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#418854 - 12/11/12 09:52 PM I lost
RunningOnEmpty Offline


Registered: 10/07/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia
..


Edited by RunningOnEmpty (01/01/13 06:54 PM)

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#418858 - 12/11/12 10:32 PM Re: I lost [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
I feel your pain, Running. I'm sorry you're going through it.
You've heard "look after you" a million times I'm sure. It truly is the most important thing you can do.

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#418859 - 12/11/12 10:34 PM Re: I lost [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
And I thought I was having a bad day. I'm sorry RoE.

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#418863 - 12/11/12 11:05 PM Re: I lost [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
RunningOnEmpty Offline


Registered: 10/07/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia
.


Edited by RunningOnEmpty (01/01/13 07:55 PM)

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#418870 - 12/12/12 02:25 AM Re: I lost [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I'm sorry RoE frown

This is so sad. It makes me remember all the times I've hurt people who care about me, just because I was too caught up in my own pain to see it.

I hope you and your H will some day be able to put down your weapons and shields and embrace...
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

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#418889 - 12/12/12 07:35 AM Re: I lost [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
My estranged husbands shields and spears kept me out and broke my heart.
I feel your pain, wish you both well, and hope that you can find your way to each other.

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#418995 - 12/13/12 03:10 AM Re: I lost [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1734
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi ROE

I know that this is a tough time for you and I read in your words that you are hurting.
To Say that you have "lost" Implies that the game is over, with this the game is never over unless you choose that it is. Things can and do change quickly sometimes, so if you feel that there is hope Don't give up.

My Prayers are with you

Martin
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#419016 - 12/13/12 01:28 PM Re: I lost [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
outoflove Offline


Registered: 11/06/12
Posts: 26
Loc: USA
Sounds like I wrote this myself.

Sickening. Heartbreaking.

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#419065 - 12/13/12 09:30 PM Re: I lost [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Been there. Leaned way over the cliff, ready to jump. Somehow we pulled back from the edge. I hope you can too.

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#419067 - 12/13/12 09:50 PM Re: I lost [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
RunningOnEmpty Offline


Registered: 10/07/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia
Val- how did you both come back from the edge?

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#419113 - 12/14/12 09:26 AM Re: I lost [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
CdnDW Offline


Registered: 08/24/12
Posts: 105
Wish I had a suggestion... I do know what it feels like because my H and I were in that place the last few years. I could go through all the events that led to the change and still not be able to really put my finger on why it changed. Maybe it happens in small, imperceptible steps that finally lead up to an Aha moment. I know I am very lucky and feel deep Gratitude for being in the place I am now with my H. He took a leap. I had backed off and then when I could be silent no more, I lovingly but categorically drew my line in the sand. Moving forward without therapy was not an option. And when he did take that step, everything for us began to change. I think he also got lucky to find a therapist that he connects with.

My best to you Running... Hard decisions, but sometimes, when our life looks the bleakest, all of a sudden it turns around. I hope that sometime happens for you this time.
_________________________
I am not your rolling wheels, I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride, I am the sky
- Audioslave

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#419210 - 12/15/12 05:39 PM Re: I lost [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Running: Honestly, some days, I'm not sure. I had made the decision to leave but was waiting for my husband to return from an extended business trip. He had a particularly bad night, called, and we navigated that dark and awful night together instead of apart.

I think in part, my H hit rock bottom. I think for myself, I pulled myself out of his situation and was able to just listen and not react. To hear him out instead of trying to fix everything for him. I think we both realized we were dangerously close to losing each other and pulled together instead.

I'm not going to lie and say it was all us because in some ways, it just feels like simple luck. There were so many ways that fateful night could've gone wrong.

But my H has little by little grown into a place where he can contribute to working on us instead of always spinning in his head over his own problems. I think I have lowered if not eliminated my expectations of a normal marriage. Nothing about this situation is normal, so I can no longer expect normal fixes to our extreme problems. I was clinging to some idea, fantasy, and once I let it go, I was better able to take care of me, and consequently, us.

