the reason i know what i know is because of studying the Franklin Scandal and watching the documentary Conspiracy of Silence.
then i waded through hours and hours of videotaped victim testimony. http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...2874#Post432874
this triggered all my hidden memories of my experience with clifford olson, and i recalled how he used me to bring new boys to the jobsite, with the promise of work, which i did, to my eternal shame and guilt.
this was the hardest thing for me to accept and forgive about myself.
i am not excusing what i did.
these were my reasons:
i did it to divert his attentions away from me, but i felt sick about it.
then i felt rejected and jealous when he ignored me and began his seduction routine with them.
then i felt like killing myself for putting these other boys my age at risk.
but i was too chickenshit to warn them.
i had to protect my reputation as a psycho tough guy.
i did not want the other guys to find out i was "gay" or "fag".
that was a dangerous label in Surrey in 1977.
anyone suspected of homosexuality was beaten and bullied mercilessly by gangs of "fagbashers".
i had seen it numerous times.
guys humiliated, forced to eat dogshit, lick boots, just for being effeminate or timid.
i was afraid clifford would kill me or hurt me if i told anyone what happened, or if i failed to comply.
i was worried that i was no longer useful to him.
now that he had already raped me twice, he did not seem to be interested in me anymore.
he was starting to talk very rude and mean to me.
insulting and degrading me, calling me dirty names,
but he kept me by his side most of the time, and never let me out of his control.
if i was recruiting, then i still had value, i reasoned.
i still can't understand why i just didn't run away.
once, after the first rape, i did not show up for work,
i was just sitting there at home, in a zombie robot trance.
unable to act one way or the other.
he called my house, just like any regular employer would,
talked to my mother on the telephone, gave me shit for being late,
and arrived at my house within the hour to pick me up.
when he asked "why didn't you come in today" i wanted to yell,
"because you raped me" but it was like it never happened and i was unable to speak the words,
so i said "i'm sorry, i slept in".
even when we were alone, i could not admit that he had raped me.
he shook my mother's hand and promised her that he was looking after me.
he would make sure i didn't mess up this job,
and that he would "straighten me out". "don't worry".
she was so charmed, and told me what a nice wonderful man he was.
i was lucky to have such an opportunity, such a lenient boss, and i should be more responsible.
it was so normal, i almost laughed out loud.
instead i apologized and he took me straight to a big house in a nice neighbourhood.
he took me downstairs to a sauna, and he raped me a second time.
the man who lived there stayed upstairs.
he seemed not to notice when cliff and i were walking around with nothing but towels on.
clifford insisted i wear a towel, he said my nudity was improper,
that i should "cover up".
although by this time, i did not understand his need for modesty,
considering what he had just done to me.
after this, the subtle threats and insults started.
i could feel his loathing toward me, like it was my fault.
he called me a "slut" for wanting to have sex with him.
then he said i liked it too much.
i remember this made me feel bad, like i had failed or disappointed him.
for the next few days, after meeting him,
my mother gushed about what a sharp dresser he was.
it made me sick that she (a single woman) was obviously attracted to the man who raped her son.
i did not tell her what he really was. i did not want to upset her, or get in trouble.
i did not trust her anyway, because she had already let me down.
when i was 12 i told her that the tenant in our basement suite had been molesting me.
she did nothing, and let him continue to live there, after he denied touching me.
but that is another story.
this is all very disturbing to convey, but it is brutal truth.
any ruthless person can brainwash a kid.
it doesn't take a genius, just a degenerate.
it is a cold science.