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#399706 - 06/07/12 10:04 PM Introduction
jdsrip Offline

Registered: 06/07/12
Posts: 9
I have joined MS to inquire about abuse I may have received when I was a teen. For years, I thought it was no big deal (possible denial) and now I am thinking otherwise. I was either 16 or 17 when I met a older guy who went onto become a family friend and my first employer. I would say he was in his late 40s or early 50s at the time. He was employed in a music store and took an interest in me and my liking of music. I lived with my dad and had my own car at the time so I could visit/work for the guy. One night I woke up after a late night working for him (so I stayed at his house). He was rubbing himself against me and I pushed him away. I also realized that he had in a time prior tried to look at me using his bathroom. He had put a two way mirror in the bathroom so he could see into the bathroom from his closet. As I continued to work for him over the next few years he would make me really good meals, and pay me for my work. He eventually showed me pornography and gave me massages. This carried on but I would never reciprocate so he appeared to become frustrated about it. What further complicates this matter is that I had always been attracted to women but since being very young was slightly interested/curious in men too. Note: homosexuality is in the family. When I learned about bisexuality at an early age shortly after my dad made a fit of me trying to try on my mom's shoes, it was neat to know that something like it existed. So where am I going with this .... I was married for 8 years but have continued to become interested in men (but not had a relationship with one per se). Yet I am sometimes extremely attracted to some women (usually sporty types). I have questions: 1) Was I sexually abused? 2) Should I assume the abuse has had something to do with this current sexual identity crisis, or just begin to explore relations with men?
3) Could addiction to online pornography further complicate what I am experiencing? 4) Where should I look for support? A therapist? A group? I have no clue where to begin but I am at a breaking point and new to resolve this. Jay

#399745 - 06/08/12 03:02 AM Re: Introduction [Re: jdsrip]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1736
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa

Welcome to the site, sorry that you feel you need to be here, but you are in the right place.

Wow, lets start with the first thing. Were you abused? Well what is the definition of abuse It is when "a person who is more sexually mature, has inappropriate relations with a person less sexually mature"
There is no age classification there. I myself was abused to the age of 19. So in my opinion, yes you were the victim of SA.
As for the sexual identity issue, this is shaky ground as everyone seems to have a theory.
There are some experts that believe the sexual identity of a boy is set by the age of 4, so if he is homosexual, then that is pretty much done by that age. After this it becomes what they call imprinting. In other words the child acts out behaviour he has seen or experienced. This does not bring into the picture the cultural, religious and sociological opinions and theories.
Personally I don't think that there has been enough study done on the impact of sexual abuse on sexuality in men.

So what is the answer, and to get to this I need to ask you a question. What makes you happy? You need to try things and see what it is that you want. I know that I was curious, and when I actually tried to have a relationship with a guy it was horrible.

It is not always what you think it will be. Fantasies should sometimes be just that, a fantasy. Once you act on that fantasy you discover that the reality is a lot different to what you thought it would be.

Porn is often a by-product of abuse, we use this as a tool to avoid FEELING and EMOTIONS. Porn like drugs and alcohol is an addiction that has the same effect on our minds. So your use of porn is a tool to zone out of the world and not feel.

To get help, on the main page of MS is a shopping guide to therapists and also a resources page where you can perhaps find a support group in your area. Check it out, but don't leave it.

I hope this helps you, and feel free to PM me at any-time.

Yours in healing
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#399769 - 06/08/12 08:37 AM Re: Introduction [Re: jdsrip]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3694
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Jay, welcome to Male survivor!
Please take it easy and learn what resources are available for us here. There are a lot of questions regarding orientation and same sex attraction in part of the board "Ask the Sex Doc":
Regarding pornography addiction I can relate because I've been hooked to it, usually I've start with straight and finished with gay porn and that brings me a lot of bad feelings. In my case that certainly complicate my situation. I use it to escape from reality, like sort of numbing. In any case too much and compulsive watching of porn can't bring nothing good. Question is what are feelings in background that drive us to escape into world of fantasy. I'm more prone to get there if I'm under some stress or in some hopeless situation.
Please take care of yourself and look how to connect to this community. I've been benefiting a lot from sharing experience and giving support to others.
Be well!
My story

#399776 - 06/08/12 10:20 AM Re: Introduction [Re: jdsrip]
jdsrip Offline

Registered: 06/07/12
Posts: 9
Thanks for the responses guys. I have been interpreting the experience with the guy for years now (and I still contact) as no biggie. And since it was later, I thought I was being conservative in my interpretation of what has happened. But, he was more mature and what happened was indeed inappropriate. I have sent out a couple of emails for therapy to explore its impact on me even it pertains to my sexuality curiosities or not. I think I will also seek out a 12 step SLAA group. Have any of you attended these? And, given my situation do you think I should look for one in a heterosexual or homosexual environment? I am grateful to be here. I am feeling better already. Strange how this stuff works even online. wink Jay

#399839 - 06/08/12 08:59 PM Re: Introduction [Re: jdsrip]
Geeders Offline

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Hi jdsrip:

Here are a few questions you can ask yourself to help answer some questions:

(1) Were you old enough to legally consent to the sexual contact? In some jurisdictions you might be, or you might not be. It depends on the where, and when.

