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#424605 - 02/07/13 10:49 AM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 177
Loc: Puget Sound
Puff I’m functional but it’s just that when you’ve grown up raised by yourself I just think that there is no way to ever feel really a part of anything or anyone. That need for belonging to be a part of something is very strong, I never acted out quite like “Dibs” but I get it, just that I know no matter what I’ll never be a part of anything, or maybe it’s just that I’ll never be able to delude myself into thinking I’m a part of something or someone. Growing up I used to delude myself that I never wanted to be a part of “it” or “them” but now I’m older and realize all my short comings and issues, and where they came from, not saying I’m perfect and everything came from my abuse but so many of my problems did, not being able to trust, feeling betrayed, being betrayed by parents over and over and over again, and then by my therapist, all that before the age of 15, the “school of hard knocks” was easy compared. See that was so much a part of it I’m such a person of opposites, I see everything so much different, I have no reason other than some off-handed remarks to go by but I think my dad and his sister were both abused by their father; my father became in his own mind the antithesis of his, and I became the antithesis of him, just like my grandfather; a mister fix-it, a jack of all trades, someone who is competent enough to do about anything around the house although the “new” vehicles with all the computer crap, I don’t touch. I hated my dad everything about him; so I internalized being the opposite of everything he was and little did I realize that he had done the same, and I became just like my grandfather, it makes me violently ill, just like when I first remembered I’d wake up every morning and vomit, just dry heaves, I hated myself so much, I hated him, I hated that I am him both physically and personality wise just like him, heck I even have his hair, thank god I look like my other grandfather, not short or anything. its why just like as far back as I can remember just wanting to die, just hoping I’d never get up, its why I took so many chances when I was younger , why even now it would be ok if died, I’d be over. Now I see things differently, I know my dad did try and apologize before he died, just I couldn’t understand then, I didn’t want to, but its irrelevant to me, he was never there when it counted, he turned his back on me so long ago, but I get it, I just hope I never have to make the kind of decision he had to make, I can’t imagine how he tortured himself, especially being married to that devil of a wife, at least there is some karma in this world, the she-devil is all alone, she even managed to alienate me; “let me see your wrists”; wtf, are you kidding me, you dumb bitch; you actually think I’d fail at something? No fucking clue who I am, still wants me to be this poor little abused kid, suicidal, always, just can’t leave those I love alone, I know alone. I’ve spent a lot of time with a gun to my head, it wouldn’t be a problem to pull the trigger. Not suicidal, just I’d welcome death, I’d welcome a way out, I almost think it’s the ultimate karmic revenge, letting me figure all this out, letting me stay alive, letting me torture myself, because after all, I can’t do it, but neither will karma; karmas a bitch!



Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
I barely leave my room, and barely speak to my parents.


Just like me before I left home/institutionalized, understand even now I do nothing other than work and go back to the hotel, stuck yes you heard me stuck in Hawaii, for at least another month, fucking island life just sucks, no open roads, nowhere to just open it up and go, heck I stopped drinking so even the bars are off limits now. Like I said isolation!

Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
I deleted every single entry I ever made on here not too long ago,


I get it just think it’s a great loss to yourself, like your thoughts have no worth, or are you still worried about your dad reading stuff?

Originally Posted By: Life's A Dream
I just feel like I keep drifting further and further away from other human beings.


ditto

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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#425027 - 02/12/13 03:21 AM . [Re: cosmos]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island
.


Edited by Life's A Dream (04/21/13 10:31 PM)

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#425047 - 02/12/13 11:33 AM Re: isolation [Re: cosmos]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 177
Loc: Puget Sound
LaD see your just trying to get through this like we all are some days are so much worse than others, you never know where a thought or a smell or anything can take you, some days are bad some just ok, even in “paradise” life sucks I’ve been here 2 weeks now and finally realized how everyone sees me, seriously, not everyone but anyone with that “normal” perspective, normally y I’d forget about it let alone write about it but it just shows you how fucked “normal” really is. I’m staying a block off the beach on the 16th floor, only one floor higher. So like anything staying up high means you have money or something, in my case I didn’t make the reservations, so that’s just karma, so here’s where it gets interesting, a well-dressed middle age man “definitely not married” I haven’t worn a wedding band in 20 years, and most of the time people see me I’m going to or coming from work, so I’m dressed nice, no shorts or sandals. It finally hit me. I overheard a grown daughter commenting to her mother; wink, wink, nudge, nudge, he’s gay, it got me thinking what do other people think of me, well gay but then I thought about it some more, a Richard Geer kinda thing, and the worst a confidence man, wow, people are so eff’d up, just “normal” right.

LaD as a father of 2 24 year-old basement dwellers I can’t imagine throwing either of them out, not saying because I have this great relationship with them, just on a human level, you can’t. I know how hard it is how cold the streets are how alone alone is, it’s why most people get together as soon as they leave home, the thought of being alone let alone making it on their own is something that they can’t do, mentally can’t do it, life is scary. As a parent I understand what it’s like to be shocked at some of the things your children do, but at a certain point they are adults, and as long as there are zero repercussions on yourself, you have to let it go, how do you think I felt when I found out my son was a mod for one of the bigger chan boards out there, I get it, mom thinks he’s 1 step ahead of the FBI or some bs like he’s a “leet haxscor” or something? Your life is no one’s business but yours but I know how hard that is in reality vs. words on a screen.

Cee
_________________________
"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

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