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#418638 - 12/09/12 11:06 PM I've never heard it.
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6367
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
I never told her till year 16 of marriage. After one advanced degree earned together. After two children. After the dream-house in "the neighborhood" was acquired. After the Mountain house was being built.

I deserved her reaction. She deserved her reaction. We are free to react how we want or choose or need to react. There is no grand court in heaven that says she must do this and must do that.

I was 7.5 years old when it happened for the first time. I never told. I attacked the bad older boys. Still never told.

I was violently abused at home. home violence was so bad I still can't think about it or talk about it. I never sought help.

The sexual abuse went on under the sword of Damocles. I allowed it. I chose to take that path.

I returned to the abusers endlessly till i was 14. I never stopped once till then.

I never disclosed, never charged, never sought revenge, never sought help...I was self destructive and a had mind like a bucket of slimy eels. I acted my way through.

When I finally disclosed, among the rejections and disgusting looks of contempt, I was also NOT given something. I was NOT given ONE "it was not your fault." NOT ONE.

I Still have not heard those words from anyone who was a player in my life.

I can hear it from books, Ts, online friends. but I've not heard those words yet...not from anyone in my past or present.

My wife did say it initially, but very officially retracted the "not" and struck greatly deliberately that it WAS in fact MY fault. The judge said so, The opposing lawyers...all agree.

Still! Still not one family member has ever said "it was not your fault."
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#418659 - 12/10/12 01:00 AM Re: I've never heard it. [Re: Still]
crazy gecko Offline


Registered: 10/04/12
Posts: 309
I'm so sorry Still...

I wish I could say it and it would make in better, but I understand that you need to hear if from someone in the flesh. My heart aches for you when you say you never have, because it really is true - it was NOT your fault!

And IMO, it would be understandable if you wife was angry about the secrets and lies, but she had NO RIGHT to say that it was your fault, because that is a lie!

I wish I could write something that would make you feel better, but all I can do is hope that someone will say those words to you, soon... frown
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#418679 - 12/10/12 07:28 AM Re: I've never heard it. [Re: Still]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 176
Loc: Puget Sound
And people wonder why we never tell? Not even faux compassion from those that supposedly care? Just like C. Gecko said nothing I can say can change a thing, itís all part of the same thing. Society sees us as the problem we ruin good peopleís lives we make them uncomfortable we are the reason their children stay indoors under constant ďadult supervisionĒ. We all know it wasnít our fault but society says something different; he was such a fine outstanding member of the community; better watch him canít trust him with kids ďyou knowĒ. It just sucks because there are so many of us in this same situation, I know it doesnít help but how many of us on MS have even heard those words, my wife still hasnít uttered them to me; 27 years together and she has yet to utter, ďitís not your faultĒ. See I know itís important to validate your life through others that you care about but if theyíre not going to be forthright about it, you have to take things on yourself. You have to internalize that ďitís not your faultĒ, you have to know that itís not your fault; nothing you could have done or not done will ever change that, you were a kid, how can anything be you fault, even legally youíre not responsible, so how can anything be your fault? People who have never been abused as kids just will never be able to understand what itís like to be abused like this, itís sex right, youíre a guy right, itís all good right, your just gay right? They just donít get what it does to you how it destroys everything about you, how things that are so special and beautiful were taken from you, how the magic of love really works, how sex is not love, how wrong it was what was done to us. Thank god theyíll never know whatís that like; but likewise Iím not sure if theyíll ever be able to truly understand ďitís not your faultĒ; or even if you want one from them under any circumstance other than sincerity.

Cee
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#418704 - 12/10/12 10:15 AM Re: I've never heard it. [Re: Still]
frankie72 Offline


Registered: 11/23/12
Posts: 29
Loc: Australia
Really sorry to hear that Still, though I know where you are coming from.

It just comes down to people not understanding. At such a young age, we have no real idea about what is right or wrong, or what is normal, especially when it comes to sexual acts. I know at the time I was confused about whether I enjoyed it or not, and it was only until I was older that I knew for sure what had happened.

I know it won't mean anything coming from me, but it not our fault. We never asked to be abused or have our childhood torn away from us.

If a woman was raped nowadays, and the response was "She was asking for it", there would be a social outrage. But for CSA survivors, it seems that socially it is acceptable to have that negative response, because people do not, or don't want to understand.

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#418706 - 12/10/12 10:21 AM Re: I've never heard it. [Re: Still]
Esposa Offline
F&F Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 678
Loc: NJ
I am a wife, although not your wife, and I will say to you "It is not your fault."

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

I have two young children and I know, without a shadow of a doubt, it was not your fault.

