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#418856 - 12/11/12 10:20 PM Angry when someone flaunts sex life
lfp Offline


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 121
I don't know.

Why is it enraging when other people just talk about their sex lives? For example one friend tells me he has night stands and casual sex encounters. This does NOT go with my values because I do care about my body... I am sure of this, but still there is a part of me that says: damn why am I not able to do this?

I got mad when another friend said he was going to have sex with a woman he barely knew. If it was my case, I'd feel bad because I'd feel like an object.

So why is it that even though those situations don't apply to me, I still get angry for not being able to do them? Alienation?
_________________________
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings.
The Round Table, Mondays 7:30pm CST.

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#418860 - 12/11/12 10:35 PM Re: Angry when someone flaunts sex life [Re: lfp]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1363
Loc: California
I've gotten annoyed at others who talk incessantly about their sex lives.

And I've also learned that anger is usually a 2ndary emotion. Underneath the anger is usually another emotion. 99% of the time, that primary emotion is fear.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

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#418861 - 12/11/12 10:42 PM Re: Angry when someone flaunts sex life [Re: lfp]
lfp Offline


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 121
Am I afraid or something else? I don't think what I feel is fear deep inside, or shame even.

Maybe it's some sort of envy, assuming that the person can cave sex without many problems, unlike me. Why do I put sex on a throne like this? Like everyone can enjoy and I can't, and I don't think this is because of abuse alone.
_________________________
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings.
The Round Table, Mondays 7:30pm CST.

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#418864 - 12/11/12 11:09 PM Re: Angry when someone flaunts sex life [Re: lfp]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1363
Loc: California
Envy is definitely a primary emotion which I understand and feel frequently. Anger can often cover it up.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

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#418865 - 12/11/12 11:15 PM Re: Angry when someone flaunts sex life [Re: lfp]
SoccerStar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 915
Loc: New York
It's really unseemly when guys don't learn to pipe down once they get older. Especially if they're talking to someone in a different relationship status, it seems designed to provoke envy. If all present are in the same status it's fair pool to swap accomplishments, but if they're not, people who are true friends would not make it a primary topic.


Edited by SoccerStar (12/11/12 11:15 PM)
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#418875 - 12/12/12 04:41 AM Re: Angry when someone flaunts sex life [Re: lfp]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3568
Loc: South-East Europe
Well in such situations I could make some joke and to pretend like it is nothing or to be silent. But actually I don't like such moments/talks and I hate when people too easily talk about intimacy in public places. It means nothing to them and seeing such low respect for others hurts me a lot...
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#418876 - 12/12/12 04:41 AM Re: Angry when someone flaunts sex life [Re: lfp]
Clockwise Offline


Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Pennsylvania
lfp, I'm right with you. I hate it when people flaunt their sex life. And it's not like when they just toss out a casual "Man, I'd totally fuck that girl," it's when they insist on talking about how many 'bitches' they've fucked or would fuck or whatever. I also love it when they brag about how they'd totally cheat on their girlfriend/wife if (enter famous female name here) were available. I don't want to hear it.

As for the underlying feeling, it that is true then I guess mines would be envy. I envy those for whom sex comes easily. I wish it could be that easy for me. Oh well.
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#418884 - 12/12/12 06:34 AM Re: Angry when someone flaunts sex life [Re: lfp]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 173
Loc: Puget Sound
Anger is the perfect emotion for us; its manly especially if youíre very loud and obscene it connotes violence, very manly, itís acceptable to a point, but most importantly it is a wall we use to ensure no one gets inside and that we stay that way. Itís a sad self-perpetuating nightmare the anger, it eats you up it consumes all your energy, so even if youíre not angry you donít have the energy to do anything about anything, least of all help yourself. Anger the perfect cover for everything we feel except anger, anger so you donít have to feel anymore, its natureís way! Itís like when I was growing up and you know there were guys in h.s. doing a virgin every weekend wtf was that, donít get it now, didnít get it then or the outrageous pretentious ogling that guys do, just watch the eye candy go by, why do you have to look like such a fool doing it? Never get it?

Cee
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"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#418888 - 12/12/12 07:20 AM Re: Angry when someone flaunts sex life [Re: lfp]
lfp Offline


Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 121
Yes, there's a lot of 'loud', 'manly', 'obnoxious' behaviors out there. In reality, I could just call a random person for sex, but that wouldn't mean anything to me. I'd feel just empty, bad for feeling like I used another person to get me off. I can't look at someone in the face right after I considered them only for sex and then ditch them frown

This anger/discomfort doesn't really take me anywhere, it just makes me compare myself with other people just because of that. What I particularly don't like about it is that it becomes the dominant thing in my head, so I tend to forget all the very good things of my life, and how my life is being very good right now.

My family and I are healthy, I have good opportunities right now, a job I don't dislike, a nice progress in recovery, the possibility of travel and the feeling that I've accomplished stuff that I've wanted in life, little by little. I don't want to forget this just because someone flaunts something I'm not currently into, but it's hard.
_________________________
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings.
The Round Table, Mondays 7:30pm CST.

