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#418507 - 12/08/12 10:13 AM Trying to be more Present
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hi all,

I just returned from a two night get away with my wife. Most of are growth as a couple happens when we get off togeather by our selfs. I am trying to become a more supportive husband and am starting to get half good at beaning a person and showing up in the marriage. That may be giving my self to much credit.

It's the showing up part that I have a hard time doing and then, not for any leanth of time especially when we are back in our regular routine. I am a dreamer a self appointed philosopher, I live in my head. Turns out that's not working well for would be friends and family and I thing it's also a big part of the socialy awkward thing I have going. I am, at age 50, just realy beginning to see and understand this. I realy want to change this part of a very old defense mechanism. A defense mechanism that is a big part of who I am.

Anybody figured this out?

It seams I have two categories of thoughts, those I talk about and those I don't.
The second category seams to be growing.

Take care, M

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#418516 - 12/08/12 12:29 PM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: SmartShadow]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1390
Loc: California
Hey there,

Best advice I can give is to 'shout, shout, let it all out'. Let out all the demons in your head and heart. Do it here, or with a therapist, or with confidants. But don't hold onto anything inside of you.

"You're as sick as your secrets"

Another thing that I am also learning (which you are asking about) is that to live in my head is a detriment to my enjoyment of living life and connecting with others. I'm learning that I need to follow my heart, and let go of my expectations (thinking).

I've created a new mantra for myself - Live in the present, follow my heart, and let go of the rest. I get into trouble when my mind tries to 'figure it out' and tries to force solutions and control and manipulate and worry. When I act out of fear (mostly driven by thinking) then I am cutting myself off from all the possibilities that might make themselves available to me if I were to follow my heart.

But how do I know what is in my heart? That's another great question and another subject. Sometimes, I have been able to discern when it is an ego driven desire as opposed to a heart inspired longing. It has to do with resonance. When I sense a longing of my heart, there's a resonance that occurs, and it moves through me.

I wish I had better words to describe this, or wiser words to share with you. But I'm on the same journey you're on, and that's what I've found so far.

D
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#418534 - 12/08/12 07:36 PM * [Re: SmartShadow]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:16 PM)

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#418552 - 12/09/12 12:28 AM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Thanks guys,

I can't tell you hou much of a need your wisdom, story's and encouragement has met for me. So many thought and fealings. I usually shoot them down before they get off the ground but I am starting to let a few of them fly around a bit. Right now I am thankfully and I feal like I belong to something real and true when I interact with you all.

Been a bit of a crazy day for me. I walked in a walkathon to be with and to support my wife in some of her goals. So many people. I could not stay present. Numbed out, checked out. That fealing of sufication and dread just .. 15 mins in I started to relax a bit. It seamed like everyone belonged there excepted me. They were having fun. I wanted to disappear.

I want to keep doing things to be with and support my wife and I will.
But man that took a lot out of me. 12 hours later and I am still fealing the trama of the morning. Next time will be easer at least I will know what to expect and will be able to mentally prepare.

It seams I want to minimize all of my fealings and difficulties.

I ganed so much today reading and sharing, some light went on for me. I see new thing and I have new insight and hope.

At peace in my sole,
Take care all, M

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#418558 - 12/09/12 01:42 AM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: SmartShadow]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 3319
Loc: back in the USA
Originally Posted By: SmartShadow
It seams I have two categories of thoughts, those I talk about and those I don't.
The second category seams to be growing.


i lived that "double life" for a long time, too, SmartShadow. there was definitely lots more going on inside my head than was evident on the outside. at first, when i was starting to deal with the issues, i just couldn't let it out. my wife wanted to be supportive, but i had perfected such a habit of secretivity that i didn't know how to "show up in the marriage" as you so aptly put it.

here's what helped me - my T encouraged me to write out my memories and thoughts and even feelings. this took a lot of time, but also made me examine and identify and put it all into words - which helped me understand what was going on - instead of a confusing chaos of mixed emotions, images, half-formed ideas and reactions. once i had made sense of things - i could read the resulting journal entries to the T and i increasingly was able to read more of them to my wife, too. she appreciated being included in the process.

i have continued to write as i get better at figuring things out - but i no longer have to take so long to analyze what is happening and interpret it for myself or for my wife and/or the T. i am improving at having a shorter time lag between my reactions and identifying the thoughts or emotions and putting it all into words. in fact i rarely have to read anything to anyone. i can just say it with more comfort and self-confidence and composure.

it might help.
Lee
_________________________
We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed.
- Paul, II Cor 4:8-9

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#418590 - 12/09/12 01:30 PM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Hello all,

I am working on grounding my self a lot today. Lots of triggers and a desire to medicate. I have learned to ask my self the question "what am I realy fealing" when I find my self agitated and turning towards the long path of my addiction. I use to think I could just go a little way down the path and not end up in the hellish chamber of my abuse. The path is deceptive even now.

What I am realy fealing is a great deal of sadness.

I read a lot of your story's and posts and It has so much of my pain and loss woven into it. I want to reach out to others but I think I need to reach out to my self. I think I need to cry for my self, for the part of me I locked away with the iner chaos.

Well that helped. I seam to have a better grasp of reality all of the sudden.
I am going to church with some family soon. It been to long. I have a hard time distinguish one day, week, month, year from the from the next. Doing regular activitys helps give me reference points. Church is one of things that stands out and helps measure the routine. I don't like to go along with the crowd. But as I have aged I find I am changing my ways.

Bless all of you and may peace and love find a way into our souls today.



Edited by SmartShadow (12/09/12 01:31 PM)

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#418592 - 12/09/12 01:38 PM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
My day died a year ago from cancer. Still working through it.

Though I needed to say that. Been hard to fit it into the conversation.

M


Edited by SmartShadow (12/09/12 01:38 PM)

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#418610 - 12/09/12 05:12 PM * [Re: SmartShadow]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:17 PM)

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#418611 - 12/09/12 05:17 PM * [Re: SmartShadow]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 01:17 PM)

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#418681 - 12/10/12 08:13 AM Re: Trying to be more Present [Re: SmartShadow]
SmartShadow Offline


Registered: 11/27/12
Posts: 135
Loc: Washington State
Trying to hard to be relivent here. You guys are the best. I try to imagin you in real life. And I wish you well and all the best. I am a real mess and I need to get some help. You helped me come to understand how isolated I am as a person. I can not trust. I mean that's the bind. I don't risk fealing at a deep level. I am not a real boy. I am trapped in a ferry tail. My life is not falling apart, but may be it needs to. I have held it to togeather for my kids and family. Not so much my wife, I thing she would prefer me to fall apart so I could get better. Maybe she knows something I don't. I can't trust people. How can this even be an option. It's not, but if I were to let go and fall apart I would want to sleep for a long long time. Don't get me wrong, I love life. I went through depression, wished it was all over for about 2 to 3 years. One realy realy bad year in realy what was a ten year stretch of depression. I am not depressed any more. I have experance a lot of spearitual healing. I need to find a way to trust people. Maybe that's what I am doing here. I was young,maybe 2 or 3 my dad attacked my brother not csa just rage and trauma. Nothing was real or safe from then on. Rage anger hate. I went inside. Deep inside. I am trapped inside my own self. Don't know if this even makes sence. I want out.

Thanks for letting me rant

Just venting

Peace to all,
mike

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