I have loved someone who brought his childhood scars into my life. Tried to hide them from me until they came out in an explosion of destruction and I still know IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

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#418707 - 12/10/12 10:21 AM Re: I've never heard it. [Re: Still]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6367
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
The returning US Warriors with traumatic events stuck on "replay" 24-hours a day don't want to be heard either. I wonder what THEY need to be told? But they are said to be "stronger for having been through it."

I survived and seemingly thrived for a short time. Only (not "only" in a diminutive way) a T and fellow survivors call me "strong."

I feel like filthy demon-seed. I felt like it then. I feel like it now. I knew then that I was evil-meat. I feel that way now.

When its was so foundational...such an element of my life-development, I feel The Filthy Demon Seed name is accurate and deserved.

Quote:
They just donít get what it does to you how it destroys everything about you, how things that are so special and beautiful were taken from you, how the magic of love really works, how sex is not love, how wrong it was what was done to us.


I still don't know this. I don't know what I missed. I DO know what the outcome of the normals lives are, but I'll never know a life without those horrors and freedom. I'll never know frivolous play. I'll never know what being a care-free child was about. I can only observe.

Mike Lew said in VNL that; "Survivors feel as if everyone but them got a life-manual, but he did not."



Edited by Still (12/10/12 10:21 AM)
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#418726 - 12/10/12 01:23 PM Re: I've never heard it. [Re: Still]
confusion4life Offline


Registered: 02/12/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Italy
no matter they say it or they dont say it, facts dont change, it WAS NOT your fault. its in fact THEIR fault if they cant understand that simple fact. all they need to do is to think how they used to think as kids, how trusting and longing for attention they were. how much they needed hugs....and love at home. how bad they felt when some of them were slapped once in their lives. they just need to remember how they used to think. thats not so hard.
i am not so sure if those people are really worth you worrying about them.

ela (wife of survivor and mother of abused daughter by that very same survivor)
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#418731 - 12/10/12 01:33 PM Re: I've never heard it. [Re: Still]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1552
I know how you feel. I have heard it from people but not my own family. I have been shunned and it hurts. I now realize as what has been said here, this is why we do not tell. But once you tell it helps to set you free but the reactions can re-victimize you. I am so sorry for you.

I posted elsewhere that I posted on facebook at One Heart a Penn State site for CSA, I thought my posting was a private message but it turned out not to be. It was posted on my wall and to my amazement I heard from many, their support was overwhelming. They said it was not my fault-it was wonderful to hear these words from people who had at some point been a part of my life. It is wonderful and it would be more wonderful if I heard it from my family. I do not expect it because whatever their fears are, they are not willing to face them.

Esposa--your support and seeing those words as a wife, helps not only Still but all survivors who crave to hear those words from their families. Thank you.

Still, it was not your fault, you were a child and your mind was played with, they not only sexually abused you, they emotionally and psychologically abused you. Stay strong and remember we all know it was not your fault.


Edited by KMCINVA (12/10/12 02:40 PM)

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#418766 - 12/10/12 10:20 PM Re: I've never heard it. [Re: Still]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 176
Loc: Puget Sound
Still all I can tell you is how I am trying to deal with it, I had to find a way to accept what happened, and accept that I can never change the past, see for me it wasnít that hard, I in no way want my current life to change, I wouldnít give up my wife, no way, and then thereís the kids, them neither, I could give up the material things no prob, just not them, and I know deep down that without my early life I wouldnít have been who I was and would never have met my wife ect. The thought of growing up normal to me is an impossible dream for me, you canít change history, but you can change, you can figure out you, you can figure this out itíll be something that helps you understand that not this only was ďnot your faultĒ but something to get through this. Still your married, you have children, youíre like me in that sense you have so much, please be thankful for what you have, things can and do get better.

Cee
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#418902 - 12/12/12 09:13 AM Re: I've never heard it. [Re: Still]
cosmos Offline


Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 176
Loc: Puget Sound
No Still, itís what I wish for, my ability to accept intellectually is there, but in my heart, I would trade everything to not know what I know, to be normal, to just to be able to enjoy the little things, ďitís not your faultĒ and Iíd give anything just like you would not to be here opening your soul for all to see reliving every painful and shameful memory, and trying so hard to keep going. This shit just sucks cause for me the angers gone but every moment is pain. I wake up itís there, I toss and turn all night itís there, I wake up itís there, it doesnít go away itís a part of you, so unless you go away, itíll always be there, a constant companion, till death do us part. I mentioned my previous statements to the wife, I should have known I was being delusional, itís so easy to lie to yourself when your been doing it for so long, hell itís almost easier to lie to yourself then to others right.

Cee
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