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#418890 - 12/12/12 07:42 AM Re: Angry when someone flaunts sex life [Re: lfp]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: lfp
In reality, I could just call a random person for sex, but that wouldn't mean anything to me. I'd feel just empty, bad for feeling like I used another person to get me off. I can't look at someone in the face right after I considered them only for sex and then ditch them frown

I hear you on this. To me, there is nothing more lonely than having sex with someone I have no connection with. I've done it (usually in a misguided attempt at looking for intimacy), but I always feel bad afterwards. Kinda like an abuser.

When other guys brag about casual sex I just think about that lonely, empty feeling, and I don't know how to react to what they're talking about...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#418937 - 12/12/12 03:19 PM Re: Angry when someone flaunts sex life [Re: crazy gecko]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
Originally Posted By: crazy gecko
To me, there is nothing more lonely than having sex with someone I have no connection with.


Yes, sexual braggarts are annoying, especially for those of us who have struggled with our own sexualities in various ways. They make us feel inferior because our own sex lives are never as good as what they are describing (which may be somewhat exaggerated). But lets take care not to retreat into some "feminized" form of male sexuality that only gives us the choice of sex in intimate, committed, long term relationships.

I'm going way out on a limb here in suggesting that there's nothing inherently "bad" about male sexuality...that is that men, in general, are wired to want sex and to seek it out. How we seek it out is our choice. We don't have to fit the old mold of "sexual conquerer" (and braggart). Nor do we always have to fit the new mold of the "caring sensitive man" who can only enjoy the physical pleasure of sex in a long term committed relationship. We can be one or the other or both, or neither, at different points in our lives. The point is, we have the choice, and the choices we make can be fluid over our lives.

I think one of the principles of recovery is taking back control over our sexuality as men. In doing so we don't have to fit anyone else's definition of manhood. We get to define that for ourselves, as well as being responsible for our choices.

Thats my little speech on the soapbox.

Jude
_________________________
"When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
And I have become comfortably numb."
Pink Floyd

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#418939 - 12/12/12 03:26 PM Re: Angry when someone flaunts sex life [Re: Jude]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1363
Loc: California
"I think one of the principles of recovery is taking back control over our sexuality as men. In doing so we don't have to fit anyone else's definition of manhood."

BINGO! I wholeheartedly agree with this statement. There should be no shame in our sexuality. It is when shame gets in the way of the rest of our lives, that we need to address whatever issue might be there.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

-- I must remind myself that sugar is my enemy. I can't control my sugar consumption and sugar makes me mentally unstable. I'm reminding myself (because I forgot again).

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#418949 - 12/12/12 04:46 PM * [Re: lfp]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:19 PM)

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#418987 - 12/13/12 12:55 AM Re: Angry when someone flaunts sex life [Re: lfp]
seikei Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/12
Posts: 94
Hello Ifb,

I totally feel for you. I actually created a similar thread a few weeks back. I have a coworker that does that. As they told me on that thread though, a man that feels the need to brag about his sex life more often than not does not have much else to brag about....at least in my experience. Also, while I have never had sexual relations with the opposite sex, despite the alleged immense pleasure, it does not appear to me from the 'studs' I have come across that multiple sexual partners makes life more full. In fact, it makes it more complicated. Misplaced feelings, possible pregnancy scares, possible STD scares. In end, I don't think you're missing much by not participating in the hook up culture so to speak. Hope this helps.

Seikei

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#418992 - 12/13/12 02:05 AM Re: Angry when someone flaunts sex life [Re: Jude]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
Originally Posted By: Jude
But lets take care not to retreat into some "feminized" form of male sexuality that only gives us the choice of sex in intimate, committed, long term relationships.

Ok, I get this. I think it has a lot to do with why we choose to have sex. I guess it's fine when it's sex only for the sake of sex - purely physical. But when I read my post again, I was talking about occasions where I had sex, but what I was really looking for was intimacy. Sex is not intimacy any more than it is love. So I didn't find what I was looking for, and that was probably why I was left with a bad feeling...

I guess I am also burdened with an amount of guilt for the way in which I treated my late wife for the first part of our relationship - I often recognise my own actions in stories about domestic abuse. The only thing I never did was hit her (thank God!). So I tend to over-compensate when it comes to how I treat women...

Originally Posted By: Jude
I think one of the principles of recovery is taking back control over our sexuality as men. In doing so we don't have to fit anyone else's definition of manhood. We get to define that for ourselves, as well as being responsible for our choices.

That, yes. I think that's the most important point.
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#419004 - 12/13/12 08:29 AM Re: Angry when someone flaunts sex life [Re: lfp]
Jude Offline


Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1369
Loc: New England
Hey lfp, I'm sorry I didn't mean to hijack your thread. And I didn't mean to offend anyone by referring to a "feminized" form of male sexuality. My real point is just this:

"I think one of the principles of recovery is taking back control over our sexuality as men. In doing so we don't have to fit anyone else's definition of manhood. We get to define that for ourselves, as well as being responsible for our choices".

Those who brag about their sex lives are probably looking for validation of their manhood. Well good luck with that......as George Burns once said: "Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up."

Jude

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