(2) Did you consent to the sexual contact? It sounds to me like you did not. And if you didn't, that would be considered sexual assault in most jurisdictions. (Wake up sex with a consenting partner does not count! grin)

(3) Would you have considered the other person to be a potential sexual partner? Again, sounds like a no to me.

Installing a two way mirror, and using it without the other persons consent is predatory behaviour. Wal-mart and others make you aware that you are under surveillance. This was not Wal-mart.

Showing you porn, at an age when you would not normally be able to acquire it yourself is considered to be grooming behaviour. He gets you all reved up by exposing you to the porn, and then uses your normal reactions and responses against you by saying your body said, implied, or showed consent. That's bullshit used by perps to make you think you wanted it and asked for it.

Your age difference, and your employment status on their own tell me you were being set in a trap. Ask yourself, do most 40 or 50 something year olds seek sexual partners with underage boys? No. Even if they are gay. And being gay does not run in families as far as I am concerned. Its just part of life, like being left handed is. And your employment status, given that you were the employee says there was a power imbalance. Maybe you were afraid you'd lose your job if you resisted too much?

As for your questioning about your sexuality, you don't say how old you are now, but I can assure you that middle aged men who have been sexually abused and assaulted as teens deal with the same question years after the fact. Its a package deal I'm afraid. The important thing now is for you to discover who you are, and who you want to be with sexually. Forget about the labels of gay and straight. Labels are for cans, as a good friend of mine says. Be yourself, however you choose to be yourself, with another equally consenting adult. Respect for self, and the other, are all that matters. Just play safely! wink

My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

#418405 - 12/07/12 12:20 AM Re: Introduction [Re: jdsrip]
jdsrip Offline

Registered: 06/07/12
Posts: 9
Thanks Jim. I contacted YWCA and I discovered there is free counseling. I go in tomorrow. I am also going to look into how and if I can report this guy who is still in the area. Strangely he ended up with another guy younger than me who now identifies as gay. I am moving forward.

#418591 - 12/09/12 01:33 PM Re: Introduction [Re: jdsrip]
finallyopen Offline

Registered: 11/16/12
Posts: 69
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Welcome Jay ..
Hope you find some comfort here and please recover and move forward if you are able.
Male sexuality can be extremly confusing at times especially when it can be so distinct and programmed into us from birth. Many of us have questions when we get a bit older and reflect on the past.
You will find friends here, to help you along the way.
My Story :

#418848 - 12/11/12 08:03 PM Re: Introduction [Re: jdsrip]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota

Welcome to MaleSurvivor. There is a lot of information on this website (see my signature line), and a ton of sharing in these forums.

I cannot tell you if you were abused: you know more about what happened to you in your teens with this man. IMHO, the trick is how this affected your sexual development. I know I would have developed a lot differently if it weren't for the abuse and introduction to sex from older males, and that it has taken a lot of intentional, deliberate work to reclaim my own sexuality vs. what others pushed onto me.

You shared about your current "sexual identity crisis", and that you were married for 8 years. The only thing I can suggest is taking the time to journal, reflect, and be completely honest with yourself about your sexual beginnings, habits, behaviors, conduct, and relationships so you can sort it all out.

As far as addiction to online pornography, I can share that I sought out sex hook-ups off and on for two decades-including online sexual stimulation and connection-all of this was outside of any kind of intimate, affirming relationship.

I've been in SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) for a number of years and that has helped me live free from the compulsive pursuit of sex that undermined my self-esteem, relationships, and future. The 12 steps have given me a new way to live.

For me, this activity and endless pursuit deepened my confusion, isolation, shame, and never resolved anything for me. It further tangled my sexuality and only made it more difficult for me to honestly connect with my sexuality at a deeper level.

Part of being honest about where we have been and what we do is that it allows us to feel our feelings without judgement and more truly. I can only say be gentle and truthful without judging, and read as much as you can about the topics of abuse, addiction, relationships so you can move ahead with your life in a positive, sustainable way.

The confusion, porn, solo-sex and escapism never worked for me. Please feel free to pm me with any questions you have: and keep sharing where you are at.



Edited by Mountainous Buck (12/11/12 08:43 PM)
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner


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