i am shaking so bad right now.

i just saw the child abuse investigation team on campus a few minutes ago.

and just now, as i was supervising a study hall, the school counselor came to ask if one of the freshman boys could be excused.

this is a student that i didn't already know was at risk.

i am crying and screaming on the inside - but have to maintain a calm and unaffected exterior.

very triggered!

lee

Wow Lee

That is tough! I feel for you!!!

I hope they at least deal with it better than their past track record indicates.

Hang in there.

You are not alone.

Lee

thanks for the support.
yes - i hope they handle it well.
still have fluttery guts, even 2 1/2 hours later...

Hang in there, lee!

You know you can make it through this difficult period Lee. Triggers have come upon you before and you have survived the experience. Take the empathy and compassion you would have wanted at that age, calm and reassure yourself, then see the opportunity to help those around you.

You are a survivor and so much more, a recovering victor!

My best to you.

yes - i'll be OK - but i feel so bad for the kids.
i can only imagine being re-victimized by a poorly done investigation.
and i am not able to offer any support since i am not even supposed to know what is going on.

Oh Lee... I don't know what to say. I'm sorry you were triggered, but I'm even more sorry for that poor boy! I can only add my voice to those who hope the investigation will be handled better this time...

Hand on, Lee. I'll be thinking of you...

Is it completely out of line for you to casually ask the boy they pulled out if everything's okay?

Be strong. Even a hamhanded investigation is better than nothing - he'll get some of the help he needs at least.

The situation must be absolutely hear wrenching for you. I feel for you traveler. I hope that everything turns out ok.

Seikei

thank you all.

i just feel sick this morning. and feel like i'm 13 again. i was OK until i got to campus. the investigator is still here. i cringe every time i see him - as if i had something to hide. it is really obvious that my triggers still work - even though i've learned to handle them better.

the boy who was pulled out for questioning - i don't know if he was suspected of being a victim or a perp - that is confusing and disturbing to me. i think one thing it reveals is that even the thought of both roles make me feel guilty, dirty and ashamed. it is so weird to grapple with that concept - i KNOW the whole "You are not to blame. It wasn't your fault." mantra. and i have urged it on others many times. but it is still hard to get free of that residual tainted feeling.

so, anyway - as soon as i put 2 and 2 together yesterday i went to see my wife. i really needed a hug - just to feel safe arms around me and someone to tell me that i am all right. that helped for a while. good move, eh, Sam?!

after school, though - she had a long meeting and i was alone and i lost it. i reverted to looking at p0rn. i was even conscious of what i was doing - self-calming - and did it anyway. it did help me feel more in control and less anxious for some crazy reason - for a while. but i don't feel good about it now. ironically, if anyone here knew - they would think i was a danger to the kids - which couldn't be farther from the truth.

i guess i've still got some work to do.

it would be difficult for me to speak to this boy about it. the only real contact i have with him is supervising study hall. he is not in any of my classes or other activities that i help with. there is no reason that he would trust me any more than the counsellors. at least the regular one at our school is good. i don't know... at his age, i'd have just denied everything and shut down. the last thing i'd have done is to talk about it with any adult. i hope he can get help - at least he's on the radar.

anyway - that is the latest. don't know if i will ever know more. in a way - i hope i don't - because if i hear more, it will most likely be because there is something more serious to be aware of.

lee