I wish there was something more concrete I could tell you. But it's as simple as this: there was an opportunity for it all to fall apart for good, and we some how managed to not fuck it up. It was a small victory that we now build upon. Everyday.



Edited by Valkyrie (12/15/12 05:40 PM)

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#419326 - 12/17/12 12:35 AM Re: I lost [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
RunningOnEmpty Offline


Registered: 10/07/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia
-


Edited by RunningOnEmpty (01/01/13 07:55 PM)

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#419333 - 12/17/12 01:31 AM Re: I lost [Re: Valkyrie]
TwoSpiritRising Offline


Registered: 11/01/12
Posts: 32
Wow. That's really tough to hear, Running. I know many ways which my partner and I have not been there for each other. I am always acutely aware of how it relates to our abuse (easier for me to see in her than her in me and vice versa). Hard to think of things getting to that point, as they often do in the world.

I would say this, though, to you, and in response to Valkyrie. I'm a big fan of giving up on mass-culture, but don't fool yourself that most of the world is "normal." You might be unique (much less so than I think you think) an you are special, but my humble opinion remains egocentric.

It is the rest of the world that is crazy.

I think it must take a crazy culture to rape a quarter of our children and not discuss it. (I could go on, environment, genocide... but that would be "political"). Maybe this gives you comfort. If you're not "normal", at least you're "in the real" of a tough time. I hope that he is strong enough to come out. Sounds like y'all are not there, yet. How have things been going lately?

TwoSpirit

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#419368 - 12/17/12 11:04 AM Re: I lost [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
Quote:
we went to our pastor who said "this isn't what God wants- give it a few more months"
I remember a previous pastor surprise me when he said "better to get to heaven seperately than in hell together" (not about me).

I hope this will help him to change. If it doesn't it will be the right thing for you anyway.

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#419554 - 12/19/12 02:00 PM Re: I lost [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
Valkyrie Offline


Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Running: You've gone as far as I would be willing to go under those circumstances. While I have been through the normal run of the mill with my H, I cannot say that my physical safety is at risk. My emotional safety was, for quite some time, but I regained control and my H somehow really did recognize what he was doing and has been working to change that. We have severe trust issues, but I think we can rebuild with time. It sounds as though you have given it all and faced ever diminishing returns. You ARE NOT WRONG to take the action you have. Be strong. Best of luck.


Edited by Valkyrie (12/19/12 02:00 PM)

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#419561 - 12/19/12 02:15 PM Re: I lost [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
HD001 Offline


Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 262
Loc: us
RoE. Stick to your guns. Pufferfishes analogy resonted with me as well. A couple weeks ago my therapists said that H and me were like two boxers who had finally quit throughing punches but weren't ready to take our gloves off. It sounds like in your case you a finally putting down your sword. I think this takes a lot a strength but wisdom as well. Keep posting
_________________________
Everything comes from within

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#419628 - 12/20/12 05:37 AM Re: I lost [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
RunningOnEmpty Offline


Registered: 10/07/12
Posts: 91
Loc: georgia
-


Edited by RunningOnEmpty (01/01/13 07:56 PM)

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#419629 - 12/20/12 07:06 AM Re: I lost [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
northernflicker Offline


Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 88
This is horrifying and heart breaking. I am so sorry. And no this is absolutely not your fault. This is abusive and manipulative and entirely his choice.

Talk to a lawyer immediately and to your bank and mortgage holder to protect you and your kids financially.

I am so, so sorry.

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#419630 - 12/20/12 07:25 AM Re: I lost [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I'm so sorry ROE... that's horrible. frown

Keep yourself and your kids safe and don't let him convince you that you are the villain. The villain in this piece is the monster(s) that turned him into a man that is so broken that he cannot treat you better...

I'll be praying for all of you.
_________________________
I guess what I'm trying to say
Is whose life is it anyway because livin'
Living is the best revenge
You can play
-- Def Leppard

My Story, Part 2

My blog

Top
#419635 - 12/20/12 08:14 AM Re: I lost [Re: RunningOnEmpty]
Candu Offline


Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I'm sorry this is happening to you but you will get through this no matter how hard it is right now.

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