: 12/09/12
Posts: 7
Hello Jude,

thank you so much for the support and encouragement. I'm so glad that my girlfriend found this and let me know about it. Today I go see my counselor and I'm so nervous but looking forward to start telling my story of abuse and no longer have to lie. The childhood in me for so long has been suppressed, no more. I have to tell the story and let the inner childhood in me go. So much of my childhood that I don't remember, how I wish I could remember the things that my siblings tell me we did with our parents. My abuser was my brother. I'm really looking forward to my appointment, I know it's going to be a rough day for me, but I actually feel warmness within me and I start smiling, I've long to be happy and be a better man.

Thank you so much. I will definately start posting and relying on my fellow survivors!

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#419336 - 12/17/12 03:47 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Zoebear]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Zoebear

Im sitting here with tears in my eyes, on the one hand, tears of sorrow for what has happened to you, and on the other hand, tears of joy that you have finally come to face the demons.

I pray that you get your loved ones back, but remember that it is a battle, one that if you so desire, you will win. It is all a matter of talking honestly with the wonderful people here and with a Good T.

In talking to the good souls here at ms you will find a lot of compassion a lot of brutal honesty and a lot of experience.

Try also to find a survivor group in your area, one for men, and don't be afraid to attend, after all they are men that have been through the same as you have. Group with therapy, (with a good T that is experienced in the treatment of CSA) is the best treatment for this darkness.

Remember one thing above all, you said that you wanted to be a better man for your wife. Well you are, You are a good man and never forget that, you have just been hurt and used along lifes path, and when you deal with that hurt you will discover the most amazing person hidden in there, one that you have been hiding and protecting for such a long time.

Heal well
Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#419360 - 12/17/12 09:00 AM Re: Introduction [Re: Zoebear]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 420
Loc: USA
Hi Zoebear, I am very glad you found this site and that you have gotten started with a counselor. I totally believe we can find freedom through healing. It sounds like you are making an awesome start!

I am kind of new here also, as I signed up in july and started counseling in September. I am moving forward toward becoming who I was meant to be and getting free from the shame, guilt and fear of my past. There are a lot of great people here who understand your feelings and all the junk that goes with abuse, and people here have been awesome in supporting me when the road gets challenging. Being here has really helped a lot. So again I am happy you found us, and I know now to that what is in our future is so much greater then what is in the past. Welcome brother!
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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#419642 - 12/20/12 10:17 AM Re: Introduction [Re: BuffaloCO]
Zoebear Offline


Registered: 12/09/12
Posts: 7
Thank you Buffalo,
Yes, I'm very glad that I found this site and it surely has helped me in my journey that lies ahead for me and my family. Having a support group has really helped. Finally being honest with my counselor and my Danie has really lifted such a burden off me. I felt so ashamed, tainted, damaged, insignificant, and I can go on but I'm sure you to have had these feelings. I no longer want to fill this way, I want to be free and be happy with me and enjoy my family. the survivors that I have met so far have really helped and I so look forward to being able to attend a retreat to be among fellow survivors and be able to share stories of suffering and of recovery.

Thank you again Buffalo.

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#419643 - 12/20/12 10:22 AM Re: Introduction [Re: whome]
Zoebear Offline


Registered: 12/09/12
Posts: 7
Martin,
Thank you so much for your reply. Tears filled my eyes as I read your reply. For the first time, folks like you are telling me that it's going to be okay and I am a good man. I was abused through no fault of mine and I was a victim of sexual abuse. What my brother did was wrong and to finally be able to open up to my loved ones and explain to them why the bad things I did, not that it made it right, but I was carrying a lot and I'm so proud of myself to be able to finally come clean and let my counselor and my Danie know.

I so look forward to the day where I can tell my story to my kids and to look them in the eyes and apologize to them for the pain I caused. I so look forward to happines, like you said, it's a tough road ahead but I'm going to take it on knowing that I have support from my counselor, my Danie, and the wonderful people on this website. Thank you again!

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#419651 - 12/20/12 01:31 PM Re: Introduction [Re: Zoebear]
BuffaloCO Offline


Registered: 07/14/12
Posts: 420
Loc: USA
Wow I think you are brave Zoebear. I come here and have a T but no way could I do a group thing. I know that the Weekends of Recovery here are awesome, it's just not in me yet to face a group. Still to much to sort I guess, but we make progress at our own pace and based on life experience I think. Again welcome!
_________________________
“We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.” - Plato

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